pastisgone
New Here
I am in a relationship of around 2 years. My partner was in the first stage of the Iraq War and has PTSD. About a little over a year ago he lost a sibling to cancer. This sibling meant the world to him, and we have had our problems more from my side not his. I've lied several times over to him because I did not want to upset him and didn't want to mess up the good image he had of me. Little did I know that a person with true or deep PTSD does not trust any one and I violated his trust because he trusted me wholeheartedly and let me into his world.
It took me a long time to see what I did to him and adjust my thinking to one of lying to protect him to say the truth and keep his trust. Now only about a month I have gotten deeper into my faith and respecting and knowing who I am.
I let our arguments and my deficiencies take the best of me. The put downs I accepted because I deserved them. There were very few times where I did not deserve them. But I thought I was doing something good for him and for myself by lying trying to portray and downplay my own baggage. Showing up when he didn't want any one around, and lying and manipulating situations which could have or may have led him to believe that I was not ready to be serious with him, only to pushed away. I let this play into my low self esteem which I already had.
Because of him I have gotten deeper into my faith, but now it seems like he has lost it only to find it. He has said he only feels happy when he is with his younger children they live in another state. His relationship with his oldest in early teens is tumultuous although they see each other daily its like we are the two that get the blunt anger when his PTSD arises. He states it over and over again that is where he feels happier because he feels he is needed there with his other children, like we are irrelevant or as if he doesn't think of us over here in his home state.
I'm very independent or try to portray myself as such but I need him also actually he is the only man I have ever needed. Even when we went our separate ways in our youth my heart yearned for him still did when he reached out to me I only stepped in as a friend not looking to get into a relationship because he is married. I stepped in because he reached out to me and I didn't want him to hurt himself or turn into a full blown alcoholic for the rest of his life.
He had so much going for him before he came back to his home state even though he was drinking so much. he says it was for me, but at that time his sibling was in final stages of his life. Sometimes when he mentions that he came home for me. I know that it was to be there for his sibling. With the loss of his sibling because of PTSD he didn't grieve him. He had to keep it together for his mom, other siblings, nieces, nephews, and oldest child. He says he stayed because of me and that he is tired of me not consulting my decisions with him. I'm really trying myself I was so used to doing things alone and making choices alone. I really want him to be happy.
I am being honest and involving him in decisions though it's almost 2 years into our formal relationship and a lot a lot a lot of arguments. I have finally woken up and grown up because of my faith. I know he is upset that I woke up this late because I think he has already started or probably has already detached himself the same way he detached himself from his wife, where he waited for the opportunity for an argument to walk out and now I fear he will do the same to me.
Right now he is on meds. Last month he seemed so much better and this month they increased the dosage, not good put him right back in the stupid hole! I hate this cycle of medications! He hasn't tried therapy while we have been together, he goes to the VA picks up his script and leaves. No talk therapy he hates it and he has been home from the war for over 8 years.
I know most of his distance comes from the things I have done that violated his trust in me. But I miss the the person he was when he reappeared in my life. (Back story I've known him since my very young years, and I already knew about his PTSD when we became a couple). It sucks that he rather have the companionship of his social media when at the beginning of our relationship he detested the way I was attached to my phone. He hated it so much I had to delete all my social media accounts from my phone and we made a bet how long I could go with out it.
I want to help him but I need help and support myself. I have helped him with a late night run to the Dr., making him what he likes, assisting every way possible, and any way he asks. (Fellow supporters never throw what you do for them in their face DON'T EVEN MENTION IT! Mentioned it to just point out how much I care and it was a never ending argument about everything). He talks to others all the time while here I am alone no friends. I have family but none understand. I can't talk to any one, no one understands me! He says that he sees that I'm tired of it. I am tired I'm not tired of him, I'm tired of feeling alone, disgruntled, depressed. So depressed at some points I've cut myself because I felt lost of everything that I said to him and hid from him to not hurt him.
Lost because he is my true love and first love. Hurt because if I would have made certain choices when I was younger and been there for him years ago he might not have gone through other things, but those choices gave me some of the blessings I have now. But hurt because when I thought I was protecting him I was hurting him. I just want to cry as I am typing this I am finally letting it all out crying for help and support because no one understands, and he will just never get it that I am hurting too... Please help me too.
It took me a long time to see what I did to him and adjust my thinking to one of lying to protect him to say the truth and keep his trust. Now only about a month I have gotten deeper into my faith and respecting and knowing who I am.
I let our arguments and my deficiencies take the best of me. The put downs I accepted because I deserved them. There were very few times where I did not deserve them. But I thought I was doing something good for him and for myself by lying trying to portray and downplay my own baggage. Showing up when he didn't want any one around, and lying and manipulating situations which could have or may have led him to believe that I was not ready to be serious with him, only to pushed away. I let this play into my low self esteem which I already had.
Because of him I have gotten deeper into my faith, but now it seems like he has lost it only to find it. He has said he only feels happy when he is with his younger children they live in another state. His relationship with his oldest in early teens is tumultuous although they see each other daily its like we are the two that get the blunt anger when his PTSD arises. He states it over and over again that is where he feels happier because he feels he is needed there with his other children, like we are irrelevant or as if he doesn't think of us over here in his home state.
I'm very independent or try to portray myself as such but I need him also actually he is the only man I have ever needed. Even when we went our separate ways in our youth my heart yearned for him still did when he reached out to me I only stepped in as a friend not looking to get into a relationship because he is married. I stepped in because he reached out to me and I didn't want him to hurt himself or turn into a full blown alcoholic for the rest of his life.
He had so much going for him before he came back to his home state even though he was drinking so much. he says it was for me, but at that time his sibling was in final stages of his life. Sometimes when he mentions that he came home for me. I know that it was to be there for his sibling. With the loss of his sibling because of PTSD he didn't grieve him. He had to keep it together for his mom, other siblings, nieces, nephews, and oldest child. He says he stayed because of me and that he is tired of me not consulting my decisions with him. I'm really trying myself I was so used to doing things alone and making choices alone. I really want him to be happy.
I am being honest and involving him in decisions though it's almost 2 years into our formal relationship and a lot a lot a lot of arguments. I have finally woken up and grown up because of my faith. I know he is upset that I woke up this late because I think he has already started or probably has already detached himself the same way he detached himself from his wife, where he waited for the opportunity for an argument to walk out and now I fear he will do the same to me.
Right now he is on meds. Last month he seemed so much better and this month they increased the dosage, not good put him right back in the stupid hole! I hate this cycle of medications! He hasn't tried therapy while we have been together, he goes to the VA picks up his script and leaves. No talk therapy he hates it and he has been home from the war for over 8 years.
I know most of his distance comes from the things I have done that violated his trust in me. But I miss the the person he was when he reappeared in my life. (Back story I've known him since my very young years, and I already knew about his PTSD when we became a couple). It sucks that he rather have the companionship of his social media when at the beginning of our relationship he detested the way I was attached to my phone. He hated it so much I had to delete all my social media accounts from my phone and we made a bet how long I could go with out it.
I want to help him but I need help and support myself. I have helped him with a late night run to the Dr., making him what he likes, assisting every way possible, and any way he asks. (Fellow supporters never throw what you do for them in their face DON'T EVEN MENTION IT! Mentioned it to just point out how much I care and it was a never ending argument about everything). He talks to others all the time while here I am alone no friends. I have family but none understand. I can't talk to any one, no one understands me! He says that he sees that I'm tired of it. I am tired I'm not tired of him, I'm tired of feeling alone, disgruntled, depressed. So depressed at some points I've cut myself because I felt lost of everything that I said to him and hid from him to not hurt him.
Lost because he is my true love and first love. Hurt because if I would have made certain choices when I was younger and been there for him years ago he might not have gone through other things, but those choices gave me some of the blessings I have now. But hurt because when I thought I was protecting him I was hurting him. I just want to cry as I am typing this I am finally letting it all out crying for help and support because no one understands, and he will just never get it that I am hurting too... Please help me too.
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