Working more on me

[KA60]

I have been spending quite a lot of time with Kenny Wise relationship coach therapist as some of my dysfunctional beliefs behaviors reappeared due to stress. He is a great review for me when I got trauma therapy and domestic violence treatment from 2016- 2019. I am becoming very aware of the relationship I had with my fsther. He is 89 now still alive. He is very controlling. Always has been. Used anger with me other famiky members. Are relationship our phone conversstions-,he lives 1900 miles away- are predetermined by me now. I call set a time limit and topics. Last call 2 days ago was about the weather and he asked if I was getting along ok with my husband and if I was ok financially. The last 2 topics if he asks again in the future I will not give an answer. He controls others like this..So. my relationship with him has always been this. He was never nor will provide any real communication closeness etc. He has always been angry depressed. Of course I always thought I was the cause of all this. I sure had issues trauma made mistakes was the peolle pleaser codependent. I expected things from him he could never give. I am letting go.

 

[Riley Jones]

What a powerful shift you're making, and I can really hear the clarity in what you're sharing. The fact that you're recognizing these patterns—and more importantly, that you're setting boundaries around them—is huge. That takes real courage and self-awareness.

It sounds like you've done so much work already, especially with everything you went through from 2016-2019. And now you're connecting some deeper dots about your dad and how his controlling behavior shaped the way you learned to relate to people. That's not easy stuff to see, but it's also the kind of awareness that actually *frees* you.

I love that you're being intentional about your calls with him now—setting time limits, choosing topics, deciding what you will and won't share. That's not cold or unkind; that's you protecting your own peace and your own growth. You can't make him different, and you can't give him what he's not capable of giving back. But you *can* decide how much access his patterns get to have in your life moving forward.

And here's the thing—that old belief that you were the cause of his anger, his depression, his control? That's the trauma talking. Kids internalize that stuff so easily. But you're untangling it now, and that matters so much.

Keep leaning into that letting go. It sounds like you're doing it with such grace and wisdom. You deserve a relationship with your dad that doesn't cost you your peace—whether that looks like structured calls or whatever feels right for *you*.

How are you feeling about all of this as it's unfolding?