Help With Dr./ Patient Relationship

[Samantha_38]

I just don't know if the right fit is actually out there....

 

[Justmehere]

It's really courageous you keep hanging in and trying. A good trauma therapist could help you feel more ok to open up. Sometimes good therapists are very hard to find in rural areas. I have a friend who did counseling online with a trained and licensed professional. You can google "online counselor" and there are several sites that have that. It's not as good as in person, but she got a lot out of it. I have to travel an hour to see my T, and it took awhile and a few attempts to find her... But it was SO worth it. My whole life is changing and I have more support and people I trust (a little) in my life now. It is an awful process to find someone but it is worth it. It's my understanding that when it's not court ordered, the counseling itself is different. Not drastically different, but sometimes not having that added factor in there can really change the dynamic. Is there anything the doctor did that helped you feel more ok to open up with him?

 

[Samantha_38]

Thanks for the online idea...I actually feel that may really be worth it.

I don't know why I felt comfortable with him for sure, but I have some guesses. I don't know if others can relate to this, but I seem to be able to know when others have been abused, or gone through similar things as me. I don't know why, but I can just feel it. It also seems like those same people already know about me too, without saying anything. I got this feeling around him. I never asked, because I never would put anyone into that situation, but I'm fairly certain he was a victim at some point just like me. It just felt really safe. Not safe enough that I completely brought the subject up on my own. I wanted to do it on my own, but it more came out that I can't sleep and was having bad dreams and then his asking kind of lightly led me into tell him. He definitely didn't push it hard, but still enough that it helped me take that step. Again though, I'm pretty certain he already knew when he was asking. Maybe not exactly what happened, but that something had.

Once I opened up I found that it was kind of hard to stop. I couldn't ever just reveal a bunch at once, but small amounts pretty frequently. I was having a lot of physical health problems. They weren't directly related to the PTSD, but I realize you can't completely separate anything. He's the only doctor that didn't write me off as a psych case when he found out. He still treated me like other patients, so that was helpful too. I still want to see him because of this, and he's ok with that, just no more messages. Its kind of awkward right now, we just don't talk about it and appointments are very short and to the point. I'm sure they kind of have to be at this point, but I'm really hoping they will get a little bit less awkward and he'll at least feel comfortable with some conversation, like the normal amount any doctor would have just to keep an appointment interesting.

 

[Lucycat]

@Samantha_38 I am not surprised the emails to the doctor had to stop. It does not appear they were serving any purpose - ie not working to a resolution of problems.

It is important to start therapy, by whichever way you can and actually work through all the issues that you would previously have emailed.

As for a good therapist, they will also not agree to email exchanges. This crosses the boundary between the therapist's work hours and personal time.

Depends where you are. My Therapist has always allowed email and text contact. I have never abused that privilege. I use email for things that can wait until he is next in the office. I have used text when I need a more urgent response, but to be honest on most occasions he instigates a text message conversation rather than me. It is mostly arranging the next appointment now, but in the early days was asking how I am doing.

As I say, I have always been aware of the boundary and I have kept such contact to a minimum.

 

[Samantha_38]

Lucycat - thanks for the input. You make it sound so easy to just know. It isn't as easy for me. You're right that it did not solve the problem, but it did make me feel better about it, so it wasn't completely pointless.

The boundary that you are aware of, is not something that I am aware of. I have to literally teach myself social norms that most people just know, because of the trauma I went through. I am beginning to understand why this has happened, and what the problem with it is. However, unlike most people, these sorts of things are not just things that I get and understand. I didn't know, and still don't know much, regarding the differences in different types of relationships. Ie. Personal, work, acquaintance, doctor, partner, etc. To me they are all just relationships, and I suck at all of them. This has gotten better slowly. It used to be to an extreme where I literally didn't get any of it. I'm much better now, but still have things to learn, and these things are much harder to learn when you don't grow up being taught them. Try to explain exactly where that boundary is, what the "gray" area is, why there's a difference between different people, and why different people change there outlook over a period of time. It's as easy for me to understand, as it would be for you to concretely explain it to a bunch of kindergartners and get their understanding.

I have been searching all morning for a therapist in my area, and have searched before, and come up with no trauma based therapists. I've had other therapists and know that just any old therapist will not work for me. They try to help, but because of things like the lack of knowledge of relationship like I stated above, it never gets far. I can be frustrating, and as much as I know that, it doesn't always help me be any less frustrating because I really am not trying to be that way.

Does anyone know, besides the online solution, what my solution may be. I looked at online solutions as well, but I worry about who I'd actually be talking to. How do you know they are who they say they are? Plus, some are more than I can afford, which is not much.

 

[scout86]

I mean you can't just make an appointment and sit in silence forever.

Actually, you CAN do that, I've pretty much done it. Not "forever" but for the majority of the session. Several sessions, actually. And, it could happen again this week, I suppose. (Not so likely anymore, but always an option.)

I live in a rural area too. I have to admit, I think I got extremely lucky. I did an internet search on "PTSD therapy and my state". (It's a big state, I wasn't planning on going way far away, just needed a place to start.) I found that there were several people in my area who expressed an interest and experience in working with PTSD. There were 2 that were close. One was someone I'd met and.........I hate to say I "didn't like her", but my first reaction was that she was someone I'd have to really work at talking to in ANY situation. Didn't seem like a good choice. The other person had kind of a goofy web site and a... . let's say he had a very "interesting and diverse" resume. Seemed like someone who might be interesting. His web site mentioned he used dogs sometimes. I like dogs. How bad could a dog person be? One day (while researching the "best methods" of committing suicide) I sent him an email. He was most definitely NOT a good method of committing suicide, but I think he did turn out to be a pretty good therapist. I'm glad I contacted him. If he HADN'T made a good impression on me, it probably would have been awhile before I tried again. I like to think I WOULD have tried again, because the other option isn't really a great one.

The internet is a great tool and it doesn't cost you anything to try. Give it a shot, you might be surprised (pleasantly surprised, that is.) Sorry this isn't easier than it is!

 

[Samantha_38]

Thanks scout- I've been trying the internet all morning. Do you know of a website for "online" counselling that is good? Or just to search for them in a certain area? I have found trauma counselors in my state, if I want to drive 100 miles. Is it best to search for psychologists or counselors, and what is the difference? I'd say I'm in that, "it pably would have been awhile before I tried again" state. I think its only been 6 years. I have yet to meet any that I feel like I can tell anything to. Like I probably wouldn't even talk to them about the weather.

 

[Bedbug]

Around the time I was getting my diagnosis my family doctor encouraged me to send him emails as I was having a lot of trouble communicating in any other way. This only went on for a few weeks, but I can empathise with how you felt when your doctor asked you to stop. I also live in a very remote area and would struggle to meet with a therapist, face-to-face, if I decided that was what I wanted/needed to do. However, in the absence of a therapist (for whatever reason), all is not lost as there is still a lot you can do to help yourself. Take a look at these threads:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/healing-yourself-without-a-therapist-looking-for-guidance.39242/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/can-...elf-or-do-you-need-therapy.39590/#post-643182

What part of the world are you in (if you don't mind me asking)? There is a lot of help available over the telephone in the UK. I expect there will be some organisations offering this sort of help wherever you are.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you so much bedbug, I thought I was the only one. Yes, mine started as a way for me to communicate it to him better as well, and I think a way for him to be sure I wasn't completely falling apart.

I'm from the northern part of the US. VERY rural. There is not much for organizations. Places to help you get out of situations, but not much for long term treatment. There are general counselors, but my abuse is very "in depth". Lot of years, multiple abusers, and I've kept it in for a long time. I've had symptoms of PTSD for over 10 years, and just opened up to this doctor a little over a year ago. In a year you'd think he'd know a lot about me, but really he just knows what I was struggling with in the present, he knows the basics of my past, but very few details.

Thank you for the links, I will definitely look into them. This forum is already helping me so much. It so rural I don't really know anyone else that went through the things I did. To open up to most people I know means pushing them away completely, because what I went through people don't like to believe exists, especially in my small community.

 

[Lucycat]

You make it sound so easy to just know. It isn't as easy for me.

I never said it was easy! I have Complex PTSD from Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA)

The boundary that you are aware of, is not something that I am aware of. I have to literally teach myself social norms that most people just know, because of the trauma I went through. I am beginning to understand why this has happened, and what the problem with it is. However, unlike most people, these sorts of things are not just things that I get and understand

I have had to learn it all too. At first my T had to actively encourage me to engage. It is not something that I easily understood at all, and like others I have had sessions where very little was said. I have been in therapy for 4 years now, so I have made huge amounts of progress.

I live in a very remote and rural area. I was lucky to find a therapist with a special interest in trauma.

I am surprised that your Doctor has not been able to recommend somebody, especially as he has been in dialogue with you regularly for a year. I would expect him to have contacts and 'inside knowledge' as to who is available locally.

 

[Samantha_38]

Well you've done good work, because you make it sound easy anyways!

Sounds like me. I've never been told Complex PTSD, probably because I've never gone to anyone who would know. My dad, for lack of a better name for him, was abusive, all forms, physical, sexual, etc. since I can remember. I ran away right into the arms of my 2nd abuser at 12. He started forcing himself on me when I turned 13. He was sometimes physical too.

So far I've been trying to teach myself, mostly I screw up and then try not to screw up again. Usually I screw up again, and again, and again though, and then maybe FINALLY figure it out.

I haven't been very open to the idea of therapy, I still don't know if I am. He may know someone, but since I haven't been open to it he hasn't really recommended anyone. I could probably ask him, if I work up the courage to. Obviously not in a message, and that is my best form of communication. Verbal is rough for me. You would think after talking to him for so long things like that would somehow be easier, but it never seems to get any easier.

I have had to learn it all too. At first my T had to actively encourage me to engage. It is not something that I easily understood at all, .

It is so hard when people don't get why I don't do well understanding relationships. Its really nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to teach myself these things. It is so hard. Its amazing you've been doing it for 4 years. I get exhausted after 30 minutes of trying to figure out what it is I do wrong.

 

[Bedbug]

As you have already taken the plunge here, so to speak, I would suggest you start a "trauma diary" on here. Writing is obviously a natural means of communication for you and you will find that a lot of people here have been through similar situations. You probably feel quite alone and isolated just now, but you have just joined a large and very supportive community. Welcome!

really he just knows what I was struggling with in the present, he knows the basics of my past, but very few details.

What you are struggling with in the present is the most important thing. Many professionals question the value of going over past memories in detail. For some trauma survivors it can be helpful and bring huge benefits, but that is not always the case. The theory is that it is possible to recover from the trauma, from the effects it has on your life now, without going into the details of what happened. Of course, this is only one approach and you will find many others. The important thing is to find one that works for you. We are all so different.

I wish you well and look forward to seeing you on the forums.