Relationship I Hate It When My Vet Has A Stiff Upper Lip

[Sandi79]

He doesn't. Not because he is a bad person but because his needs are overwhelming, because he feels like a failure and not meeting your needs reinforces that feeling. He doesn't want to hurt you but in his mind, all he does is hurt people.

There are a lot of places my vet won't or can't go. So I let him pick. I let him tell me where he can go, when he can be touched, what he is feeling up to. Some days, he can't talk to me at all. Some days, he can go almost anywhere.

 

[I'll make tea]

I do not see him as a failure. Never. I am so proud of him.

He would NEVER pick any crowded places, festivals, popular restaurants, tourist attractions, town centers and so on. He would always pick places where nobody else is... but I have a need for crowds. I really do need that to feel alive.

It is however okay. I am willing to sacrifies that need, but only if he doesn't promise all the time to take me the places I like and then does not do it.
If he would tell me "Okay, I need to pick the places" and there was a honest discussion that would be okay...

BUT he is LYING like "OH.... I cannot stay in this place, it smells like burned food. I am such a gourmet, I cannot stay" (says the guy who lives in fries and fudge). that is one of his all time favourites of excuses.

 

[Echo]

I'm guessing your husband struggles to express himself directly. It might be because his fear of being rejected, belittled, etc. is so great, so he deflects his true reason and channels it quickly into the first 'silly' reason he can think of. This has nothing to do with you, I should think, but rather old emotional patterns, maybe from childhood. You say his family was an emotionless environment; he has learnt that it is dangerous to talk about that sort of stuff.

Maybe therapy would help you with your reaction to that. Only he can sort out his stuff; only you can sort yours out. I think if it were me, I would want to know why, instead of spotting what he's doing, I take it personally and get angry when someone else is acting like that. His behaviour IS affecting you now, of course, but the root to it all lies in the past. His upbringing and training have built on top on one another; the only thing you can do is think about what brings you to react as you do. You say you don't like men to be wusses. I guess there is a reason for that. What it might mean is you don't like them to show emotions. That might be a starting point, since you seem to want him to do so in other instances.

 

[I'll make tea]

Well, I already know why I do not like wusses. Do not need any therapy to find out.

My father is a great guy with lots of ideals, but also a wuss when it comes to some things. There have been instances when he failed to protect us for reasons of political correctness and wishing to please his do-gooder friends. My siblings and me were targeted beaten, pressed for money by a gang of disadvantaged youths and he played it down and did nothing to help us. Only much later i realized I could have called the police on them.

I know it is hard to believe and sounds like I just made it up, but it really happened.

I grew up around left-wing Christians and really came to despise some of the soft men that environment gave rise too.

My husband really does not want me to receive counseling because he is afraid I will discuss him... and to be honest I would like to do that. Therapy without discussing my husband would make no sense for me.

 

[Sandi79]

I never said you thought he was a failure, he thinks he is one and frankly, your opinion or anyone else's does not matter, it's he who lives with himself 24/7.

I like crowds, I like being social. So I don't do those things with my vet. I do not need him to be with me 24/7, we have our own lives.

You have a lot of anger, resentment and clearly your own issues, please seek therapy.

I am no longer replying because I have found your terminology and attitude rather offensive and my responses will not help if I feel that way, and I want anyone here to get the support they need.

 

[digger]

Does your husband receive therapy for his PTSD? Do you dictate what he can and can't talk about there?

I know it is hard to believe and sounds like I just made it up, but it really happened.

You're on a site for people with PTSD - a lot of people here have it because of parental failings in one way or another - I don't think anyone would find that hard to believe.

I think you really need to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation about all this with him. You're saying you don't mind sacrificing the things you like doing, but I wonder if that's the message he's getting. It sounds like he still wants to do those things. Tries to. But when it comes to it, he just can't manage it.

 

[I'll make tea]

Well, too be honest I for my part found your answers a little bit offensive because you seem to think that the Vet is always in the right no matter what and has the right to treat his spouse and his kid like a doormat, lie, refuse to talk and so on. Right from the beginning I felt you were thinking I was a bad spouse.

I am not angry he does no go places. I am angry he LIES right in my face. If he told me "please go with your friends" that would be okay, but so often he told me we would go together and I believed him because I WANTED to believe him. I desperatly wanted to believe him and so often I have been let down for that.

YES, I AM ANGRY THAT MY KID IS NOT GETTING THE CHILDHOOD HE DESERVES.

 

[open eyes]

You keep saying you don't like "wusses". Your husband has probably picked up on that. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to talk to you about his fears & anxieties is because he doesn't want you to see him as a wuss.

 

[digger]

I am not angry he does no go places. I am angry he LIES right in my face. If he told me "please go with your friends" that would be okay, but so often he told me we would go together and I believed him because I WANTED to believe him. I desperatly wanted to believe him and so often I have been let down for that.

I think this is probably where the two of you are seeing it differently. I don't think he's lying as such. He is trying to do these things, but when he does, can't cope and for whatever reason, pride, denial, can't say why.

 

[Sandi79]

Honestly? I do not think that because I do not know you.

What is your child not getting? How is this your husband's fault? You have not made that clear. You have stated what YOU are not getting.

My sons' don't ever see or hear from their father. I feel that is not what they deserve, but sadly life is not fair. You make the best of it.

 

[Sandi79]

I think your husband is doing the best he can. I don't like black and white, right or wrong. There is a lot of gray in this world. I just think you have your own issues stemming from your own childhood that grants looking into.

 

[I'll make tea]

You keep saying you don't like "wusses". Your husband has probably picked up on that. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to talk to you about his fears & anxieties is because he doesn't want you to see him as a wuss.

Unfortunately I will have to stop writing for today (lack of time).

I really tried to make clear to my husband that I do not think he is a wuss. That I am very proud of him, that I do not think he is crazy and so because I know that is one of his fears that people could think he is crazy.

I will try harder but really I tried everything to tell him it is okay if he is afraid or needs to cry or whatever.