Relationship I Hate It When My Vet Has A Stiff Upper Lip

[I'll make tea]

I'll copy what I wrote in another forum.
Background: My Vet went to the bar with his buddy but did not take me. I wanted to tell him it is okay, because I understand that he experiences hypervigialance and can go to the bar with his fellow Vet but not with me, but he only cracked stupid jokes.

you know what I hate? When my husband just does not about issues.

I give you an example. A while ago we wanted to go to a place, but when we arrived hubby came up with a stupid excuse (too expensive) and we did not go there, we decided to go to a restaurant, but hubby came up with another stupid excuse (smelly) and than we finally made it to a diner, but by the time we got there I was really, really angry and could not enjoy it. I tried to keep a friendly face because of our toddler but inside I was boiling.

That was not the first time something like this has happened to me.

When I met hubby I was impressed and thought he was so tough, because he always kept his pokerface.

By now I have realized that there are big disadvantages of that. He just HATES to discuss things. He hates it with passion.

He realizes that, he said "You know, I guess I am not good at talking about things". Exactly!

He comes from that type of family that does not encourage talking about things, they raised him to be tough. Later he attended a boarding school, were again talking about your feelings is not encouraged.

I do not like it when a man is the kind of wuss who cries about love movies... so in a way I just got the husband I deserved.

Another example: Like I already said. He just does not admit he experiences hypervigiliance.
He rather pretends that we go places all of the time, which is not true. I know it and he knows it!

 

[The Albatross]

Hmm. I'm not sure you're assessing the situation very well.

I think it is pretty obvious you have a lot of frustration and resentments with your Vet and your relationship.

 

[I'll make tea]

Sorry, not sure if I understand.

Why don't you think that I am not assessing the situation well?

... And: Yes, I am frustrated... it is because he puts me through a lot of things (OCD like behaviour and the like). I am always trying to do my very best and he does not go places with me and what is worse is not honest about it.

 

[Sandi79]

I don't think this is the way to go about things. I am only saying this because I was frustrated with my vet's need to be organized, his willingness to go to the VFW but we never went anywhere, his sleeping habits, etc. I told him numerous times "you need help".

Then we had a huge falling out, I chose to seek out a therapist for myself and four months later, I have found I was the issue. Not him. What right did I have to try to change him? He never tried to change me. We have had a great relationship since I got into therapy. He can talk to me now , he can go places with me now. Try going to therapy for you. It may surprise you

 

[I'll make tea]

Ah... okay... you think the reason why I receive that kind of treatment is that there is something wrong with me... and what is it that is wrong with my to your mind?

What does a person typically do to deserve being not talked to / lied to?

Even if I deserve not better, doesn't our toddler deserve better?

 

[Sandi79]

I don't know anything about you, so I cannot say. But you have posted here several times asking things and you never like the answers. I was sharing my experience in a way to offer a solution. You do not want to hear what I have to say.

I asked myself and my vet that very same question, didn't he love me enough to get help, didn't he love his daughter enough. It's not about that, that isn't how it works. He feels he is not deserving of love. He couldn't talk to me because I would take things the wrong way or personalize them, so he never told me anything. Now that I have learned things and worked on my issues, he opens up all the time.

Someone has to take the first step. He felt bad because I was the one in therapy when he was the one with PTSD, but my therapy allowed him to start to work on his issues. I took the first step because it made it easier for him to take the steps he needed.

Everyone has issues. Everyone. If nothing else, therapy will help you understand his issues better and help you grow as a person. There is no downside to that.

 

[I'll make tea]

By the way, I suggested Marriage Counseling to my Vet, he did not want it. I suggested I seek individual counseling to be better able to cope with his issues which are plenty, he did not want it. He did not want me to discuss him with a stranger.

He is seeing a therapist.... but he does not want medication because he thinks it will knock him out and he won't be able to defend us.

 

[Sandi79]

I came here trying to find answers, too. I was also put off the first few responses I received.

Looking back, those responses helped me to seek the help I needed, so that I could be what he needs and who I want to be. You want sympathy, you want answers. I understand that, but mental illness has no answers. The brain works in some wonderfully mysterious ways and even most doctors cannot answer your questions.

You love him, you have a family together. He has an illness, no different than cancer or heart disease. If the situation was reversed, you would want him to be able to be the healthiest he could be so he could help you. Therapy is the path to that strength.

Do not go to therapy to discuss him. I rarely ever discuss my vet with my therapist. My vet knows that his issues are not my place to share with my therapist, therapy is for me.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't think there's something wrong with you at all (sorry I was on the phone and then I wrote a post on my diary). I think that you were genuine when you tried to express that it was okay for him to go out with his friend. But that when he didn't react as you'd have liked him to you did what a lot of us here do - got caught up in a "thought cascade" (I call them).

The activating event was him going out with a friend and his response when you were trying to be supportive that was uncomfortable, frustrating, sad, hurt or angry.

The thought/belief is (as you identified): "you know what I hate? When my husband just does not about issues."

The cascade begins because your brain retrieves evidence to support the belief: "I give you an example. A while ago we wanted to go to a place, but when we arrived hubby came up with a stupid excuse (too expensive) and we did not go there, we decided to go to a restaurant, but hubby came up with another stupid excuse (smelly) and than we finally made it to a diner, but by the time we got there I was really, really angry and could not enjoy it. I tried to keep a friendly face because of our toddler but inside I was boiling." This memory reminds you of your dissatisfaction with his ability to go out with friends but avoidance of going out with you and also doing family activities. BUT you do acknowledge, astutely: "That was not the first time something like this has happened to me."

The cascade though continues and you skip right past the clue about what is underneath the angst about the initial event: "When I met hubby I was impressed and thought he was so tough, because he always kept his pokerface."

I could go on... but am short on time. But thought after thought as expressed in the initial post continue to drop you down the rabbit hole of the thought cascade til you end up with: "I do not like it when a man is the kind of wuss who cries about love movies... so in a way I just got the husband I deserved." Where the thought cascade turns away from the activating event and toward what you think you deserve.

This happens to me quite a lot of the time, and basically it is an ineffective assessment of the situation and largely unbeneficial as it drives up my stress/frustration/dissatisfaction... to an impotent crescendo.

That's why I suggested to take another look at your assessment of the activating event and the clues/thoughts/messages you are giving yourself - underneath it is the same basic problem: He does things with others but not with you or his family and he doesn't want to talk about it. It is frustrating and you have a need that is not being met by your partner. In addition, you have a child together and he is not meeting the need of the child either.

It's not just the activating event... all roads on this on lead back to Rome so to speak. The 800 pound gorilla in the room is that something has to change relationally for you and I think you are trying to reason this thing out as best as you are able. But ultimately, it is clear that you need something from your partner and will need to find a way to communicate it in a way that impresses upon him the need for change of the status quo. We did that, ours was mediated for 16 weeks. He had a mentor, I had a mentor and we met all four of us together to hash things out.

I hope this helps you.

 

[The Albatross]

By the way, I suggested Marriage Counseling to my Vet, he did not want it. I suggested I seek individual counseling to be better able to cope with his issues which are plenty, he did not want it. He did not want me to discuss him with a stranger.

It is none of his business if you choose to go to independent counseling and what is discussed in sessions are absolutely none of his business.

My spouses (both) pulled that on me, but I did it anyway. One I actually said, "I love you but you were not elected dictator for life when I married you."

Enforce your boundary and if he's not willing to go to joint sessions... get a consult let him sort it out for himself. Be prepared for snide remarks, attempts of manipulation, possible punishing behaviors, and tantrum throwing. But honey, if you need assistance, make that appointment and GO.

 

[I'll make tea]

You know, I think my problem is that my husband couldn't care less about what kinds of needs I have. :(

 

[I'll make tea]

He has an illness, no different than cancer or heart disease.

But if he had cancer and couldn't go places because of that and would claim "It's not the cancer, no there is something wrong with the place... and by the way: we always go places"... wouldn't that, too, be wrong?