Does The Mind Stop Denying And Accepts?

[Thinkingman85]

The best way I can describe how my mind works is that there is a tidal wave of memories being blocked by a huge wall. I can't get rid of it because the wall will not break. So, the pressure continues to build. Sooner or later, this wave of memories has to come into my conscious mind. I think it is the only way I can process my past. Has any PTSD sufferer been able to break the wall or denial mechanism? Is therapy required or will the brain tire out from repressing memories until they overflow? I know that my brain is doing the best it can to keep my memories underneath the surface, but six years of burying something alive won't work. I just don't know how to break this wall in order to heal. These memories are trying to escape but they are imprisoned.

 

[nomedic1]

Find someone you trust on here and release.

 

[Hope4future]

I like to think in terms of chipping away at the wall so memories come through in small waves instead of destroying the wall and expecting a tidal wave. It feels more manageable. If it does start to feel like too much, I picture plugging the hole until I feel grounded again. The image is familiar and painful.

 

[Phenioxrising]

What you have to do is patch up your mind and learn to acept things the way they are and learn to live In the MOMENT

 

[vtap]

Is therapy required or will the brain tire out from repressing memories until they overflow?

I tried to pretend nothing had happened in the past and tried to stop myself from thinking about it. But I was an emotional wreck. I had EMDR which helped me to release the emotions locked up inside of me for many years. I noticed a significant improvement after this.

 

[Abstract]

This is a huge enormous problem for me and I don't have the answers. All I do know is that I certainly don't want to deal with it alone if that wall does come down. That is what I have always done but no more.

I think of it as steel doors that I don't have control over. I have been told our minds know when we are ready. I suspect learning new ways of coping and having the right therapy helps create an environment where that it is safer and therefore more likely to happen.

 

[WillyKat]

About a year ago, when I went back to therapy, I told my therapist that I'd like to just get it over with and recover all the memories. No more games, no more BS...out with it. Without really thinking about it...I'm not that keen on finding out everything right now. It's just not working, so I figure when I remember is when I remember.

A couple of points. When I was 21, a big chunk (not all) of my wall came tumbling down and for a time there, I was a complete wreck. I "recovered" somewhat, but still didn't get any therapy for another five years or so. So my recommendation is to find a good counsellor if you have not done so already

Second, I agree with other posters. Maybe you can chip away at the wall, or poke a hole in it. Accessing memories does not necessarily happen like getting access to the library. Sometimes the librarian goes and copies a few pages for you. Maybe it won't happen in one minute or even a day; it might take years.

It could be that your very desire about recovering the memories is what's preventing you from remembering. You're trying to access something the same way you access normal memories. But traumatic memories are not stored the same way as other memories and aren't accessed the same way either.

For me, I have to draw distinctions between what I remember and what must have happened that day. For example, I remember the part where I was in my neighbor's barn, but I don't remember how or why I got there. I know I must have been lured over there somehow and for sure lured into the loft, but that's a logical deduction, not a memory. Still by making the deduction, somehow I feel closer to the memory. (I hope that makes some sense.)

One thing I started recently (before my laptop and my backup drive crashed on the same weekend) was a timeline of both my life and the day this all started for me. I didn't get far before those files all got whacked, but I felt like I was a bit closer to remembering. What came out of that process was not so much memories as some questions I could ask myself.

Hope that all helps.

 

[Thinkingman85]

It's ironic that whenever I try to do something repressed thoughts attack. When I was working, a voice would be saying, "You saw your mom die in the hospital and you dad dead in your house. You can't be normal. You've been through more than the average person and you are irreparable." I'm 27 and I lost both of my parents. I know that Ice T lost both of his parents and he's successful. He didn't see them pass away though. I don't know how I can hide my past from people. I get sick and tired when people expect me to give them an answer like, "Yeah, my father works at blah blah. I'm going to see him on Christmas." I've been damaged and society expects me to be politically correct and blend in. How is this possible? If someone like a friend died and I went to the funeral I would probably be completely numb. There would be no feeling of emotion. After witnessing death so vividly life went from color to black. However, I'm expected to still see in color even though I've seen something deeper. So now it's like since I've seen so many bad things the memories are murdering me every day because I can't handle them.

My interest and experience of awe of life is now gone. I'm aware that life is meaningless and nothing extravagent or out of the ordinary will happen in it. I use to work hard to get to life that I wanted but that was when I was hit with the traumas. When I was doing my best was when life decided to take a sh*t on me. So, I'm reluctant to even invest in life again.

 

[vtap]

When I was doing my best was when life decided to take a sh*t on me.

I have felt like this before. And comparing myself to others' more normal life made it harder to accept. But that is all you can do. Accept and focus on the present.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Therapy does help.

It's exhausting holding everything in, and PTSD shows us that it's impossible to keep stuff repressed. It just comes up when you least expect it too.

In therapy I talk about little bits of trauma, and very slowly I'm working on acceptance. Little bits of memory do come back, but not a whole load all in one go. That seems better for me.

 

[JustBe]

I have spent most of my life repairing the wall desperately trying to keep everything on the other side so that I could function as I needed to. After the dam broke and the flood overcame me I crashed for a very long time.

Now I feel as though things are calming down and I'm working my way back to the sunlight, just accepting the memories and feelings as they come up, trying to live in the moment, find my peace and my joy where I can... accepting each day as it unfolds.