How I Told My Therapist

[maryel42]

Today was the first time in years and years that I think I actually did intense trauma work. I thought I had, before, but nah... this was the real thing. I remember.

Beyond the emotional skin, for me, beyond the ways that I hide myself and censor my words, just where it is... all the reasons and excuses aside. Just him and me and what happened and how I lived it, both at the time and all the years since. Today was about the work. Masks off, reality on the table, and I thought I had done it before more recently... but I know now that I didn't.

Nothing hurts quite like this. Nothing resonates quite like it. Not for me. Others may experience it differently.

I'm replaying parts of it in my head, still, and I imagine that I'll be doing a lot of that until I fall asleep tonight. I'm already starting to think ahead as to where this will go next week. So much of what we talked about is sinking in; it's like a warm fuzzy comfort instead of a harder-than-nails pain. It's like it's a massive "rightness" instead of the 'something just a little off' that I tend to feel from most of the therapists and doctors I've talked about these things with before.

I'm also now looking at my calendar for this month and realizing that the next appt with the pain clinic doc is on the same day as my therapist, and the pain doc wanted to do a guided imagery session. I'm feeling very conflicted over that. My general reactions to relaxation tapes and group relaxation exercises are not relaxing. I tend to be the one in the group who puts her hands over her ears and goes lalalalalala to just try and stay present enough to NOT start screaming. I'm kinda apprehensive about it. I really don't know what to expect, but I'm willing to try, at least, because maybe it's going to be different this time?

Any advice? Have my therapist on speed dial before I go into this thing? I know that overthinking it, having too many expectations that I will fail, will just set myself up to fail before ever trying. But I'm panicking anyway.

Giving it more time, not going ahead with this guided imagery thing? Just gives me more time to work myself up into a fit. I'm not totally sure. So anything, really.

what should I expect? should I rely too much on what I've done, before, or would that be wiser to use as a guideline for me? give the therapist a headsup on what I'll have been doing in the hours before I'm seeing him? Think? Don't think?

 

[Hashi]

I really don't know what to expect, but I'm willing to try, at least, because maybe it's going to be different this time?

I think if you're hoping it can be different, you need to take steps to make it different. Rather than thinking in terms of either doing it or not doing it, and not being able to guess what your reaction will be, I'd suggest you take control of it a bit more. Find out more about what it's going to involve, discuss that with your therapist and with your pain clinic doctor, and look at whether you could do it in a way that would be safe and could help you.

I do a lot of guided imagery, and the "straight out of the box" version - that is, the regular way that most people do it, the imagery they use, the words they use, how they begin it and conclude it - doesn't work well for me given my trauma history. Even imagery designed for people who've experienced trauma can be all wrong for me personally. I have to adapt it or come up with my own imagery/approach altogether.

When I make sure it's has a structure, words and imagery that are safe for me, it really helps me.

In fact, at first I used it mostly for feeling safer. The imagery was mostly for feeling strong, safe and protected. It was also to manage the scary stuff in my head so that it didn't overwhelm me, so that it was contained while I relaxed. In the beginning it wasn't actually a good idea to simply relax and let go of control of my mind, because there was so much in my mind that was scary or overwhelming and that it was important to manage and contain. I'm wondering if this is why you've reacted the way you have in the past?

I don't recommend doing it someone else's way and hoping for the best (or being ready for a big fall out). I don't recommend doing it without preparing and planning the best approach, best words and best imagery for you. I hope you can find the right way for you, but if it still doesn't seem it would be safe, then I wouldn't do it. It's supposed to help you, it's not supposed to be a risk. If you think there is a risk of a negative reaction, or you don't have time to look into it before your appointment, I'd suggest you ask your pain doc to do something different next time.