Abusive Parents

[Viosinger]

Both of my parents are the adult children of alcoholics...and with that, neither had a pretty childhood. As I listen to an NPR piece that touches on abuse, family, etc the abusive father of an NPR employee wholeheartedly denies any abuse of his children. He immediately went to how he paid for horse riding lessons, and went to the school to defend her if she got into a fight.

It hit home, because that's where my father goes. "I paid for violin lessons," "we fought for you at the school." Sure, they paid for violin lessons with a lot of guilt set in, and making me very aware how expensive everything is. I don't see how they every fought for me at school. My two siblings have pretty severe learning disabilities, and my parents were in IEP's and parent teacher conferences constantly for them, but they generally refused to step foot into my school for anything unless it directly affected my grade or gave them an opportunity to look like a great parent for my successes. My mother is convinced I'm an anxious, selfish, wimpy kid who she raised better than I behave, and maintains that any and all abuse I endured was from my father.

Anyone else have experience with complete family/parent denial? I guess it feels more complicated than some stories I hear at the moment. I wasn't generally physically abused. The advantage of emotional abuse is that it leaves no visible scars to prove anything. hm.

 

[kahlan]

My mother to this day denies knowing anything about her doing anything. She always turns it into she's the victim of my overimagination. Pretty sure i remember quite clearly having handfuls of hair ripped out and getting slammed into a sliding glass door...not my problem she was too doped up on her valiums to remember anything herself. Sorry if that came out a bit snarky, I just really understand the frustration of denial :/

 

[Viosinger]

I often feel pretty snarky about it. I love them as my parents, but man...

 

[Loner]

Yep. I haven't had any contact with my mother for years but did reply to an email she sent this week because I felt I owed her that much for simply bringing me into the world. We sent a few back and forth with her lamenting and seeming befuddled by our lack of a relationship, then me explaining why I had no desire to have anything to do with her, and her completely denying any wrong doing, saying people make mistakes bla bla bla. She does not admit to any of the sexually abusive stuff either.

I have resumed some contact with my father, and while he has not apologized, he has made some comments implying he feels remorseful for his actions. I can tell he does actually feel bad. I have mentioned specific instances of abuse to him and he cannot admit he did those things, he only says I guess that could be true but I really think I would remember doing something like that.


I honestly wonder if abusers can repress memories of their abusive actions the same way the victims of abuse can. I can see the level of cognitive dissonance (google that term if you don't know it) that comes from someone who likes to think of themselves as 'decent' doing horrible things as so shocking to them that the mind represses those memories.

I think even if it isnt repressed, they have such a hard time admitting to it because they feel guilty. Its so strange. I really do feel bad for my father. I wouldn't want to switch places with him, thats for sure. Well I think my dad feels guilty. I don't think my mother does. I think she just doesnt want to admit shes ever done anything wrong.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hello Viosinger :>

Yep -

My father was a rageaholic alcoholic and never admitted to his drinking until he was on his deathbed.

As my cousin often says "Denial is not just a river in Egypt" It is a common trait in folks who drink

My father too also did the litany of things they did for me like putting me through private school without taking ownership of the hardships they inflicted on me (I was an only child)

You said the advantage of emotional abuse is that it leaves on physical scars - that is true but during the middle of our sometimes nightly fights, my mother once told my father "I wish you would have hit us. That way people can see the abuse you have done to us!"

Now I am learning to let go of what they did by developing compassion for myself and in turn for them because as you mentioned their lives were no bed of roses and did not know how to be a good parent.

 

[cherryblossom]

As I listen to an NPR piece that touches on abuse, family, etc the abusive father of an NPR employee wholeheartedly denies any abuse of his children.

and my parents were in IEP's and parent teacher conferences constantly

What does NPR mean? What does IEP mean? (Please avoid using abbreviations that other people won't understand. Thanks.)

 

[Loner]

NPR means National Public Radio. It's an American public radio station, relatively objective journalism with a definite liberal slant.


I also meant to include this in my earlier post, but forgot to. Yes, my parents do the whole "but we did.... for you' thing, including 'fighting for me in court' when I was only in court because they called the cops on me when I was upset with them for mistreating me, and they only 'fought for me' in court because they were in the midst of their divorce and used my court case as a way to fight for their own ideas of where I should be sent off to, which was really just a means of them fighting each other. They loved me being involved in the courts too, great way for them to get attention and look for pity from strangers. Oh the poor parents.... God it makes me sick. No one have gave half a shit how I felt. They will list other things they did 'for me' that they really did for their own selfish reasons, and were often not good for me at all.

 

[Viosinger]

Sorry! Yes, as @Loner said, NPR is national public radio in the United States. And IEP is an individual education plan, used for students with learning disabilities, special needs, etc. Once students are tested, the school can offer assistance on a scales basis, like allowing students to record lectures, verbally given tests, untimed testing, etc.

 

[Spiderallis]

I got the piano lessons and emotional abuse combo, with a large side of invalidation- and it was the cheapest piano teacher in town by half, she whacked my hands with a ruler while I played. My mom seems to have a vague unspoken understanding that some of what went on when I was young was a factor- even saying that my ex-husband and father are 'cut from the same cloth'. If my ex husband was abusive, that means... oh nevermind, my father has decided it was sleep apnea, he wasn't sleeping well so that's why he was short tempered. Oh, and it was an accident when he kicked me in the head, just like my ex used to drop lit cigarettes on me after disagreements. Funny how clumsy they got when I'd upset them, eh?

Mom has her own special place in it all, shouting "Go wash your face" whenever I reacted to anything. Not sure how soap and water are supposed to remove sadness or anger, I never could get that to work. A while back mom tried to tell me "Your father knows he's been a real ___ in the past." but I figured out that only meant that she told him that- if he came to that realization, it didn't stick, he still behaves the same way he always has. I know they're both listen to NPR, hope they recognized something in the broadcast but I doubt it.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Yeah - Invalidation was big with my folks too - That has been a hard one for me to get over - I still react intensely when I feel I am being invalidated. Working on that one.

My father also had sleep apnea - I do think it was part of why he was so angry all the time - I know once he started on a CPAP machine that it did help him.

Since I tend to suffer from sleep deprivation, I know how easy it is to snap and snarl when I have gone too long without the proper amount of sleep.

We can always pray that they see the truth about what they did - but I stopped expecting them to realize it after a while.

Namaste - Laurie

 

[shell]

A lot of abusive parents are in denial of their actions, and what's worse is they actually believe they are not to blame, and blame their victim, and convince them they are responsible.

As a child, occassionally after a particularly violent act my mother would buy me something nice so she could tell herself she wasn't the awful parent we all knew she was, on one occassion she bought me a horse. She would then go on to hold it over me, when ever she wanted to torment me and threaten to take it away, which she did eventually in a fit of rage some years later.

When I confronted her about the affect the abuse had on me, she told me I made her do it, that I was such a strong willed child that I forced her to beat me and I was to blame. May be one day she will grow up and take responsibility but I am no longer there to care anymore.

 

[Loner]

We can always pray that they see the truth about what they did - but I stopped expecting them to realize it after a while.

I think deep down my dad knows. I don't think my mother does, I think she has narcissistic personality disorder and will never admit anything, even to herself, but I think my dad knows.