The Albatross
VIP Member
A decision to acknowledge that the elderly person is fixed in their mental state or denial is not a "free pass". The time to work out issues with a parent is before they become senior citizens, not when they become the 2nd most vulnerable group among us (children being first).
It can be a very short stroll from the idea of "punishing" to elder psychological/emotional abuse. One that I think I would examine more thoroughly. I suspect the siblings, ("...which my siblings will be mad about as she would probably work herself up into another heart attack") recognize the advanced age and health status of their parent where Its All My Fault, perceives that the need for validation is a way to work through the issues that keep her/him in crisis.
Working in elder populations, as I do, it is not uncommon for dysfunctional cycling of inter-generational family abuse or violence to turn back toward a parent when or as they become more dependent and reliant on others for basic needs. Resentments can be a contributing factor to the use of abusive behavior (as well as guilt, and exhaustion - according to the Link Removed)
This topic is something I have personal experience with as I went through it a couple years ago with my own mother, who was a secondary abuser and largely passive and present when I was abused by my father. I can well understand the emotion behind wanting validation but my own mother was incapable and had untreated issues herself. Ultimately I had to make a decision. Either I accepted her as is in my life and would work through my issues aside and away from her or I would decide to bail on the relationship. I chose the former.
Others of you may have made a different decision. But I was not interested in pressing the issue so much so that my mother became nearly hysterical and having a panic attack, hitting herself in the head, and dry heaving. I decided that I do not need validation from my parent so badly I would ever put her through that again. She, to me, is as abused as I was and was also a victim of domestic sexual traumas from my father. In my dealings with her I see her as an untreated or diagnosed co-sufferer.
Having made that decision, though it can be very difficult at times for both of us, we are able to stay in relationship but away from the cycle of abuse with boundary setting. More on my part than hers, granted. But I decided for myself that I flat out refuse to potentially continue the cycle of dysfunction. I am not a child in her household, I am an adult woman who can extend or retreat in my interactions with my parent as I see fit.
At 53, my unresolved issues are my own to manage. I abandoned the quest for validation and decided to take the high ground and keep it until she is gone.
It can be a very short stroll from the idea of "punishing" to elder psychological/emotional abuse. One that I think I would examine more thoroughly. I suspect the siblings, ("...which my siblings will be mad about as she would probably work herself up into another heart attack") recognize the advanced age and health status of their parent where Its All My Fault, perceives that the need for validation is a way to work through the issues that keep her/him in crisis.
Working in elder populations, as I do, it is not uncommon for dysfunctional cycling of inter-generational family abuse or violence to turn back toward a parent when or as they become more dependent and reliant on others for basic needs. Resentments can be a contributing factor to the use of abusive behavior (as well as guilt, and exhaustion - according to the Link Removed)
This topic is something I have personal experience with as I went through it a couple years ago with my own mother, who was a secondary abuser and largely passive and present when I was abused by my father. I can well understand the emotion behind wanting validation but my own mother was incapable and had untreated issues herself. Ultimately I had to make a decision. Either I accepted her as is in my life and would work through my issues aside and away from her or I would decide to bail on the relationship. I chose the former.
Others of you may have made a different decision. But I was not interested in pressing the issue so much so that my mother became nearly hysterical and having a panic attack, hitting herself in the head, and dry heaving. I decided that I do not need validation from my parent so badly I would ever put her through that again. She, to me, is as abused as I was and was also a victim of domestic sexual traumas from my father. In my dealings with her I see her as an untreated or diagnosed co-sufferer.
Having made that decision, though it can be very difficult at times for both of us, we are able to stay in relationship but away from the cycle of abuse with boundary setting. More on my part than hers, granted. But I decided for myself that I flat out refuse to potentially continue the cycle of dysfunction. I am not a child in her household, I am an adult woman who can extend or retreat in my interactions with my parent as I see fit.
At 53, my unresolved issues are my own to manage. I abandoned the quest for validation and decided to take the high ground and keep it until she is gone.
