Do You Ever Heal Enough To Stop?

[angel2write]

Do you ever heal enough to stop having days where you just want to kill yourself?

I get so tired of struggling with this. I get tired of having to fight it. I feel like such a failure because I can't seem to get rid of the suicidal feelings. I don't understand why they keep coming back. Haven't I slain this monster over and over?

I'm never going to kill myself. I know that. So WHY WHY WHY do I still have days where I can barely breathe for wanting to do it?

Will there ever come a day where it stops? Anybody?

 

[It's all my fault]

Oh Angel,
I'm so sorry and feel your pain. It's been 3 years for me. Do you have enough support? Have you found a support group? One of the things that is helpful is NAMHI and DBSA. Both have meetings that help you feel less alone in this. Depression can swallow you whole. Try not to isolate and I wish you the best.

 

[desiderata310]

I thought I was the only one. No one else seems to deal with this daily. I've been keeping a journal for the last month and almost EVERY entry talks about some level of suicidal thinking. I was shocked.

I keep pushing back but man, some days are just harder than others.

 

[arfie]

It happened for me. I still get urges every now and again, but they feel closer to pondering my mortality than an inability to face another day. Appreciation has displaced that eternal despair. These days I can't seem to get so wrapped in despair to fail to notice some small, random beauty in the world. Something to help me be glad I get to be part of our amazing world.

Gentle encouragement, angel. Healing happens. Be patient with the process.

 

[yoshixvx]

By saying you will "never" slay that monster, you have effectively created your own reality.

The first step on this journey is self-love, self-compassion and acceptance. If you knew how special, worthy, and unique you were, how could you think of killing yourself?

We are all on this planet to help each other and grow to our fullest potential as infinite beings having a human experience. To kill yourself is to pass on that suffering to those around you. In our darkest moments, we don't consider this and that is why there is so much accusation of selfishness surrounding suicide. It IS selfish. Being selfish is not good nor bad, it is what it is. But to allow yourself to slip into such a narrow-minded reality (I am in pain, therefore I can only end it by killing myself) is an insult to the universe and the opportunity you have been given to grace this earth. There is another way out!

We all suffer and contract, have joy and expand. Life is not all terrible nor all good. Create that balance by focusing on what you want, loving and accepting yourself, accepting others (even if you don't forgive them yet, you can still accept them for the lessons they taught you), and raising your vibration to attract the kind of experience and people you want in your life. Go out and make that life for yourself - no one is stopping you!

Focusing on your pain can only lower your vibration, which will increase the negative and repetitive situations you experience. Once you drop the fallacy that a negative mindset will expand your positive and fun experiences, you can truly be at peace with yourself and the world around you. And then you won't want to get rid of life. Life is truly what you make it. PTSD or not, the choice is always in your power.

 

[Ryn]

I am so sorry. What a massive burden it is to bear. Gentle hugs if you want them.

For me the feelings have ebbed and flowed, but there was definitely a transitional period of time for me where the danger became less real. For a long, dark while, I was waking up every morning wondering if this would be the day I didn't see the next morning's light - just too exhausted to fight anymore and convinced the feelings would never go away until I gave in to them. But now I entertain them only vaguely, and consider myself a lot safer.

I wish I could say what exactly caused this shift, because in many ways it was a huge relief. But I'm afraid I'm just not sure. Time, I think, played a large role for me. Which, in hindsight, is slightly encouraging - there was relief coming; all I had to do was wait it out. I wish I'd known that then, when it seemed endless.

But I will urge you to keep holding on in hope of that better place. Life goes up and down. As much as we think things will always be this way, the fact is they do change, and eventually that change will be for the better. I promise! I wish I could take this pain from you. Hang in there.

 

[ms spock]

Oh Angel,
One of the things that is helpful is NAMHI and DBSA.

What are these please?

 

[It's all my fault]

@yoshixvx Wow, where do I start? First, please do not judge someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. Please do not call them selfish....they are already at the lowest place you could imagine. . You know I suffer from suicidality and have for 3 years. One of the worst things that pushed me into an attempt was being called selfish. My brain was not functioning correctly, the chemicals and wiring was off from my mental illness and PTSD and I truely believed I was being brave to remove myself from the burden I have become to my family. I did not act to get out of pain for me, I was not a coward. I acted to stop causing pain for someone else. Again, my brain was not being rational but if I was accused of being selfish! I would potentially complete the act. I am not invalidating the fact our love ones would be destroyed in any extent as they would be. It would be horrific and beyond words.

Self love, self worth and self compassion are great things. Wow, if only they worked all the time. Some of us need professional help like therapy and or meds to pull us out of true depression. Being told " you are strong and you can do it" was the equivalent of minimalizing the situation and since I couldn't pull myself up I must be weak. This drove the suicidality as well. When you say PTSD is in our power, yes, I believe that but sometimes when you cant lift your head off the pillow month after month, year after year or see any light in the world because your ill you feel powerless. That is when empathy, not judgement can have such powerful positive effects on someone suffering to the point of wanting to die. Tools such as not isolating, support groups and DBT skills can help.

@angel2write Please know your feelings are your own and you are not selfish for feeling them. Please, do NOT act on them! Find help, get support. I'm hoping for better days ahead for you. Don't give up.

 

[It's all my fault]

@Ms Spock
DBSA. Depression bipolar support alliance.
NAMHI- National Alliance on Mental Health Initiative.

 

[Deleted member 25711]

Oh dear, to say someone is selfish to take their own life can have grave consequences for the sufferer. Please bear with me. It is hard for most humans to believe that psychological pain is so unbearable pain that the only resolution to the suffering is to extinguish them self from the earth. The amount of guilt the suicidal person feels with suicidal ideation is unbearable. I can tell you, from personal experience, when suicidal people are told they are being selfish to consider this, the added guilt can be grave. Understandably, it is difficult to examine one's own relationship with pain to empathize with a suicidal soul. What is most helpful to the sufferer is sit, listen, suspend judgment, extend compassion, and most importantly please refrain from calling them selfish. The consequences could be grave. Again, this kind and empathic listening may be one of the most difficult challenges for the comforter. The outcome for your patience will be much more favorable.

 

[Loveneverfails]

It's a hard monster to slay, that's for sure! But just wanting to and acknowledging the problem is a major feat. Give yourself credit that you are not going to be defeated, that you are not going down without a fight, that kind of strength is amazing and deserves to be given validation.

 

[It's all my fault]

@sunnyfan....thanks for getting it right! Walk a mile in my shoes then and only then will you understand.