14-yr-old Stress

[Sarahberrycakes]

I am going through so much in dealing with past traumas. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar and anxiety disorder. I'm seeing a therapist weekly, and I'm in the process of exposure therapy. It's a lot to deal with, and I'm struggling to make it through.

Then, I have a 14- year- old son that has problems of his own that I absolutely cannot handle right now! He has been acting out since he was 4. He has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Narcissism and there is talk right now of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. He puts so much strain on our daily lives. I hate to even say that. I worry about him so much. My husband and I have tried so many different tactics to get him to "see the light", and nothing seems to work. I took a parenting class called "Reaching the Heart of Your Teen". We applied everything that I learned there; again to no avail.

My child cares about no one but himself. He hurts his younger siblings both mentally and physically with no remorse. Nothing is ever his fault. If we can't get him to see that what he's doing is wrong, then how can we get him to change it? He steals. He lies. He manipulates. If you were face to face with him right now, you would be very pleased with the person you've just met. He would use big intelligent words while having adult conversations with you. He would invite you to see his incredible art. He would have you laughing and wondering why I'm writing this post. He's so smart. I'm scared that he's wasting his intelligence. He's been invited into elite programs at school, but he doesn't care to do the work. He doesn't care to listen to the teachers or follow their rules. I'm losing my child, and I'm not strong enough to save him.

My husband and I are discussing placing him in a long-term treatment facility to get his needs met while I finish getting mine met. I feel like a failure as a mother for not being able to correct my child. I just don't know what else to do. We have 5 other children, and we have to protect them. He effects all of our lives negatively, at the moment, and that needs to be mended. God, help me.

 

[Anna]

Have you taken him to a therapist or psychiatrist?

Do not feel guilty about getting him professional help. It is really important and especially good if treatment starts as soon as possible before it leads to behaviour that is damaging to him or to other people.

You have to do what is best for you and your family. Do not ever feel guilty. You are a caring mother and the fact you are seeking help for you son shows this.

 

[DMerish]

My husband and I are discussing placing him in a long-term treatment facility to get his needs met while I finish getting mine met. I feel like a failure as a mother for not being able to correct my child. I just don't know what else to do. We have 5 other children, and we have to protect them. He effects all of our lives negatively, at the moment, and that needs to be mended.

Dear, dear Sarahcakes,

You sure have a lot on your plate - I'm sorry there are challenges with your 14y/o -

I'm a mom with grown children, one that exhibited (for lack of better words) odd behavior beginning at a young age. She's the reason I'm seeking support here and, hopefully, providing some as well.

Sometimes it's not possible to for a parent to provide the guidance that a particular child needs. That simply means the parent's skills don't match the needs of the child, or that the child (for whatever reason) hasn't picked up the tools that have been offered in a particular environment - Tools that help him/her to live a happy life with others. When that happens, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the parent; it may not even mean there's something "wrong" with the child either.

If your son were blind and you learned about a school that could help him you'd send him in a heartbeat, if you could, wouldn't you?

Parents that are relatively normal want their children to live happy, productive lives, harmoniously, with others. That's where the hard part comes in: sometimes a parent has to say "no" because we know saying "okay" or letting things slide may result in a negative outcome for the child later on. Saying "no", or guiding our child(ren) to sources that may help him/her can be very uncomfortable for the parent at times.

But that's the nature of the job - "good" parents give up their time, finances, and negative emotions (anger and self-pity) and make decisions with the ultimate hope that their child will turn into a loving, happy adult that can manage their own life.

If you and your husband have done your best by other means, just keep doing your best by finding alternative means of help for your son.

There is no "failure" in doing your best when your best is done from a place of compassion and love for the long range benefit of your child. If you need relief from your son's issues/behavior now to enhance your healing and you can give your son the opportunity outside your home to pick up tools that he needs, well, I can't think of a better time than now to implement a plan.

Drew :hug:

 

[Sarahberrycakes]

We caught him stealing something in the middle of the night. So we decided to go through his room today. We found other things that he had stolen from us, his brothers and his school. I was getting more angry by the minute.

As I was going through his backpack, I found some letters that he was writing back and forth to some girls. He would tell them that he likes them, how beautiful and hot they are. I'm using much kinder words. Then he would play a poor pitiful woe is me story until they were "in his grasp". Then he was being rude and treating them with such disrespect that I was literally sick to my stomach. It was horrible.

We had a teenage niece living with us last year. We found some of her underwear stuffed under his mattress a few times. I'm so scared for my son, but more than that, I'm terrified for my 3 year old little girl. I HAVE to protect her! He always wants to hold her and always wants her to hug and kiss him. I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought it was just because I was molested as a little girl by my brother. Now, I'm not so sure. He doesn't show the ability to care about people, and he's sexually disrespectful to women. Yet, he wants to be really close to his little sister?

My decision is made. I can't have him living here until I know, for a fact, that he's healthy.

 

[DMerish]

He always wants to hold her and always wants her to hug and kiss him. I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought it was just because I was molested as a little girl by my brother.

You have a sense that your son's behavior with your three year old is inappropriate (or simply "a bit too much"). It doesn't matter whether that sense is coming from something that you're picking up in him not being 'quite right' (for lack of better words) or if your sense is related to something that happened in your past. It could be both or even something else: the important thing, I think, is that YOU have the sense his behavior is inappropriate. Period.

What I heard in reading your reply is that your son isn't giving attention to your little girl, he is encouraging her to give attention to him, and in my opinion that is "twisted". (she naturally loves her brother, and most little three year old girls are compliant; but teaching her to give show love to others when it isn't warranted (that is, beyond the point of giving grand-pa and grand-ma, or uncle a kiss and hug when they come over, or sit on someone's lap while a book is being read to them) could lessen her emotional and sexual boundaries later. Just my $0.02.

PTSD is tricky, isn't it? I mean, sometimes we have to stop and use our rational mind to help us determine if our sense about something, or what our emotions are feeling, are founded on solid information. And, sometimes, our rational mind will override what our instincts and intuition tells us . . . after reading your reply and telling more, I think the latter is what happened in you.

You're a good and caring individual/mom for taking care of yourself, for wanting to protect your children from harm, and for wanting to get your son help!

Drew ~

 

[Britt.f7]

You do whatever you feel you need to do in order to make sure all of your children are safe. It is not an easy decision. I can't even imagine. I have been through difficulties with my son, talked about medication, made the mistake in telling my sister only to have a huge falling out over it. When we finally made the decision, because he is my son, not hers, it still wasn't easy. I worried about it. Now, however, he is doing well. Is everything perfect? No, but it is better.

I wish you strength.