My 1st Voluntary Therapy Appointment

[Samantha_38]

There is another whole thread regarding how I found this psychologist, and the struggles I have with therapy. I was SO afraid and nervous. We started out messaging on an anonymous message system. He continued to state that he would like me to keep thinking about coming in, and I DID it.

I was scared, I got nothing done this last week waiting for the appointment. I slept even less than normal the night before, and I walked up to and away from the door about 20 times before I got enough courage to open it and go in. Through messages he knew I was going to be nervous, so that helped. I didn't feel like a complete idiot when I could hardly sit down, or even say anything to begin with.

It went pretty well, and I'm going back. I like him, he's laid back enough for me. I can't handle the overly "shrink" guy stuff. We haven't really talked about much yet. A little about my dad, and just some general info. stuff. Like my life, my kids, my fiance', how I do in school, and at work.

I was really afraid to have a flashback while there. I know this may sound dumb to some people. Who better to have one in front of, right? Or, they are totally used to it...I still don't want to ever have one there. I mean, obviously I don't want them at all, but in front of someone I hardly know is definitely not something I'm comfortable with. I don't even like having them in front of my fiance'. I did have some images, maybe short flashback type stuff, but not like an intense completely absent from reality flashback. I don't know much about what is considered a flashback, vs. images, vs. other things.

I'm going back on Monday. I'm still really nervous, but a little less than last time. Eventually what we are talking about is going to get harder though, and I'm really scared for that.

 

[macca]

You did really well - great job overcoming your fear! I was terrified before my first one too, and had known deep down I'd needed it for years and years, but denial and fear kept me away. I wish I'd done it sooner. You've made a great first step. It is tough talking about that stuff, but it's worth it.

 

[Justmehere]

Great work Samantha!!! I think that you will find that as you go, and keep going back, it won't seem so scary… At least that is been my own experience.

I can totally relate to what you wrote about being scared to have a flashback in front of my therapist even though that's the best place for them. She even said those exact words. But therapist know that it takes time to feel okay with them.

I'm glad you found somebody that you like and are going to go back!

 

[desiderata310]

ok… First let me say, YAY! I get the whole being nervous about your first appointment. Yes, it gets easier and harder. Mine got a lot easier as I started feeling comfortable with my therapist. MY first appointment, I walked up, my therapist was late(no one was in the office) and I was WALKING AWAY when he walked up and called out my name. I thought I was slick and getting away.
As far as being triggered or having a flashback, yes. best place to have it is WITH the therapist. Mine helped me develop a "safe place" (that would visualize) during one of our initial visits. It's a little … silly sounding but damn if that shit doesn't work. Yours can help you with strategies like that too.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you everyone. He gave me a piece of paper with a bunch of grounding techniques on it to read through. He said we'd talk more about it later. I read through it, some of them I kind of already do without having any clue I was doing them. I don't think I've ever done them during a bad flashback. I don't really get how that works, like when I'm having a bad one I'm not there. My fiance' says he talks to me and everything, and if I say anything it makes no sense, and I don't respond to him at all. I don't remember any of it, except for the stuff I was living through in the flashback. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to use one of those techniques during that time when I don't even really realize where I am. I guess that's probably what he will be talking to me about.

I definitely think the ability to message him is helping a lot. I don't think I would've gotten in there any other way. More places should do that. Now that he knows me, he gave me his actual email since there's no reason to continue using the anonymous system. We've been emailing back and forth a little. He doesn't answer much on weekends, which I understand. I mean he does need a life. I write about this stuff so much better than what I can talk about it though, so I think he gets a lot more information out of these messages than what he would out of our meetings.

It also gives me a chance to process everything that happened during the appointment. I'm so nervous, I can barely think. I said, "I don't know," A LOT! I realized about 2 hours after though, that I really did know some of that stuff, I just couldn't think about any of it while I was there.

It took me quite awhile to come down off the appointment afterwards. I had to walk across campus to my "normal" hang-out spot in the building where all of my classes are, and I could hardly get there. I mean, it was really hard to decide what the heck I was supposed to do with all the emotions running through me. I eventually walked to my car, in probably the weirdest route ever, then drove off campus and then back on again as if I hadn't even been at school yet. Then I went to the area I typically hang out/do homework in. It was a really strange feeling. After calming down some, I realized it hadn't really been that bad and then emailed him to set up another appointment. I can't believe how up and down that day was still. I'm really nervous Monday is going to be the same, and I don't have as much time before my next class on Monday, so I need to come down a little quicker than I did this first time.

 

[desiderata310]

WHOA! I will say, that if your first time was like that, best to do the next at a time when you don't have to be somewhere for the rest of the day. That's how I have to do my appointments. I can NOT do anything after except go home. Try to see if you can get that rearranged.

 

[Justmehere]

Something that helps me is to do grounding activities before I get anxious. It's much easier to do then and I find that when I get anxious for dissociative, it isn't as nearly as bad.

 

[Samantha_38]

@desiderata310 - After writing that, I've been thinking about it too. I do have a couple hours before my class afterwards, but I'm questioning it as well. There's no way I'd ever be able to make an appointment when I have nothing going on after. It'd be nice, but my life is just too crazy for this. I'm a full-time student, with 19 credits, 40 hours of clinical a week, 2 jobs, and I drive 70 miles to school one-way every day. I also have 2 young kids. I'm seeing him on campus because I literally leave my town at 5am and don't get home until 6pm at earliest at least 5 days a week. I also sometimes have to go on weekends for clinical. The only time I have is between other things.This is actually something that amazed him that I can even do, I guess its just my life. I said "I don't know" a lot when he was asking me how I do that too.

I think I will message him and see what he thinks about it. I already told him that I could hardly function after our first appointment, so I'll just ask him if he thinks it will be better this time, or the same, and if he thinks we should move the appointment.

 

[Samantha_38]

@Justmehere - are you saying you just do them randomly, like all day? Or that you know you will get anxious, so you do them proactively?

Either way they both sound like they could work, I was just wondering what you were suggesting. I could definitely try to work some time in where I just do them, even if I'm not having any issues with anything. I'm not sure I'm to the point to being able to really know what situations will trigger me. I mean, clearly I knew my appointment was going to be difficult, so I could do it before that. I haven't really figured out what in my everyday life causes them though. They seem to come out of no where for no reason most of the time, so I wouldn't know when to do them.

 

[desiderata310]

@desiderata310 I'm a full-time student, with 19 credits, 40 hours of clinical a week, 2 jobs, and I drive 70 miles to school one-way every day. I also have 2 young kids. I'm seeing him on campus because I literally leave my town at 5am and don't get home until 6pm at earliest at least 5 days a week. I also sometimes have to go on weekends for clinical. The only time I have is between other things.This is actually something that amazed him that I can even do, I guess its just my life. I said "I don't know" a lot when he was asking me how I do that too.

Over achiever! Seriously, I understand. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! I think it's part of our make up. JEEZE imagine what we could accomplish if we weren't frigging triggered all the time!

 

[Justmehere]

I do both. Doing them prior to known triggers helps (therapy can be anxiety provoking for me too) and doing them throughout the day helps too. I literally have silent alarms/reminders on my phone that go off throughout the day to remind me to take a break sometimes a very short one, and do something to ground myself. I do this throughout the day because it can reduce any anxiety that I'm not saying that I'm feeling, the grounding skills work better and better over time as I practice them more - and it becomes easier and easier to catch the things that trigger me and realize what is triggering me as time goes on. It's like it becomes safer to be more present and notice what is scaring me. Dissociation away our brains are trying to cope with fear. The more our brain realizes and experiences times where we are more grounded even not triggered, the easier it is for our brain to get back there on a neurobiological level. The easier it is to remember grounding activities when I am dissociative too.

You will be able to figure out what the things are that figure you over time. Sometimes it takes a while, but you'll figure it out and be able to manage the dissociation and anxiety with less and less work over time. But it's a little bit like training for a race, it takes a while to build up those muscles.

I think it is a great idea to let the therapist know how things were for you after the session. I tend to schedule sessions for only when I can leave some open time after every session so that way if I need to I can spend a little bit more time regrouping. This is of course really hard to do with a busy schedules so for now while I'm still working through the trauma and therapy my schedule isn't as busy as it used to be and it's really hard. But I can tell you that it has really paid off dividends in my life and I've been able to get back to things more and more as I work through it all. You have a lot on your plate - that schedule alone would stress out most people...

You are doing a great job taking steps to get better!

 

[Samantha_38]

JEEZE imagine what we could accomplish if we weren't frigging triggered all the time!

Right?!? I'm actually afraid of what I would do with more free time, probably think more about my trauma which is not something I want, so I keep busy.

You will be able to figure out what the things are that figure you over time. Sometimes it takes a while, but you'll figure it out and be able to manage the dissociation and anxiety with less and less work over time. But it's a little bit like training for a race, it takes a while to build up those muscles.

I really hope so. Right now it seriously is like my brain has a mind of its own, and the rest of my body follows that brain, not the one I have any control over. I really have no idea what to even look for, or how to think back and try to figure out what caused it to happen. Most of the time I just want to forget it happened, which is probably the wrong thing. Hopefully this guy can help. I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I'm getting help. I mean WHOA, I never thought I'd be saying that.

I love your race analogy by the way, I'm a very athletic person and my major is in Athletic Training, so this fits just perfectly!