Told My Mother About My Ptsd...

[macca]

I finally got up the gumption to tell my mother about my PTSD, and about the likelihood that I've had it all my life. It took a lot of guts, as my family have always ignored or dismissed stuff that has happened to me, and I expected to not be believed. But I needed to do it, as I needed to know if she knew anything, as I keep looping between knowing something happened and being in denial. For those that don't know me on here, I've always had flashbacks involving someone entering my room, my personality is meant to have completely changed at 3, and my triggers are along the lines of possible rape.

I started off slowly, and she seemed to be coping and taking me seriously, and I ended up telling her about the PTSD and about the flashbacks and symptoms that I'd had all my life. (My PTSD was diagnosed even without certain knowledge of an early incident, as I have experienced other events and emotional abuse etc, and have other triggers). She at first couldn't think of anything, but gradually opened up and by the end of the call, believed me. I'm blown away to have been taken seriously. Growing up, nobody took me seriously, or acknowledged stuff that had happened to me, even life-threatening stuff. My mother's strategy was to "disappear" stuff, and my father barely realised I existed. She had no knowledge of anything happening, but did have some very relevant information for me. She also agreed that it was not worth telling my father anything. He is in hospital right now, he is ok, but it meant she could speak openly.

My father apparently had a workshop in our backyard, and employed several men at different times, and was a member of the Masonic Lodge, so there were many men that would have known of me and where we lived. Our house was not locked at night, nobody did in our town in those days. She admitted it was easily possible for someone to have come in the house, but had a hard time trying to work out how she and my father wouldn't have heard. She took me more seriously the more I shared. What really helped was that I was able to keep my shit together reasonably well. I found out some very useful information, that confirms some of my flashbacks in part, and also added more pieces to the puzzle suggesting I was sexually abused.

So, I not only got some information that was quite validating, but I got validation from being believed. That has blown me away. Maybe she suspected something, but hasn't admitted it, to have believed me about this?

 

[Mayday]

I'm glad for you that you got some validation and a bit more information. I have a similar situation with my family, so it's interesting that you did get somewhere by talking to your mother about this.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Congratulations on being able to tell her- whether she knows something or not and whether she'll ever tell you the entire truth (and very possibly admit it to herself - although denial may be the strongest reason she wouldn't tell you) is something that only time will tell, but for now just this is enormous and I'm very happy that things went well. :)

 

[HelenB]

Well done for finding the courage to do this. I am sure it must have been such a hard thing to do and I am so pleased that you were able to be validated and believed.

God bless
Helen

 

[scout86]

I'm impressed! With both you and your mother. It's good to know that now and then things work out that way. (I was expecting a disaster when I read the title!)

 

[Flyaway]

Firstly, I just want to say well done!!! That's brilliant your in a place where you can confront whats happened to you!

The other thing I wanted to say is that there is no doubt in my mind that if you were raped at 3, there would have been obvious signs of trauma- both physical and emotional. How your mum could have thought it was acceptable to overlook these signs is disturbing. My mum turned a blind eye to me being sexually assaulted by her husband, he started when I was still in nappies ...I hate her for it. I won't associate with anyone who thinks it's ok to bring a child into the world and then not give them the love, nurturing, and protection they deserve.

It may feel safer keeping those memories bottled up- that way you won't ever need to hold anyone accountable for what was done to you... But if you do that you'll never be free.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It's not always a matter of parents choosing to ignore obvious symptoms. I was molested at age 4 and while I had symptoms of SOMETHING being wrong, I had none of the sexual abuse symptoms that they tell teachers, parents, and others to look out for. When I disclosed to my parents 5 years ago, my mom said "we always thought something was wrong but we never knew what". Yes, my parents were in a bit of denial and I'm sure yours were too, but it's not always so easy to spot a sexually abused child. We don't all wear neon signs announcing the abuse (unfortunately?). Kudos to your mom for doing the right thing now. I hope that this is a new beginning of sorts for your relationship with her.

 

[franciemarnie]

You did fantastic! What courage! And how wonderful not to be dismissed, which happens so often.

 

[Jane.l]

That must have been so tough for you - well done - a few more bits of jigsaw and to finally be believed . All things to move forward with .

 

[macca]

Thanks everyone. It was really hard to do, to confront her, as she usually slithers away from stuff she wants to avoid. I asked her, casually, several weeks ago if she'd ever had to lock the house anywhere she'd ever lived, as they live in such a tiny town now that they still don't have to, and I slipped the question in when visiting and we were walking into the house. She said "no", and mentioned the only city they'd had to (the one I currently live in). When I asked her about the town I was interested in, she looked at me very startled, and got "busy" with wedging the door open and wouldn't hear or look at me. That usually makes me give up, and it did that time. But I wonder whether my asking indicated that I "knew" and that she did know something, and it's prepared her for my phone call a month later.

The house was laid out as I remembered, and my bedroom was where I thought it was, and we slept with the windows open and never locked the house. She was wondering why the dog didn't bark, but I'm thinking it's because he knew the person, whoever it was. He wouldn't have bothered if he knew them, he never did. Plus, I've a nasty feeling (it's been there all along, but I've been in my own denial) that what happened to me happened more than once. My trauma re-enactment play that I remember at 4 or 5 was pretty graphic, but she never knew about that, as I kept it very secret (somehow I think it was part of being threatened not to tell). One piece of information, along with other important bits, was that I started wetting the bed again just before I turned 5, after being dry for 2 years at least. I continued to wet the bed, every night, til I was 11 or 12, and even had it happen a couple of times in my teens. I didn't know I'd been dry for 2 years, I'd thought I'd always done it. Certainly didn't help my already rock-bottom self-esteem. But it's more stuff that adds to what I already knew, and indicates something likely happened.

Anyway, I'm really wondering if something happened to my mother as well. She said when she was 2 or 3, she would panic and refuse to enter a certain room in her house. She also described a symptom of depersonalisation that I used to get strongly at 4ish. She described that as a kid, she'd felt like a weight sat on her chest and she was terrified - I wonder if that was a flashback. She believes it was an evil ghost. She was never "present" when I was a kid, always drifting off in a trance-like state, and now I'm wondering if it was really dissociation, it really seems like it. She really got that I felt (my T is certain) that I'd kind of put anything that might have happened to me in the "vault", and locked it off. I think she has done it too. She might then have chucked anything related to mine in there too, because confronting it might have meant opening her own "vault".

I don't know, I might be reading too much into it all. I'm just really struck by her willingness to talk, and that she took me seriously. She actually believed me more than my 2 brothers (whom I have only recently told, one in the last few days), one of which tried to tell me that nothing happened to me, the other who was skeptical. She is usually the hardest to convince. It feels like she knew something was wrong, but just never put things together.

 

[Barconian]

Well done @macca :)