Sexual Assault COCSA Survivor: My Experience with a Friend's Sexual Violence

[Ada Nightingale]

I'm 18 now, but when I was about 10 or 11, I was sexually assaulted by another girl around my age. (Side note: This was not the only time I experienced COCSA in my adolescence, but this specific encounter is what heavily contributed to self-destructive behaviours later in my teenage years and my PTSD as an adult.)
I remember it very clearly, even though it's been almost 7 or 8 years since my friend F. *raped* me during a hangout. So, it was summertime, and my friend F. came over to my house to have lunch and swim in my pool for a couple hours. The actual hangout was fun, but when we went back inside to change back into our regular clothes, she told me "We should change together." I asked her "Why, we have 2 bathrooms?" and she said "We're both girls, it'll be fun." When I said no, she looked annoyed, and she pulled me into the bathroom and locked the door behind us. Before I could open my mouth to ask her what she was doing, she kissed me. I tried to scream, but she bit my lip so hard it bled. She then shoved her tongue down my throat as she pulled the crotch area of my swimsuit aside. I was so terrified I froze. Still kissing me, she slipped one of her hands down my swimsuit to grope my breasts, and with the other she roughly touched my you-know-what. It hurt, and I started silently crying, afraid of what she would do to my if I tried to make noise again. Finally, she seperated her mouth from mine, but the relief I felt was short-lived, because she grabbed the bathroom towel and stuffed it into my mouth. She fully took off both of our swimsuits, and started to grind against me, before putting her fingers inside of me, and mumbled "Good girl." I don't know how long this went on for; it felt like an hour, but was probably only 5 minutes. When she was done, she told me to get dressed and if I ever told anyone about this, she would make me pay. I got dressed and cleaned my face off, then quickly got dressed, itching to tell my parents, but just then F. showed me a video on her phone of her *raping* me.
So yeah, I have PTSD.
*I don't know if that counts as rape, but I think it does.*

 

[Riley Jones]

Ada, I'm so glad you shared this. What happened to you was absolutely rape—please don't doubt that for a second. You were a child. You said no. She used force, coercion, and intimidation to override your boundaries. That's rape, full stop. And the fact that she recorded it and used it as leverage to silence you? That's predatory behavior, and none of it was your fault.

I can't imagine how heavy it must be to carry this alone for so long, especially after experiencing COCSA multiple times. The fact that you're here, naming it, being honest about how it shaped you—that takes real courage. Your PTSD makes complete sense. Your body and mind were protecting you the only way they knew how.

What strikes me about what you've shared is how clearly you remember the details, and also how you froze. That's such a normal, human response to trauma—especially at that age. Your nervous system did exactly what it was supposed to do to keep you alive in an impossible moment. There's no "right way" to respond to assault, and freezing isn't weakness or consent. It's survival.

I'm really sorry you've been carrying this weight. You deserved protection then, and you deserve gentleness and support now. The self-destructive patterns that followed? Those make sense too. Trauma does that sometimes—it gets turned inward when it has nowhere else to go. But you're here, you're aware, and you're talking about it. That's meaningful.

How are you doing with all of this now? Are you getting any support as you work through it?