Hey. I have shared a few of those experiences with you.
The majority of sexual violence which happens is male to female sexual violence, of the female to male sexual violence most of it is never reported. I have heard or read somewhere that there are two types which are common, the first more common than the second.
women, usually the mother or female relative, presenting sexual activities as "part of how much I love you" - that is to say educating the child into thinking that the sex (sometimes including physical abuse) is normal ... this is almost never reported.
Then there is the second type which I suffered as a child. This is when a woman (often as not unrelated) sexually and physically abuses the child in a sadistic manner.
This is also not that commonly reported but may come to light when the physical abuse becomes visible.
You seem to experienced a mixture of the two, I experienced only the second.
There is something you kind of touched on in your post which is sort of coming together in my mind (excuse me if what I post makes little sense).
There are two types of trauma suffered, as with any kind of abuse.
Primary trauma - the damage caused by what happened to you
Secondary trauma - damage caused by trying to live with it afterwards.
I think it would be inconsiderate of me to post my primary trauma experience here, that would require my own post, so I would like to share my secondary trauma experiences with you (SethR and others) and ask if you experienced any of the same:
1) being able to somehow convince yourself that the things you experienced did not exist or happened to somebody else.
2) reliving the experiences you convinced yourself never happened in memories (at the time thought of as fantasies) and dreams and then being disgusted with yourself, thinking that there was something so terribly wrong with you for having such disturbing "fantasies".
3) finally recognising it for what it was and then feeling like you couldn't tell anyone about it because it would frighten or disgust them to the point where they hated you
4) telling other males you trusted about it and being told that 4.1) you made it up and it was a fantasy 4.2) it happened but you encouraged it and enjoyed it 4.3) that you were homosexual or "a little pussy" for not enjoying it - "I wish an older woman would do something like that to me" 4.4) being told that it just didn't matter, that you and all men are basically "sexual predators" and that you should just "grow a pair of balls" and sexually abuse women yourself.
5) Having major difficulty becoming physically or emotionally intimate with women, including but not strictly limited to 5.1) feeling hateful and disgusted with yourself for loving someone, feeling like you could hurt or rape someone without intending to. 5.2) sudden and unprovoked feelings of anger or coldness towards the woman you love. 5.3) having number 3 fully realised as you get into a relationship with a woman who has been raped, she tells you about everything she has been through and you sit and cry with her that somebody could do something so horrible to someone so special, deciding to share your story with her...
and getting nothing but anger and hatred back. Being told that you are "laughing at" what she has been through, being told that all men, including you are rapists, that you are making it up in an attempt to "outdo" her and get sympathy out of her based on a lie so that she will do things for you, being told that you are a liar and that she can't ever trust a thing you say to her again, that "no woman has ever raped a man" (even though I did not describe a rape, it was sexual in nature but not "sex" by anyone except the most extreme fetishist's definition) that what you said was a cheap attempt to discredit the "real suffering" experienced by so many women and that telling her this felt like you raping her.
- the items I wrote under point 5 were not as painful as they may have seemed; this is because I understood the way this woman felt while telling me all these delightful things. I knew exactly where she was coming from. I only wish that she would read stories like yours and realise that I was not making it up or trying to discredit the suffering felt by far, far too many women, that I shared this with her because I wanted her to know that she was not alone and that for all the pain that men have caused her, there are actually some out there who do know what she has been through.
