My Mom's Old, I Can't Bring This Trauma Up With Her Now,guilty Again!

[Hashi]

We are happy to punish a child who hits his sibling deliberately. That is not suffering and violence. It is about teaching boundaries, respect and right from wrong.

Grounding a child or banning them from MSN/phone etc for a time is deliberately making a child suffer by losing their freedom temporarily. So is putting them on the naughty step for two minutes. Holding back their pocket money is making them suffer financially. These are punishments, and that was the intention.

The equivalent would be successfully explaining to a child that their behaviour has hurt someone, and getting them to understand the impact of it. They might accept that calmly or they might get upset and cry. This isn't punishment, it's an honest discussion. The aim wasn't to make them suffer, although that could happen. The aim was for them to understand.

 

[scout86]

The idea being "education" as opposed to "revenge".

 

[It's all my fault]

@Lucycat and @Notsowild, so sorry for the trauma you experienced. How awful. I do have a different feeling in regard to my mom. I absolutely do hold her equally responsibility for ignoring my dads actions. For me, the fact that she too was abused does not forgive her inactions. All parents are responsible for the physical and emotional protection, regardless of the situation. My dad was mentally ill, my mom was not. This by now means will ever excuse his behavior but in a small way may explain some of it. I am more angry at her at this point in my recovery. My mom has played the victim her whole life. For me, I am tired of being the responsible parent. I have never emotionally or physically abused my children despite the fact that I lived in terror growing up. That said, I do not need "punishment" anymore. I think what I need is her acknowledgement of her part of the abuse. Not just a "oh, I'm sorry that you had to go thru that but you know I'm weak and a chicken and I was afraid too.". This is her idea of an apology? I have never seen her cry in 51 years. I don't know If she is even capable of it. I need her to truly "FEEL" my pain....if even just for 5 minutes. You know the staple phrase from my dad to us, his young, young children was "watch your mother". It is pathetic that a 10 yr old had to "watch" her 40 yr old functioning mom. She actually thinks this statement is ok! What she needed to do was to stand up and say...."I do not need to be watched, I will watch you". Her needs have always come first...always. I truly believe that if only one of us were able to get out of a burning building, she would choose herself and throw us in the flames. What mother does that? She knows I've been sick for 3 years, basically lost everything that was my identity and have been so bad as needing ECT. She will call to see how I am and if I tell her the truth she will sigh and act like it is her that is going thru this! Rediculous. I will end up feeling bad for "her" and so I just say I'm fine. SO much of this is wrong, wrong, wrong on so many, many levels.

 

[scout86]

I think what I need is her acknowledgement of her part of the abuse.

What you :"need" or what you "want"? I hope it's what you want, because it's easier to not get what you want than it is to not get what you need.

You know what I think is pretty cool here? That you get the real role of a healthy parent. Seriously! Have you known that for a long time, or only after a bunch of work on it? Either way, I'm impressed, I really truly am. Myself, while I get that that is the official position on the subject and it sure sounds like the way to go, I struggle a little to see the other options as actually "wrong". (I'm working on it! LOL)

 

[It's all my fault]

@scout86 , Unfortunately for me at this point I feel like it is a need as opposed to a want. That's the problem! I need to get to the point of no longer needing anything from her. I've known I've been the parent my whole life and that statement alone is so sad.

 

[Lucycat]

"education" as opposed to "revenge".

and how would putting a child on the 'naughty step' be revenge?

...and was the judge who sent my 70 year old father to jail seeking revenge or trying to educate him 40 years after the event. I think neither. It was punishment pure and simple. Our brains are geared to recognise reward and punishment. It does not need to be wrapped up as revenge, nor as an act of violence. I see no wrong in a desire to punish. It is not evil it is about seeking justice.

I have not punished my mother. But I don't condemn another for feeling that they need to.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Unfortunately for me at this point I feel like it is a need as opposed to a want.

You have stated your mother is old. Chances are great she will never give you what you want or need. She never has why would she start now? She sounds like a lost cause. Your healing is about you. You only. You are a human being ..you can express your feelings to your mother. Her reaction is hers and hers alone.