Relationship "break-up" & Trying To Move Forward

[LDM]

Six weeks ago he ended things. Overall, I've been feeling strong and so much better, especially in the past two weeks, than I think I imagined possible in those first few days.

It's an incredibly long story, but I'll try to summarize:

LDR, 1.5 years. Love of my life, my best friend- talked marriage and kids and the whole shebang.

The distance was incredibly hard, and lead to a break-up over a year ago (namely initiated by me, but mutual, with the intention of working on ourselves and re-evaluating when we both finished school).
Despite the breakup, we continued seeing each other/dating all last summer.

He wanted me back and to try again. I spent a lot of time working on myself and letting go of any hurt and anger from the end of our relationship. I acknowledged and apologized for my bitterness; he told me he had thought a lot about what was important in life (implying me), that he wanted to build back my trust and show me, with actions not just words, that I was important to him.

In August, we met up and I told him I was ready and wanted to try again.

That same visit he told me about something pretty serious that had recently happened to him; after that, he started closing off and having serious mental health issues (PTSD) which I was unaware of for about two months. When he finally told me in November, it was paired with a "don't wait for me, but I want you to" and an "I need to work on myself". There was also an, "I'm sure we'll end up together after all of this."

I waited.

I refused to give up on the man I loved, on someone I cared so deeply going through an incredibly rough time. Despite being ignored, belittled, and to some extent gaslighted, I stayed.
I wasn't always patient, but I tried my best- it was incredibly difficult feeling (being?) cut out of his life with little to no communication, between us or about what was going on. I was used to being let in on his thoughts and emotions, and all of a sudden (or so it felt) I had no idea where he was at. I feel like I pushed him away.

The way he interacted with me literally took a 180 from before his incident to after, and I believed he loved me still but just couldn't show it or feel it. I self-justified his actions and his questioning of 'feeling love' for me based on the PTSD. The lack of trying or communication on his end, lack of love and respect being shown was incredibly hurtful and made me angry. Any time I tried to bring up how his actions impacted me, I was repeatedly told to "just let it go." Hearing, "Then you don't understand what I'm going through," and, "I just need things to be easy," was common.


We had a few visits early this year. He would let me into his apartment (to which no one had been/he hadn't cleaned for months). He told me he could sleep well when I was there. He even was able to talk a little bit his flashbacks, etc, which he told me he couldn't with others.

The last time I saw him, he told me he wanted me to have his parent's engagement ring.
He told me he loved me and that he was trying.

Less than two weeks later: "I'm just done... I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

There was plenty of blaming- me not being there for him, calling me selfish, and saying that "it was all about [me] for a long time".

He did say, "I don't want you to think you're the only one who's hurting; I'm not doing it now over the phone, but I've had my own share of tears and crying".

Less than a week after, he's in a new relationship... Ouch.
I don't even know how that's possible- had he just moved on long before ending things with me and didn't say so (possibly out of not wanting to hurt me)? Is she a rebound? Is she quelling the loneliness, from the end of us or from the pain of what happened to him? Does he really love her, as he once did me?
He told me that 'it's just easier to keep the mask on,' (when he's with her) and that she doesn't know what he's been going through. I don't understand how or why he would chose that over someone who knows and loves him.

He didn't even give me the respect or have the courage to say it to my face and refused to see me, but 'wanted to remain friends, though he knows it may take me some time'.

We haven't spoken in almost 5 weeks.


I know that speaking will not resolve any of the hurt or anger I feel, that I likely wouldn't get answers to any of the questions I have (and that to some there aren't any), and if I did, the answers would likely not make me feel any better.

We used to talk through things, even after we broke up. Clearly we're not in a relationship any more- which means we don't do that anymore; I have to work through this on my own.

Part of me wants closure which I feel I was denied, but the only way I think that would come is if he were to take responsibility for the ways which what he did hurt me (I'm not saying I didn't make my own mistakes- I'm slowly beginning to identify them, forgive myself, and relieve myself of some of the guilt.) Knowing how closed off an un-in touch with his emotions he's been for the past 8 months leaves me believing that wouldn't be the case.

Closure will have to come from within.

At this point, I chose my self respect and dignity instead.

 

[Justmehere]

LDR, 1.5 years.

What does LDR stand for? Long distance relationship?

 

[LDM]

Sorry- yes, LDR = long distance relationship

 

[mamachick]

LDM-Do you also have ptsd?
Break ups are so hard, you should be proud that you are handling it so well and feeling so much better. It is also great that you are maintaining your self respect and dignity.

. It sounds like you were about six months into the long distance relationship if you broke up over a year ago, but ended up seeing each other anyway during that break up when you could, and by August you were both ready to give it another go when he told you of a serious event that happened to him. At this time, he starts closing you off and having serious mental health issues. Im assuming that he was not diagnosed with ptsd for 2 months or at any rate-did not share that with you.

It sounds like after this, his behavior was abusive toward you. (ignored, belittled, gaslighted) It sounds like he left you in the dark about his intentions and where he was in your relationship by cutting you off for further periods of time. I think you were very justified in feeling very hurt and angry. His behavior sounds very confusing, wanting you to sleep at his apartment, giving you the engagement ring, sharing some flashbacks, but at the same time-pushing you away.

Soon he says he loves you but not in love with you, blames you for not being there for him, and ultimately ends the relationship stating that it hurts him too. He sounds quite cold hearted. It sounds like while you describe the beginning of the relationship as ideal, the love of your life and your best friend, future plans together-but it sounds as though problems developed quickly, be it distance or something else. There is really no way to know what is in his head.

The fact that he ended the relationship and in less than a week is involved in another relationship is a big red flag. It does not sound like he is very stable, does not know what he wants, maybe is non commital, or capable of intimacy. Is it rebound? filling lonliness? really love her and not want to hurt you? My guess is that you will probably never know the answer to those questions, and does it matter. I know how it feels to want to understand what happened and why, but it does not sound like he will ever really be forthcoming. Maybe he does not even know. I think that you escaped a bullet with him.

What did you like about him, specifically, what are his good qualities that you miss? It sounds like you deserve much better and that he was not honoring you the way you deserve.

If the relationship was 18 months, and he has been closed off for 8 months, there were only 10 other months in the relationship, part of which time the two of you were broke up. In the scheme of life, this is a really short and sporatic relationship it sounds. I know that it can feel like you have invested so much, but better to learn so early than years later and end up settling for abusive behavior.

Everyone has some sort of issues, I think we just have to decide which ones are worth sticking it out with, and when it feels like you are doing all the work or all the accomodating, its time to seek better for yourself. I dont think that we ever really learn what happened from people that are closed and unwilling to get honest and share. If it burns, dont touch it. Focus on yourself and not on why he did what he did. He is someone elses problem now, and you have your self respect and dignity and can move forward without those answers.

 

[LDM]

I know my post was long and perhaps not super clear- we dated for a year and a half, broke things off last January (2013), and continued seeing each other through last summer. Things really started unravelling last August, ended officially about 6 weeks ago. Not that it really matters, but total is closer to 3 years (knowing him pre-PTSD for about 2).

I don't know exactly when he was diagnosed; he never shared much about therapy with me, other than the fact that he was going (up until recently at least).

He is quite cold hearted, which is hard for me to type and to accept- the man I fell in love with was strong yet soft. He was funny, patient, kind. Logical, yet in touch with his emotions. Incredibly intelligent, curious, and passionate, able to do whatever he set his mind to. He was excited to share his world with me. Much of that changed.

When I found out, it pained me to know he was hurting so much, and that he didn't feel he could share that with me.
I wanted to make his ease his pain. I wanted to be enough.
Though I knew it's not how these things work, I wanted him, at minimum, to want me by his side.

There's a piece of me that wants to hold onto the idea that he's not in a place to commit, yet the hard truth is that he's just not willing to commit to me.

I both love him dearly, and hate him. I don't understand how I can simultaneously feel like I know him better than he knows himself, yet not know him at all.[DOUBLEPOST=1398472055,1398471881][/DOUBLEPOST]And no, I don't suffer from PTSD. I have been seeing a therapist since after Christmas, to try and help me sort through all of this.

 

[mamachick]

LDM-I met a man at Thanksgiving and there was that super connection, chemistry, strong feelings.We talked all the time, laughed all the time. He said he had never been so happy. We moved about each other like we had been together for years. Things were wonderful for a month or so, then a dark side came out. We broke off about a week. Another great month, then same thing. I think he has ptsd but would never see a professional and get diagnosed. Really good, or really bad. When it was bad, he ignored, degraded, almost snarled at me. It was really crappy and I have ptsd and would just cry that he could be so mean. Other times made me feel so beautiful and was loving. Maybe bi-polar too. I dont know. All I know is that after 4 months I told him to get out and that was that. It hurts. Did he lie when he said he loved me. I just know that I felt like a yoyo and it was screwing with my head and my health. We all deserve better. If they cannot maintain the loving part, we are better without.

 

[NovemberStar]

I'm wondering if this is the best support site for you given you don't have PTSD, and are no longer in a relationship with someone with PTSD, AND are wanting to move forward? I'm not saying this to be mean, but just concerned posting for support in a forum for people / supporters of PTSD, it won't trigger the pain of losing the relationship? Your profile says you have been a member here for a few month, but your first post was due to the break up. Is it that you are trying to understand why he broke up with you, from a PTSD standpoint, that you feel you might have the best support here?

Just trying to understand.

 

[Seaotter]

Hi LDM,

I am in a similar situation but my now ex is not dating anyone else, but he flirts with other women to get reactions from me.

We had a great relationship and I told him I loved him and taking in love and caring is his trigger. He usually goes out with abusive women after growing up that way. I watched him physically shut down, go rigid and freeze. Physiologically, his prefrontal cortex sent a message to his amygdala that he was in threat of his life and he shut-down, went numb. He said he just didn't feel the way that he did for me. We did the push/pull for about 6 months - when I pulled away he did things for me to react and pull me back in. He has avoidant attachment (and cPTSD). He really believes he doesn't feel the same way and the numbing keeps him there, I realize now there is nothing I can do unless he recognizes it. Three weeks ago he asked for space, so I ignore him at our twice weekly mutual event and he was really angry with me. He likely doesn't know that, that is feeling. After getting back on track that week, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook. A few days later he comes up to me and chats, then ignores me, then smiles at me. I do love him, but I feel I am enabling him to blame me and not focus on himself. I know he knows he's broken. So to do the right thing for him he needs to hit rock bottom and I need to detach with love.

In your case, with the other woman, I would hypothesize a few things based on your post. I would think he cares deeply for you but has issues with intimacy/being vulnerable, he is with this new person because he is not intimately connecting with her - it makes him feel something but not a deep connection, unless he faces his stuff he will continue this pattern. I would guess that he will not care for her and it will not last long. I think this is also a way to push you away. Perhaps he wants to fool himself rebound style. My ex thinks I judge him and I do not, he doesn't connect with anyone, he is numb but he is looking for external validation. He is scared.

Your situation doesn't make sense, neither does mine.I suggest giving him the space, detaching with love as hard as it is, let things play out and in the meantime look after yourself, stay busy. It's ok to hope. It's ok to be sad. We don't know what will happen but living in the now, not in the past or the future helps me to stay grounded. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[A Nightingale Rose]

To LDM: If you are reading this, thank you so, so, so much for sharing your story. I came across your post while Googling ways to help reach closure after the end of my relationship and am new to this forum. I am truly sorry for the pain you have endured, but if it is any consolation, sharing your experience is helping to strengthen the minds and hearts of many other strangers like myself.

My situation echoed yours quite strongly: I found out a year into the relationship with the love of my life that he is an ACOA suffering from PTSD. I can honestly describe myself as a secure attachment type and my ex even told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to him as he had never received such positive support and emotional stability until he met me. However, the unfortunate fact of the matter was that him falling in love with me drove a deep fear in him because it caused him to feel emotionally vulnerable. Now, many of us may recognize that vulnerability is a normal, human state of emotion, but it represented weakness and fear to him and it also echoed traumatic experiences from his past and childhood.

On the other hand, I firmly chose to stay and support him because I had faith in us, in our relationship and our love. I researched ways to be a good partner to an ACOA with PTSD and I made compromises and ensured that I was not enabling him while providing encouragement. However, my ex did not want to seek therapy (which I realized he very much needed) and so I had no choice but to break up with him, after which he set out to make amends and begin therapy, which drastically improved our relationship and allowed him to make much progress in healing. We communicated better, made compromises and put in some hard work, and our relationship blossomed. That was one year ago.

Fast forward another year, and my now-ex has morphed into someone I do not recognize at all. The truly selfless, kind, honest, loyal, and funny gentleman is now behaving like a selfish, cold-hearted, manipulative liar. It first began with him stopping therapy without telling me, until I found out the truth by confronting him several months later. By then, he had already begun an emotional and mental decline--questioning my fidelity, mentioning other women, implying that I should "find someone better" because of his issues, and behaving hot and cold. I knew that he was definitely not cheating but trying to push me away because he was frightened of being vulnerable (and stopping therapy so abruptly compounded the situation.) To him, being vulnerable brought back memories of his childhood and a past relationship in which he was manipulated when he had felt the most vulnerable.

I tried my darndest to stay and support him, but I found myself no longer being able to compromise; instead, I felt forced to sacrifice my emotions, my time, my happiness, etc. He at one point told me that I was "too emotional" and "too dramatic" and that our arguments in the relationship weren't normal--it triggered his PTSD every time we argued. If I felt sad or angry, he told me that I needed to understand his position and not be emotional. Basically, it began to make him uncomfortable if I expressed an emotion other than happiness. I stood my ground with as much calm as I could muster, but I expressed very clearly that he needed to go to therapy and be able to understand how his actions were making me feel, rather than to try to make me not feel any emotions (which isn't really possible anyway.)

Eventually, instead of going to therapy again or seeking other help, he told me several things: he loved me but didn't know if it was still a romantic love; he didn't want me to wait for him but secretly did want it; he wanted to work on himself, by himself (no therapy) but planned for us to get back together in the future when he was "better". Furthermore, he admitted that he had felt "tempted to cheat" on me with other women because of "the pressure/stress had placed on [him]." I recognized this as this vulnerable version of him trying to run away because he was afraid, blaming me because it was easier than facing his demons. But I couldn't reach through to him, and so we had to break it off. I suggested we avoid contact for a while until I was able to recover from this turmoil and shock and until he was able to heal. He cried at our separation, begged me to remain in his life, wound up into a depression, and then contacted me a week later for a chance to be friends at least.

So we were 'friends' for a week, but unfortunately, you can't maintain a good friendship with someone who chooses not to deal with his issues--he still hadn't been going to therapy or begun working on recovery in other ways. I likened some of his behavior to a pattern of someone who is mentally ill, and I gave him one week to begin proactive recovery by offering constant positive support, maintaining that he needed to do this for himself as well as a chance at a true friendship between us. He stalled on this, told me he had been "too busy" that week to figure out his recovery plan, and told me that I was placing too much anger and stress on him.

By this point, I had had enough. All the layers of hurt and pain and disrespect I felt from him washed away a lot of the guilt I had, enough for me to put a stop to all of this endless push-and-pull.

I'm no longer angry; simply trying to learn from this, forgive, forget, and move on. But you're right about the closure--I still feel as if I never received it after the terrible way my relationship ended with someone who I thought I would eventually marry. All of you on this forum are so incredibly brave, and I so appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience, because that gives me strength and helps me to feel the closure I need. Thank you.