Do you ever feel like you're your partner's free, informal therapist?

[Ecdysis]

So, as a hetero woman, there's a pattern that I've noticed in relationships:

Lots of men are, um... I was gonna write "emotionally stunted" but that seems like a terrible thing to say...

I should add that I'm 48, so I'm talking about men my generation and older...

And uh, yeah, I would say that a lot of them were emotionally stunted in large part due to their upbringing à la "boys don't cry" and then society's general stance of men should be tough and talking about your emotions is for sissys.

The partner I was together with for 15 years was like this too, and when he and his mates would talk about FEELINGS (you know, like feeling awful after someone close to you had died, or whatever) they'd get really, really drunk first and THEN talk and cry in that shitfaced state...

And I once said to him jokingly "You know what, we women, we do that all the time... just SOBER!!!" And he laughed pretty hard...

(I know theses are some pretty big gender generalisations and I know things are changing in younger generations, which is cool... But I'm talking about my generation and older here, specifically)

Anyway, I'm seeing a pattern in my relationships and those of friends where for men, the (romantic) relationship is their main source of emotional closeness and talking about feelings.

They refuse to go and see a therapist because OMG NO...

And so as a partner, you sort of end up being their go-to place for talking about all things related to feelings and emotions...

Which just feels odd to me... I mean, I "get" it...

But I feel like I'm sort of being this informal, free, unspoken therapist because the men in my generation have so few other emotional outlets and basically all refuse to talk to a therapist about their issues...

I've been dating recently and finding that there's even another layer to it these days... Men of my generation won't even get "into" a committed relationship anymore to have this free-emotional-therapy-talk with a partner... Now they'll just "date" you endlessly, using those dates as free-emotional-therapy-talk opportunities...

And it's reeeeeeally bugging me... Can't they just find FRIENDS to talk to?? Or a THERAPIST??

Why turn the dating space into free talk therapy???

 

[deno]

I want to gently offer another perspective as a man—one who actually does value emotional depth, has done years of therapy, and didn’t come here to turn anyone into my unpaid therapist.

What you’re describing is real for many men in our generation. I’ve witnessed it too. That conditioning “boys don’t cry,” “suck it up,” “be a man” does significant damage. It disconnects us from ourselves and from the people we care about. It takes away how we understand, regulate, and share our emotional experiences - pain, loss, and love.

But I also want to say this: not all of us bought into that narrative. Some of us broke the cycle. Or tried. Some of us fought hard to feel, to understand what’s going on under the surface, to build something honest and mutual in a relationship.

I didn’t spend my life leaning on women for emotional support while doing none of my own work. I dove deep into the painful parts of my life, spent years unraveling generational trauma, understanding personality disorders in my family, grieving losses I never fully had language for—and I did it for me. Not so I could show up broken and expect someone to fix me.

So yes, the patterns you described are real and painful, and I hear your frustration. But I just want to say: there are men who are different. Maybe fewer than there should be...but we exist. We want partnership, not therapy. We want growth, not codependency. And we know how to sit with hard feelings without turning someone else into the container for them.

I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience...truly. But don’t give up on the idea that there are men out there who have done the work and are still doing it. Some of us are right here listening, evolving, and ready to meet someone in a space of mutual care.

 

[arfie]

yup, i have felt like this often and not just for my hub-a-lub and not only for humanity's other sub-species. when i first started therapy, playing psychologist and/or advice columnist for whomever i was speaking to was my favorite form of deflection. psychoanalyzing the psychoanalyst was much easier than facing the issues that ushered me to the psych ward in the first place.

these days i ply therapy tools when i catch myself playing shrink or handing out unsolicited advice, ESPECIALLY for hub-a-lub. even fully licensed and qualified spouses make lousy therapists for loved ones. me? i'm a better engineer than psychologist.

on a general side note, whatever the gender, i find people easier to tolerate if i take them one at a time.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks you two!

I know it's not all guys @deno and I'm grateful for that... Amidst my childhood trauma, I had a great dad who was my rock and for that reason I've always gravitated to male therapists, who've also been deeply helpful, and also found it easy to connect to men in meaningful, good ways...

However, I think that almost makes it even MORE disappointing for me... That I see the good, I see the potential and then I STILL see it f*ck up so much of the time...

The two guys I've dated recently have been LOVELY... And great at talking about their feelings... And really considerate... And just totally decent people... One's done therapy... Not sure about the other one... And at the same time, I feel like they're grappling with all those issues in a way that means they're EITHER able to be good talkers and good friends OR be in a romantic relationship... And getting the intersection of those two things to happen is just one layer too much...

And again, that makes it even worse for me... If they were idiots or shitheads, I'd be like "Yah, whatever..." and move on... But the fact that they're lovely AND can't commit to a relationship... presumably for fear of losing that hard-won emotional stability and independence and ability to talk about it all... Like, I get it... Fair enough... I just don't want to be stuck in a loop of being on the receiving end of that...

Anyway... In another thread here about anger, this idea cropped up today:

reframing it as anger at the situation

And I realised that I can apply it to this situation too... I am angry at the SITUATION that in my generation and previous generations, boy and girls were each devalued in their own ways and taught to only be a small fragment of themselves and taught to cut off all their "socially unacceptable" emotions... That's made us all be "less than" we truly are... And we're ALL dealing with the fallout of that, in every possible situation, including the ridiculous world of dating... As a woman, I not only carry the load of what was done to us girls and women, I also carry the load of what was done to the boys and men, in my family, in my community, in my partners, everywhere I go... It's our common burden to bear, as humanity and to all try and make better choices, but that doesn't magically "erase" the effects it's had and is having on us all...

And yes, it's okay for me to see the pattern of emotionally stunted men behaving in ways that are unhealthy for me... And it's okay for me to get upset about that, call it out for what it is and refuse to settle for it...

At the same time, it's okay to have compassion for what caused it... And to struggle with the fact that I genuinely like, cherish, admire and care about a lot of the guys that are struggling with these issues, even as it's having a negative impact on me, which I feel the need to protect myself from...

 

[Friday]

Lmfao… As a chick, (who used to be) in the military?

Men behave differently around women. Until they forget you’re a chick. Which DOES happen. Unless you’re f*cking them. Or they reeeeeally wanna f*ck you. Which makes the blokes who have forgotten the T&A even more obvious. Or vice versa. Men will tell things to women they wouldn’t tell their best friend, or their priest.

If it helps at all? Latino men, and Jamaican/Island men, become “safe” repositories to bleed your heart out to, as a bloke. The same way women do. Because of the cultural differences. Where that continues onto? I can’t really say. Except that most of the Latino/islanders I know? Tell-All to their sisters and mothers. Whilst keeping things from their lovers. So that may be a sex/gender/culture thing looping around… or not.

IDFK. Except that men act differently around women. Until they forget you’re a woman.

So there are both sex/gender things, as well as cultural things, in play… with anyone raised to suck-it-up. As well as those who have different standards (sisters & moms, instead of lovers & partners).

 

[Movingforward10]

And it makes me feel like I'm lieing by omission...

I'm wondering if this comes from that sense we sometimes have that we need to be absolutely precise about the abuse as otherwise we feel we're over reacting, got it wrong, will be disbelieved etc.
And that there is another way to frame this.

Would you share every single story about holidays you have been on? Or every single date? Or every single job? Or every single school exam?
If the answer to those is no and that is ok. Then the answer about this must be the same? It's not lieing to not share details of everything. It's simply not always appropriate or needed or necessary.

It's ok to share what you want when you want to. About anything.