Friend Who I Helped Out When He Was Suicidal Says He Has 'no One Left To Hurt'. Wtf.

[Hashi]

The money wasn't a huge amount, nothing seriously damaging to our own finances, and my spouse and I also accepted the fact that it was possible he might not hold up his end of the bargain. No matter. We just wanted to offer a scrap of hope when he had none.

I think you might have to extend that approach to the rest of what you've given him (care, hospitality, support and so on). If he's very protective of himself and tends to isolate, then perhaps you're seeing a connection between you that he sees differently.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic, especially since you've been understandably hit hard by your friend's suicide. It's probably because I tend to be so alienated and protective of myself that I can imagine someone else feeling an emotional relationship with me that I don't express in return, for whatever reason.

I'm not seeing this as a friendship where give and take is to be expected pretty much equally. In that kind of friendship, what's given between two people is the same thing. That either stays at the level of socialising and companionship (I make the effort to spend time with you, and you make the effort to spend time with me) or it goes deeper (I support you, and you support me), but either way it's basically the same thing being reciprocated.

When things are much less equal, one person might feel they want to give to the other person because they're in a position to do that and they care. In that case, I think usual expectations of give and take no longer apply.

I imagine you don't feel that you made a bargain with him that you would support him as you have done and he would repay that with a particular degree of emotional attachment and trust. Having said that, you seem to have been holding that hope. I think you might have to stop weighing how much you've given him against how little he has given you in return. It doesn't sound likely that you'll ever be "repaid" on those terms.

You've done what you did out of goodness, kindness and sympathy. If he doesn't respond with the amount of vulnerability and sharing that you might hope for, then you still have the fact that you gave him help and support - whatever the outcome. There's no guarantee over how he'll respond. What he makes of it is up to him. Whether you choose to give any more is up to you. As with any gift.

 

[digger]

How did you go from angry chair-throwing drunk to, well, NOT an angry chair-throwing drunk? And he answered back "Well, partly because there's no one left to hurt."

I keep re-reading this and I don't understand. Other people seem to be getting the gist of what you are saying so I'm assuming it's my interpretation here rather than yours that's skewed, but you said he was in a good place now and much improved...

Tom's life had stabilized, his business was picking up, financial crisis averted, seemed to be beginning the process of healing from the bad relationship.

So, why is what he said a bad thing? I'm reading it as when he was an 'angry chair-throwing drunk' and he was suicidal, he had people to hurt, or who would be hurt by his actions. But now he has turned a corner in his life, he doesn't, or doesn't want to....Okay, even trying to write this out the statement makes no sense to me!

Are you saying you think he is suicidal again now and you are worried he might act on it because he doesn't consider anyone (including yourself) will be hurt by it?

Sorry if I'm being really dim, but I can't work out what you've interpreted him as saying?

 

[LC23]

@digger1, re: "Are you saying you think he is suicidal again now and you are worried he might act on it because he doesn't consider anyone (including yourself) will be hurt by it?"

Sort of. I don't think he's suicidal now, for what it's worth, but then again I haven't had enough contact with him to really say. For most people I know in recovery from trauma or addiction (or both), having a network of people you're attached to - people that can give you emotional support, people who can watch out for when you're drifting or at risk, and people who make you invested in more than just yourself - is a big aid to long-term recovery, and during times of great stress can be the difference between a good outcome (or at least an acceptable one) and a bad outcome.

At the time, it set off a tiny alarm bell of, how long is it before he burns this bridge too (the bridge of friendship with my spouse and I), and if that happens, how long is it before he goes off the rails again? To some extent you just have to let people work out their own stuff. It mildly troubled me when he said it then, it troubled me more when he isolated from us, and then my other friend killed himself and I am probably thinking about it all a little too much.

 

[digger]

Okay. I still don't understand it in terms of a response to what you actually asked him, but I guess I'm just missing something :confused:

I hope you're able to come to some peace with your relationship with him whatever course that takes now. And I'm really very sorry about your other friend.

For what it's worth though, if you do get the opportunity to ask him what he actually meant by what he said, I think you should because there seems to me to be more than one way it could be interpreted and only he really knows what he meant.

 

[LC23]

Yep, and if he ever surfaces again I will want to clarify, if I get to a point where I feel I can open up that line of conversation again. Thanks.

 

[ms spock]

@digger1
At the time, it set off a tiny alarm bell of, how long is it before he burns this bridge too (the bridge of friendship with my spouse and I), and if that happens, how long is it before he goes off the rails again? To some extent you just have to let people work out their own stuff. It mildly troubled me when he said it then, it troubled me more when he isolated from us, and then my other friend killed himself and I am probably thinking about it all a little too much.

It is really hard because maybe you have really connected with him and if he has attachment issues he might sever the relationship precisely because it DOES mean so much to him and he can't sit with the unbearable knowledge that comes with that vulnerability and that fear of loss.

 

[ms spock]

I have made this mistake LC23. I wish I hadn't, but I have. People meant so much to me so I cut off before I could lose them. I am so sorry for the pain you feel about this. But I would say you have made a real difference.