A Little Validation Please?

[Moofkins]

It's been almost 10 years since my trauma and I am finally in love a trust someone again. He too has ptsd. Albeit a completely different trauma. Why is it that when he has his breakdowns he needs me to be there with him and hold him and talk him through it but when I have a breakdown, he tells me to "stop putting myself in a dark place". I had another nightmare that I was watching myself be assaulted and I couldn't stop it. And he told me to stop thinking about it. Like I can just stop. I can feel this pain coursing through my body and I hate looking at myself in the mirror but he doesn't see it. How can I relay that I need him to talk me through it just like I do for him? And trust me. I tried just telling him...

 

[Abstract]

Why is it

I hate to say this but it sounds like he has very little capacity for empathy. Does he show that in other areas of your relationship? Is he compassionate in a true way when you need it other than this?

 

[Moofkins]

Generally yes, he is very perceptive and soothing for other areas. Maybe a little more matter of fact than most people but available and sensitive nonetheless.

 

[franciemarnie]

If you told him what you told us, and you were very articulate and clear, well...if it were me, over time I would not feel that trust and love you have for him now. I would become resentful possibly and even more stressed because I might unconsciously start burying how I felt, which would be very dangerous.

You can't trust him to help you like you help him, to be there for you when you need him to be. I need that in my significant other. It's amazing he has gone thru trauma and has so little empathy and compassion. Maybe he just wishes you could be fine so you would always be there for him but he doesn't have to be there for you. I don't know.

But you deserve better.

 

[Moofkins]

If you told him what you told us, and you were very articulate and clear, well...if it were me, over time I would not feel that trust and love you have for him now. I would become resentful possibly and even more stressed because I might unconsciously start burying how I felt, which would be very dangerous.

But you deserve better.

I worry about that... I don't want that to happen.

 

[franciemarnie]

When I was in my 20's and 30's, I'd be with guys who were short on empathy and understanding. They were fun to be with most of the time and we had a good rapport that way, but when I was in trouble - they were of no use, they dismissed my feelings and had no use for me. When they were in trouble, I was ever the caretaker I'd been since I was nine.

I did resent them over time, and I did stop loving them. It's human nature.

As time went on, I realized they just weren't capable or willing to make the same effort for me as I made for them. And I couldn't change them no matter that I felt I was right because you can't change anyone. They must be willing to change.

The guy I married was and is a dream. There are those kind of men out there.

 

[Moofkins]

Between you and me, I do deserve better. I feel like I'm reaching for emotional support all the time. Everything else is amazing! We have great conversation, same taste in everything except some music. But he just doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body! I was seeing a therapist and the lack of empathy didn't bother me so much. Now I can't afford to go see her and I feel like I'm crashing all the time. So I look to him a lot more. I don't think he knows how to deal with such a mess...

 

[EverOnly358]

Okay, here's what I have to say. I think it's the rare guy that can really understand and deal with a woman freaking out. I'm married, and my husband is pretty great in some ways... but if I'm having a flashback, or flipping out, or completely dissociated, he's no help at all. I've been really committed to my marriage... I took my vows very seriously. But it's been 16 years and I'm tired of never having my emotional needs met. I'm coming to realize how destructive it's been setting all my needs aside under the heading "my husband's not good at emotional things, he can't help it." In the end, needs are just that, NEEDS. If you need your guy to be there for you, then that's what you need and that's perfectly okay.

I wouldn't give up immediately, because I just don't believe in giving up on people. But if you discuss this with him, trying to be very calm and very clear, and he just can't help you, or won't even try... well. Then you know where you're at don't you? You've gotta take care of yourself. And since you suffer from PTSD, you have to take extra good care of yourself, because you deserve it and because you need it.

(And I hope this is all okay to say. I guess it's clear I have some strong feelings on this subject. I'm new here, you can take everything I say with a grain of salt. It could be he is trying... it is very hard to say or do the right thing when trying to help a person with PTSD. Just... that comment "stop putting yourself in a dark place," really got to me. You aren't doing this! You don't have control over it. You don't want these nightmares, these memories! And healing doesn't happen overnight.)

 

[franciemarnie]

I sure feel for you not being able to see T when this is going on.

My boyfriends were all funny and smart and entertaining and not bad to look at either. We had chemistry too. They just happened to all be unwilling or unable to take care of me in the same way I took care of them. In one way or another, they were emotionally unavailable.

Sort of like my parents were growing up. I took care of them. They didn't return the favor, and worse. So that kind of guy felt like "home" for me, it fit comfortably in a familiar uncomfortable way.

Even when I realized my pattern, I didn't choose to cut it off. Not until it was definitively obvious the relationship only worked one way. His way.

As long as his merits outweighed his deficits, I stayed. Then one day, I'd know it was time to go.

I don't think the fault here lies in how you are explaining it all to him. I think it lies with him. He may be incapable of giving you what you need.

But I'm not there. Only you know, or will know as time goes by.

I'm sorry there is a problem there when so much else is right! Sigh.

 

[EverOnly358]

[quote="I did resent them over time, and I did stop loving them. It's human nature."[/quote]

This really said something to me. I mean, I feel like I'm the failure in my marriage, because I'm wishing for or demanding or I don't even know... I mostly feel like I don't deserve to have my needs met, like my needs don't matter, everyone else in my family comes first. So if anything... I was almost preaching to myself up there, in my comments. (Or maybe giving a warning of what happens when you ignore your needs.) But, do you really think it's just human nature? Because I am so done with my marriage. So done. But I still feel enormous guilt about it. Anyways... I fear I'm not making sense. I'm glad you commented, I guess I wanted to say. Relationships are tricky tricky things.

 

[franciemarnie]

D123 - I am so with you. I hear what you are saying and back you 110% on being so done.

I said it's human nature - healthy human nature I might add - to say it is not okay to give and give and give and get nothing back. Maybe they'll throw you a bone every once in a while but you are worth so much more. You are worth someone like you!!!!

The way I grew up, I came to believe it was my responsibility to take care of others and receive little or nothing in return, which implied I was inherently of little value. How natural then I would live a life of giving and giving, knowing not to expect reciprocity. What was I worth? Nothing. That's wrong. That's so infinitely wrong.

The original pattern was sick.

As time went by and I became less numb and oblivious, I felt the imbalance. I tried to bury it, my feelings of hurt and need and growing anger, the sense that I was of value too and deserving of loving care, I tried to justify other people's inappropriate behavior but finally I couldn't. It was killing me.

These men I was with - they just weren't built that way, they couldn't or wouldn't give back. And I know in retrospect I picked up unconscious cues when I met them and immediately felt like I'd known them forever that they were just like my family. I connected them with what I thought love was.

I tried to understand and make allowances but unless a person is devoid of all feeling and sense of self worth, they are going to feel mad and resentful if they stay in it. That's what I've known myself and seen with others.

You might feel like you are breaking a soul contract you made when you were too young to know better. That would give you guilt. Or these people might try and make you feel bad. They don't want you to change. They've got a good thing going.

What a healthy thing to do - feel angry when someone does something lousy to you and choose not put up with it!

That's what I think anyway.

 

[EverOnly358]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, FrancieMarnie! Because that is like totally what I do... I like, take care of sad, sad men who then end up abusing me in one way or another. And it feels like my duty in life, and I've always been okay with that, since I was like 2-1/2 years old, it seems. And I'm fed up with it! I'm angry! I'm done! I'm like flirting with, maybe thinking about, just maybe, sorta, kinda I'm worth more than that? (It's hard to change overnight, but I'm trying.)

Anyways... your words mean so so so so much to me! This whole forum is pretty wonderful. Now I'm gonna be good and go to sleep. Thank you again!