Emotional Disconnect?

[FindingMyself88]

I don't really know how to start this topic… Today while talking with my Therapist, we talked about why journaling is hard or not therapeutic for me. I can write down and even say what happened to me, but it is near impossible for me to feel any emotions about it. It's different from emotional numbing (or from what I understand anyways) in that I can feel emotions currently, but when it comes to feeling emotions about what was done to me, I can't or don't. We began talking today about some of the things my real dad and his now ex wife did to me. My therapist noticed that I appeared (for the most part) and sounded so calm. She said she did notice some slight body language, but nothing big. She asked how I felt and I said a little "edgy" but otherwise okay. She would ask me questions about stuff and I could say "it's kind of bittersweet or sad", but I didn't really feel the sadness, does that make sense?

Is this a form of emotional numbing or detachment, or is this a form of repression? She said that feeling is going to be vital in order to heal, but honestly I am terrified. It's like this wall is built up. I already have so many problems from my PTSD… nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks, hyper vigilance… etc. If this wall comes down and the storm of emotions come in, I feel like I will be swept away in the undertow.

Can anyone else relate to this or have related? If you have been through this, what helped? How did you cope with feeling again? Will it truly help?

 

[Lucycat]

You have to do it very gently. Allowing little emotions/feelings at a time. Just enough that you can cope and are not overwhelmed. It takes a very long time, but rushing it serves no purpose. I have now been in therapy for 4 years and it is something I am still working on.

I don't know if I would call it emotional numbing or detachment. I don't think it is repression, but then again I am not sure if what you call it matters. Dealing with it is far more important.

 

[franciemarnie]

I felt - or actually didn't feel - the past the same way.

You will not be swept away with the undertow though I know it feels like you could. It will come out when it is safe to come out so trust your psyche.

The flooding of emotion for particular incidents that came up as time went by felt overwhelming, but it was just a feeling. I was so used to not feeling that it was scary. But I felt it and then it went away and that well went dry for that particular event I was processing for the first time.

It will come when it is safe. Not before. And then there is relief and more energy will be available because it takes a lot of energy to keep it down though you are unconscious of doing it.

 

[Jane.l]

I totally relate and do the exact same thing but don't have any answers. I just have no emotion attached to what has happened to me - except fear in flashbacks . I think it is detachment but I am not sure I want to feel - it's hard enough now.

In therapy we have been trying (on and off) to do gradual exposure therapy where I have written an account of one of my flashbacks and then I am meant to read through it just for a few minutes then put it away and carry on - in the beginning this triggered me badly but now I totally dissociate when I am reading it - I remember on many occasions dissociating from the trauma whilst it was happening so maybe if you do that you block ever feeling the emotion attached to it ?

 

[Springer80]

I agree, I had a dream once that I was running away from my abuser and scrambled up a wall. At the top there was no where to go, I was just standing on this tall ledge and suddenly realised I couldnt get down. Then just as I was getting worried the wall changed from stone to a compost heap and degraded so I wasnt stuck.

Those mechanisms will dissapate.

 

[Springer80]

One thing that helped me was an article about a poem written a 2000 years ago by a roman called Horace. Its called Atra Cura, which means Black Care. Its about a man who uses a horse to run away from his deepest fears without realising they are on the horse with him. Only when he has ridden so far and it still hasnt changed does he stop and face whats been with him all the time.

I found it a really useful visual aid and quite comforting that people have been dealing with these fundamental things for ages.

 

[Jane.l]

@Springer80 I like your horse story and will use that for some things but I think it's so complicated when you feel nothing - it's even hard to explain - it's not that you are trying to run away or even block ( I don't think ) there is just nothing there - like it happened to some else but you know it was you ? - sorry I know that doesn't make great sense - words are hard without emotions

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Lucycat I agree the name isn't extremely important, but it might help with finding out what's going on… I don't know how to let it even gently come because I don't know how to let it come at all. When trying to journal it's hard because I talk about it in a factual sense, I can't emotionally connect. It's like @Jane.l said in her last post, it feels like it happened to someone else or some part of yourself you can't connect with.

@franciemarnie I hope you're right. When I started having the nightmares and flashbacks, they came all at once and I started feeling very suicidal. I am just now getting control of myself again….

@Jane.l I have never talked in detail about a flashback in therapy, but have talked about nightmares (which are real) and about stuff I remember. I don't dissociate or anything… I just state what happened in a factual manner. Now internally I feel shaky and unstable, but thats really all. That's my problem. I can tell you what happened all day long, except for maybe the details about being sexually molested….

@Springer80 I hope you are right that this will dissipate (even though I'm terrified at the same time). I'm not trying to run away, if anything I'm trying to run head first into the battle of my PTSD...

 

[Jane.l]

@FindingMyself88 just out of interest and if you can tolerate thinking about it - do you think you might have dissociated at the time of trauma ?

I can talk in a very detached way about the basic facts of what happened but struggle big time ( mainly because of dissociation and getting in flashback ) about the actual details . It's taken me a long time to get to working on flashbacks and I still have to do a large part of it by writing it rather than talking it but just because I shut down - zone out - I have no emotion with it my brain just won't let me stay present .

 

[Springer80]

I suppose what I mean is the running towards it is still running because its not the same as being with it. I ran at mine, intellectually, logically but its not the same as allowing yourself to be that molested child.

The running is part.of it. It is the expending that energy that brings you to the destination.

I get that you seem frozen out of yourself too.

I honestly think trauma is like a spring, depending on how it effected you determined how tightly coiled your are physiologically and psychically. It unwinds at a set rate, you may guide it or nudge it but there is no button to do big or total releases.

 

[Springer80]

I feel like I will be swept away in the under tow.

Is this a real emotion?

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Jane.l hmmm, I know I did during most if not all of the sexual abuse. I think I did some during my mom's emotional abuse.. Not sure about the physical abuse from my dad and his wife…A lot of that is a mass of confusion, fear, and chaos.

@Springer80 that makes sense I guess. In the same sense that I am fearful of the wall coming down, I am impatient and ready to start healing. Right now I am 25 years old and cannot work or finish my degree…it should not be this way.

Is this a real emotion?

As in do I really feel this? Yes, like I said I can feel current emotions, its just emotions related to my past.