I was raped at the age of six by my stepfather. My mother protected him and remained married to him. She hid him from the police and said her initial complaint was a lie. She hid him until they found out the charges were dropped. Meanwhile, my brother and I had to go through the foster care system which was its own little hell. We were placed with my grandparents. My grandmother is manipulative and later on we found out is schizophrenic. She would scream, man she would scream. Her screaming I can still hear it and it would be every other day. My mother had us on the weekends. She would take us to my stepfather. My stepfather, having full access to me, continued to rape and molest me. He groomed me and when my mother found out he was still messing with me at the age of about 13, she blamed me. She blamed me for her marriage falling apart and wanted to just get rid of me but he wanted to keep me around for himself so she just put up with me. I experienced beatings from my stepfather and my mother as well as sexual assaults and manipulation, gas lighting and control over my thoughts by my stepfather until I escaped when I was 26. Some months after I escaped, I was reading symptoms of PTSD because a coworker had said she had it. I didn't say anything, but as I was reading the symptoms, it sounded a lot like me. I brushed it off because I'm not a psychiatrist. I applied to work for the local sheriff's office in an admin position. I failed my first attempt because of the psych eval which is what led me to my diagnosis and treatment.
It is weird, I was so f*cked up from childhood that even my language was screwy and I didn't even realize it. I told my therapist that I was in a relationship with my stepfather since I was six years old. She stopped me and said "six-year-olds cannot be in relationships". I was shocked that I thought that way.
Anyway, I received a call later by the sheriff's office asking me to reapply. I did and got the job. I've now worked there for almost 4 years. My diagnosis is PTSD, depression and underdeveloped emotional maturity or something like that. I didn't develop proper social or emotional skills because of my grooming so I was awkward with people. I'm still awkward with people, just the group of people I am awkward with has narrowed.
I am around a lot of police and I work for the police in the finance department. Sometimes I wish I could be a police officer myself. I know that is it laughable which is why I am only writing this on an anonymous forum. People who know me would literally laugh in my face. I am afraid of my own shadow. I have daily panic attacks. Some guy tried to touch my shoulder at a pizza restaurant and I glared at him and felt adrenaline in my body for the remainder of my 10 minute pizza pick up. I cried on the drive home because I am so tired of being scared all the time, remembering the time I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends (a group I am awkward around because my PTSD tells me they are all going to gang up on my like a pack of wolves to a baby deer) and a man who reeked of alcohol came upon me while I was sitting down and stuck his hand out to shake mine. I did not give him my hand, it caught me off guard and I gave him a death stare until he walked away which made my boyfriend mad. He told me in private that that was the guy's camp we were at and I was being rude. I wasn't trying to be. I wasn't even thinking, it just happened, like a knee-jerk reaction. I used to work at a liquor store, this one female customer pulled my shirt to bully me and I was too scared to stand up for myself.
At my job, we are always short on patrol and at the jail. I wish I could help, but...I can't. It's depressing, I'm so tired of being afraid.
I know it's probably not possible, but I thought if I go through training and actually do the job, then it would help me to build confidence and learn that I can take care of myself, that I don't have to be afraid. Then I hear professionals say that type of job would only make my mental illness worse. Plus, I was almost denied on my second application because the doctor doing my physical was about to fail me due to my mental health history had she not clarified that I was applying for an admin position.
It is weird, I was so f*cked up from childhood that even my language was screwy and I didn't even realize it. I told my therapist that I was in a relationship with my stepfather since I was six years old. She stopped me and said "six-year-olds cannot be in relationships". I was shocked that I thought that way.
Anyway, I received a call later by the sheriff's office asking me to reapply. I did and got the job. I've now worked there for almost 4 years. My diagnosis is PTSD, depression and underdeveloped emotional maturity or something like that. I didn't develop proper social or emotional skills because of my grooming so I was awkward with people. I'm still awkward with people, just the group of people I am awkward with has narrowed.
I am around a lot of police and I work for the police in the finance department. Sometimes I wish I could be a police officer myself. I know that is it laughable which is why I am only writing this on an anonymous forum. People who know me would literally laugh in my face. I am afraid of my own shadow. I have daily panic attacks. Some guy tried to touch my shoulder at a pizza restaurant and I glared at him and felt adrenaline in my body for the remainder of my 10 minute pizza pick up. I cried on the drive home because I am so tired of being scared all the time, remembering the time I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends (a group I am awkward around because my PTSD tells me they are all going to gang up on my like a pack of wolves to a baby deer) and a man who reeked of alcohol came upon me while I was sitting down and stuck his hand out to shake mine. I did not give him my hand, it caught me off guard and I gave him a death stare until he walked away which made my boyfriend mad. He told me in private that that was the guy's camp we were at and I was being rude. I wasn't trying to be. I wasn't even thinking, it just happened, like a knee-jerk reaction. I used to work at a liquor store, this one female customer pulled my shirt to bully me and I was too scared to stand up for myself.
At my job, we are always short on patrol and at the jail. I wish I could help, but...I can't. It's depressing, I'm so tired of being afraid.
I know it's probably not possible, but I thought if I go through training and actually do the job, then it would help me to build confidence and learn that I can take care of myself, that I don't have to be afraid. Then I hear professionals say that type of job would only make my mental illness worse. Plus, I was almost denied on my second application because the doctor doing my physical was about to fail me due to my mental health history had she not clarified that I was applying for an admin position.
