Is What I've Been Doing Healthy?

[Kashi]

Trying to relive every painful second of my memories over and over in order to get used to the pain.

I've been doing this for the last five years, and I'm just curious. I do this with my good memories too.

 

[Britt.f7]

I don't know if it is healthy. Are you trying to become immune to the memories? Is it working?

 

[Hashi]

I'm not clear what it is you're doing, or why.

If you've been doing something over and over for five years, aren't you already used to it by now? Maybe a bit too used to it, is what your post makes me wonder. Especially if you're only curious whether it's healthy.

Do you want to be healthy?

 

[franciemarnie]

When I took care of my mother in my early 20's, I wanted to numb myself to the pain so I would do things like watch The Deerhunter five times trying to immune myself by willing myself to feel nothing. It wasn't a great idea. Everything I numbed myself to came back later. The body remembers.

For me, voluntarily reliving trauma over and over is a recipe for suicide. What does it accomplish? But that's me. If it an organic planned somatic release type thing, that's different. It isn't masochistic. It's productive.

There is enough pain that comes in life. I don't see the point of voluntarily increasing your experience of pain.

Like @Britt.f7 asked - is it working for you? Has your sense of well being increased since you have chosen to relive painful experiences repeatedly?

 

[Kashi]

I don't know if it is healthy. Are you trying to become immune to the memories? Is it working?

Well, every time I 'succeed' in overcoming a flood memories, I have to overcome the next flood. So I don't think it's productive. I need an answer to just stop all the floods of memories from even coming.

I'm not clear what it is you're doing, or why.

If you've been doing something over and over for five years, aren't you already used to it by now? Maybe a bit too used to it, is what your post makes me wonder. Especially if you're only curious whether it's healthy.

I'm trying to force myself into flashbacks of painful memories until they are no longer painful, until I can accept the pain and have no more of it. And yes, I'm kinda used to doing this, but I still wanna get healthy. That's why I'm asking whether reliving my memories on purpose is a good thing.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I wanted to make sure I remembered.

I used to do exactly what you describe. I went through them often, and one main reason for going over memories that I'd already dealt with is because I had once forgotten them. I was terrified of losing my memories again. I learned a lot of lessons about myself, life, my family, the rapists, society, etc... in those memories. They changed me. AS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CHANGED, you see? I was required to behave like the rapes didn't happen because my family didn't believe me when I told them. Even now, I pretend like they didn't happen. Most people who know me don't know that I was ever raped. Why would I want them to know that? Still, I feel like by hiding it so well, I might believe my own propaganda... that my life is and has always been easy and uneventful.

Anyway, are you still having new memories?

When I was having new memories still, then they would flood into my mind just as soon as I'd accepted the last one. I was so afraid of what was going to come through next that I would linger on the old ones for some time, trying to catch my breath, trying to mourn them as much as possible. It was overwhelming. My therapist at the time would often call me and cancel our appointments, but I remember thinking about getting a new therapist and I thought "What for? I'm flying through all these memories so fast, I don't have the same issue week to week anyway. I'm going to have to deal with this on my own, and check in with the therapist for a reality check to make sure I'm getting outside feedback." So, that's what I did. I considered what things I wanted to discuss with her the hour before my appointment, and tried to keep things moving forward that way.

Making it end...

I believed that once I understood why it all happened... then the repetitive thinking would end. Not so. Which led me here. I asked myself, "Why am I still obsessing over these memories? I understand them. I forgave myself for my mistakes, and I learned from them. I placed blame where it belongs. I ended my relationship with my family. Why is this still happening, when it is clearly time to move on?"

I found out that I could skip to the end of familiar memories by remembering the resolution that I came to the first 100 times I went over that memory. For instance, I know that my dad is both sad and hurt that I don't speak to him anymore, and that leads me to 90% of my obsessing over the past. I start out feeling like I really, really want to rescue him. How can I save him from this? How can I end this and not destroy myself in the process? And, then my mind goes over memories.... floods me with them, until I see every time that man turned his back on me... as a child AND as an adult. How selfish he was, etc... and that jacks me up, right? I get angry, and I then don't have to try to relieve his pain. BUT, I can skip all that angst, all those memories, being derailed from my own life to try to take care of his... by repeating what I learned from all those memories. My dad chose this for us. He built this wall between us. I cannot take it down, alone. He is in denial, and he lies, so I can't even break through the denial and reach him. I am absolved. I am not an errant adult child.

So, if you've resolved those memories and you're not afraid you will forget them... then, you might try figuring out a few words to bring you quickly to the resolution. I feel relief from the memories without the exhaustion of reliving them, and I get the reinforced awareness of who I am, where I've been, and why I choose not to speak to him. All in a few short sentences.

I hope I didn't say too much, and I hope what I shared is useful to you.

 

[Kashi]

I wanted to make sure I remembered.

I used to do exactly what you describe. I went through them often, and one main reason for going over memories that I'd already dealt with is because I had once forgotten them. I was terrified of losing my memories again. I learned a lot of lessons about myself, life, my family, the rapists, society, etc... in those memories. They changed me. AS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CHANGED, you see? I was required to behave like the rapes didn't happen because my family didn't believe me when I told them. Even now, I pretend like they didn't happen. Most people who know me don't know that I was ever raped. Why would I want them to know that? Still, I feel like by hiding it so well, I might believe my own propaganda... that my life is and has always been easy and uneventful.

I can relate. At the end of my eighth grade year, I started to lose faith in who I was. I was afraid that if I forgot my memories, I would cease to be me. And so I always daydreamed about the past, to make sure I remembered it. Even the bad parts. But it wasn't until years later that the PTSD started kicking in. So here I am, just trying to retain myself while at the same time staving off my traumatic memories.

So, if you've resolved those memories and you're not afraid you will forget them... then, you might try figuring out a few words to bring you quickly to the resolution. I feel relief from the memories without the exhaustion of reliving them, and I get the reinforced awareness of who I am, where I've been, and why I choose not to speak to him. All in a few short sentences.

I hope I didn't say too much, and I hope what I shared is useful to you.

Anyway, I'll keep your words firmly in mind and try to implement them when my flashbacks take me instead of just sulking in them. Your post resonated with me in a lot of ways. I didn't think there was anyone else like me. Thank you.

 

[Seasounds]

Like you, I thought if I conscientiously relived each trauma, felt the feelings, did the healing visualizations, etc, that I would hasten my healing, and even prevent triggers from reoccurring. It didn't work; it created more tension.

Knowing that engaging in the world will trigger memories, is daunting. However, allowing memories to arise organically-through life's circumstances, and building your skills-as you go, to process them, is what makes things easier.

I've been helped immensely by adding somatic modalities (e.g. Craniosacral Therapy, massage, Therapeutic Touch, and acupuncture) to my life. They complement therapy well, and they help release tension, while providing a healthy physical experience/re-education.

I'm glad you brought up this topic. Be easy on yourself!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd say no as you're unknowingly reinforcing negative neural pathways.

From the time I was diagnosed I never agreed with the concept of rehashing memories in an attempt to numb them out. It's not about having NO feeling, it's about moving into the rational mind out of the emotional mind so that you can process.

 

[gone]

Double like @Muzikluvr and @Solara. So well said. Big help.

 

[DMerish]

^^Ditto to Amne's post^^

Trying to relive every painful second of my memories over and over in order to get used to the pain. I've been doing this for the last five years, and I'm just curious. I do this with my good memories too.

Describing as you did doesn't seem healthy/helpful to me. It sounds to me like an OCD thing, but frankly I don't know a lot about OCD.

One therapist I had seemed rather preoccupied with wanting me to do this. Overall, I found it unhelpful and boring. Since then, I've gone the route Change mentioned, allowing memories to arise organically. However, over the last six months or so more memories (both "good" and "bad") emerge in my consciousness more frequently than they have ever before. I don't know if my brain is under and a natural process of aging since I don't go out as much as I used to.

 

[Bluerose]

Sorry, but I don’t think that is particularly healthy, given the length of time you’ve been doing it. To my mind you may be creating new memories out of the old memories.
Doesn’t mean you are not dealing with stuff on a daily bases. I think you may be recreating your situation over and over. And that stuff sticks to the brain cells like glue.

Not many people can lay it down and walk away. But too many live it over and over again needlessly.

I used to feel quite bad, vulnerable, on my way home after a session. I pointed this out and it was explained that I had to learn how to ground myself after a session and not carry the conversation around with me all week.
It worked. Meditation helped.

I’m sorry, it may not be what you want to hear. But I don’t think you should be torturing yourself like that.