Problems In Therapy (again)

[macca]

I have debated very hard about posting this, and almost decided not to, but then I thought - well, I've got nothing to lose (I hope).

I had another difficult session today, first one back after Christmas/New Year. I was supposed to have an EMDR session, but yesterday left messages for her that if possible, I would prefer a regular session, as I have been very unstable the last couple of weeks. She had told me that I needed to be reasonably stable to do the EMDR, and I've had a lot of suicidal ideation and other stuff, and I didn't think I was up to it.

I couldn't leave a message sooner, as I don't have an email address, and I didn't want to bother her on her holidays (yesterday was her first day back). She didn't seem happy that I postponed the EMDR. She does EMDR as a double session, so I was worried about her filling the other spot, but was torn about contacting her while she was taking a break.

So I left it, and she made clear to me that I could've really inconvenienced her. She was charging a discounted fee late last year too, as I had said that I might have to postpone sessions, and she found out that I couldn't afford to go. She said that she would discount the fee so I could afford to continue going, which had me in tears that she would be kind to me like that. So today, I had told her that I could pay again, but she treated me like I was manipulating her when I said in the general course of events that my budget was tight (it was relevant to something else), and she charged the discounted fee again, which I didn't know about until I went to pay at reception and couldn't do anything about, as reception wouldn't let me pay more and my T had another client.

Anyway, I went in and pretty much complained today I guess. I complained about family, I complained about the Christmas shopping crowds, which really rattle me. She didn't understand that at all, and I explained that I felt invisible there. That relates to people invading my personal space, but she took it to mean that I want to be paid attention to, and it's nothing like that. I worry about old people, I saw some in the shops at Christmas and I thought people looked like they would just run them down with their trolleys.

Anyway, my T told me she thought I was Histrionic. I had heard of it, but had trouble reconciling it with what I know about myself, and I ended up dissociating, and came back to her saying "where have you gone?". I didn't even know. But I think it had to do with perceiving her to be thinking I'm over-dramatising things, and that is a trigger for me I think - my family would do this. They minimised even life-threatening things, and if I'm minimised it gets me.

I was really confused, and upset too. If I'm Histrionic, then I need to know, but I looked it up and just can't make it fit. I don't care about my appearance at all, never have. I can be lively, but only when I'm well, among people I feel safe with, otherwise I'd rather hide. I'd be happy to live as a hermit, I don't want attention, attention makes me feel unsafe. I've never had anyone think of me as superficial or shallow. The opposite actually. I have never manipulated others. I think she may have gotten it from my emotional ups and downs, and my difficulty with criticism. I also have had periods of time where my libido is too strong, but I have never been with anyone other than my husband of 24 years. I am not easily influenced.

I just don't know where she is coming from. If anything, I'd probably tend towards Borderline, but I can't make Histrionic fit. My T told me her mother was Histrionic, and she has told me in the past that her mother was abusive, to illustrate a point about something. Could that be why she thinks I am? Or is the sensitivity to criticism and the emotionality enough? My parents did ignore me, like I didn't exist much of the time, so it is possible that I'm doing something that I'm not conscious of in order to get attention. I'm just so confused. She didn't say personality disorder, she just said she thinks I'm histrionic. Maybe she meant at a lower level? Could I lack insight to this degree? I can't reconcile being self-absorbed - though I am being so now in posting this about myself - I have a history of ignoring myself, even basic needs.

I am now unsure whether I feel able to continue with her. I also don't know whether I trust her enough to do EMDR anymore. I think if I go in there and say that I couldn't make it fit, she'll just say I'm being too defensive (she said that today).

If I don't do EMDR, and work on this, I don't know how to go about it. I thought maybe if I do an analysis showing where it seems to fit, and where it doesn't seem to fit, she might see I've taken it on board.

I don't want to go with it blindly, as it doesn't feel like me, and it isn't helpful to get treated for something that you don't necessarily have. But I don't want to ignore something that maybe I've been blind to either.

I am so sorry for how long this is. Probably consistent with attention-seeking :(:banghead:

 

[macca]

I forgot - these are the criteria for Histrionic:

An individual diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder needs to show at least 5 of the following criteria:

• Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention.
  
• Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior.
  
• Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions.
  
• Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self.
  
• Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail.
  
• Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion.
  
• Is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances.
  
• Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

 

[digger]

I'd say find a new T...

 

[HelenB]

From what you have said today it sounds like she is putting things from her own mother onto you and that she does not sound like she is listening to or understanding where you are at very well and if this is how you feel then I would definitely agree that doing EMDR and therapy with her would not be good. You need to feel 100% supported and understood on all levels and I really would think very seriously if I was you about all the benefits and drawbacks and really evaluate how safe you do feel wih her and if you really think she can understand and could work with you or not.

Sorry it is so hard for you and well done for knowing your limits and that you were not in a place to do the EMDR even though it sounds as if it was hard practically for you to make sure this was carried out, as that is such an important thing and I really believe will help you as you do go on to do more work, whether it is with this therapist or a new one as it is so important that you really are ready and in a place to do it.

God bless
Helen

 

[roaminggnome]

Good for you for not doing EMDR when you weren't ready for it. I did an EMDR session when I wasn't stable and I had a bad reaction to it. I think that my therapist should have realized just how unstable I was and should not have done the session. So I'm happy for you saying no to EMDR. I'm trying a new therapist as I won't do EMDR again. As for your therapist's reaction to what you said- either talk to her about it or find a new therapist. Best of luck to you.

 

[Seasounds]

Your therapist is not showing signs of being a mature therapist, nor does she sound like a good match for you. It can be harmful to stay with someone like this. Due to the power differential, her comments cause you to doubt yourself. (This is not good, at this stage of therapy.)

• She is labeling you, with something that doesn't fit-histrionic.
• In fact, she may have randomly pulled that word out of her vocabulary, when she really meant to say, that you were over exaggerating. That is a big difference.
• Nevertheless, she is imprecise with psychological terms, and uses terms to demean you, when she is feeling insecure.
• She tells you about her childhood.
• She does not seem to be emotionally attuned to you.

The above are all signs that therapy will continue to be problematic because of her lack of kind, thoughtful, respectful behavior. You may be dealing with a therapist who does not manage her own psychological condition well, and hence, triggers yours, and/or causes you to be defensive.

The entanglement between the two of you may make it hard to break off: love-hate pattern, and 'I'm right and you're not". A mature therapist would not set this dysfunctional dynamic in motion. See if you can be the wiser, and find someone else.

Maybe a regular talk therapist, to provide you with a secure positive alliance/base and a confirmed ( If not established) diagnosis?

Make the decision that seems best for you. When I was in a similar situation, I needed to leave in my own time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Many go into the world of psychology to figure themselves out. I think your therapist has done this but lacks a true sense of objectivity. A dangerous combination as it seems she may be picking up on one symptom and applying a blanket term that doesn't fit----I'm sure that many of us have perhaps one symptom of many different psychological disorders, but it would be irresponsible for us to be labeled with those disorders based on one symptom, much as this therapist seems to have done.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

For myself I did an EMDR session within a week of being diagnosed. F$%& did it scare me. I threw myself back to having a child's psyche in an adults body. You WILL know when YOU are ready for full-on EMDR and will need to liaise with your T as to when the time is right for YOU as the patient. Please don't let any T rush you into aggressive therapy like EMDR.

You need to find a T that fully understands that every patient is different and we don't all fit neatly into some sort of box that can be analyzed and treated the same as each other. We are all different and will need differing levels of care and treatment to heal. Any good T will recognize the differences we as SUFFERS have to endure and will mould their treatment of us accordingly.

I have written down every negative aspect of my childhood and the proceeding years until my final crash and full breakdown nearly 25 years later. ( I am 42, male with 6 lovely kids ** not allowed to see them **) BUT, I have learnt that what happened to me all those years ago "I" can't change. They happened and they will always have happened no matter what "I" do to try and change them. My life after having everything (good Job - BIG house and loving family) all lost as I could not face my historic demons, brought crashing down to the point of complete isolation .

Basically I am trying to say listen to YOUR heart and take YOUR recovery at YOUR pace. Don't let anyone influence YOUR path to recovery.

WE are all here to listen and help whenever and by whatever means we can..

From one sufferer to another

#massivehugs xx

 

[scout86]

The non-pathological version of the word is "overly dramatic in behavior or speech."

One of the things I've found challenging in therapy is to distinguish between "He doesn't know what he's talking about" and "I don't like what he just said." There were some times, early on, when he'd say something that hit me wrong and I came close to quitting. I decided, each time, to wait a bit, maybe actually ask a direct question, to clarify, and it always turned out there was a "problem", but it was much more "me" than "him".

Now, there are some things in your story, if it had happened to me, that I don't like, don't understand and kind of wonder about, to be sure. And, I know, for myself, I pretty much NEVER think of the question I "should have asked" until I'm no longer in the office. In your case, if it was me, I'd probably want to ask, "What is it that makes you think I'm histrionic?" (Leaving aside for the moment that labeling people is often neither nice nor useful.) Then see what she says. You may end up deciding she's not someone you can work with, but, first, make sure you understand what she meant. Doesn't sound like she explained it in a way that made sense, and she should have. (She may not realize you didn't get where she was coming from either, I don't know.)

Anyway, I think you deserve more clarification and maybe you should ask for it. Same with the fee situation. I've been paying at a reduced rate too. It bothers me, in some respects. I now know it doesn't mean the same things to my T as it does to me, because we've talked about it. Talking about this stuff is WAY better, in the long run, that taking our best guess and running with it. Lots of times, the other person sees things totally differently. And, yes, a person CAN be that lacking in insight. At least I can and I sort of expect anyone can. It's not a big deal, it's part of the reason for "therapy".

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Basically your "T" should not be making you feel guilty that they are offering you discounted rates for certain sessions. They should be offering them as an incentive for "YOU to engage and heal. For myself My therapist was paid for in whole by my employer (I was lucky to be employed by my local Law Enforcement). He was not interested in how much he could make an hour from "ME". It is and always will be hard to find a therapist who does not think about the end of month return.

You should feel comfortable with your therapist and feel able to disclose whatever you need to whenever YOU need to disclose it.

Laurie

 

[macca]

Thanks for the replies! I am still thinking about what to do. Part of me wants to just give up. That was the first time I'd ever told anyone my stuff, and it seems like there's just too many things, both for myself and stuff my family faced, to be believable. I have been really emotional in the sessions, but I thought it was understandable, as there was so much emotion attached to those things, which I had never expressed before. I've also been depressed and experiencing a lot of suicidal ideation.

Part of me also wants to "prove" myself to her, but I really don't think I can be bothered. What would be the point? I have at least decided now that I don't feel safe enough with her to trust her to do the EMDR after all. I am tempted to just finish with her now, and when I feel able to, find a new T. I am thinking about Scout's suggestion of giving it time, then asking her, though that would be pretty hard to do.

Anyway - I very much appreciate the input, especially since that post was way too long - I have trouble reading ones that long myself, so thank you all for reading it!

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry that you feel that way when it was the first time you shared so much and it is understandable that there would be that much emotion. I really do believe that though facing it is so hard that it is possible and do believe it will ultimately bring freedom. The fact that you have finally been able to share it is very important in itself and the fact that this therapist has been able to bring enough safety for you to be able to do as much as that is good. Only you can know whether she is now the right person to continue to walk alongside you for your next part of the journey and it may well be that now it would be right for it to be someone else, but I do think the most important thing is to be able to remember the progress you have been able to make. I know for myself that so often I do find it so hard and just want I give up on it all and everything so much, but do still believe that true freedom is possible as we have the courage to really walk forwards and not pretend we do not have those fears, but have the courage to face them and know there is a way through and that we can find freedom.

I really hope you can find some peace within yourself and allow yourself to feel and experience everything you do need to, knowing that through the pain there is a light and that you can come through.

God bless
Helen