Did I Mess This Up?

[Mibev]

I could really use some guidance here.

I started seeing a therapist about a year ago. In my area there are not a lot of options for specific trauma therapists so I picked a general therapist.
I liked her but I knew she was very young and very inexperienced.

As soon as we started therapy, my therapist would send me emails after sessions with her thoughts, ideas etc. and encouraged me to use email for check ins between sessions. I started experimenting with email - using it to send ‘check ins’ as my therapist requested. I was very careful and extremely discrete in email.

While this was happening, I began to disclose some deeply personal things with her - I found that each time i disclosed something really personal she would say things like ‘i don’t know what to do with that’ , or ‘i don’t know where to go with that’, or ‘i didn’t know this was where the story was going...' and the disclosures would just sit there. We never came back to any of these things.

As time went on, more often than not, she would come rushing in to our session at the last minute or sometimes 5-10 minutes late - it wasn’t a big amount of lateness but the lack of preparedness and the rushing in started bothering me.

A few weeks ago she stood me up. She apologized and I accepted but then she offered an explanation that didn’t make any sense. Mistakes happen. But the ‘explanation’ seemed wrong and off and as I said, it bothered me because it wasn’t congruent and it wasn’t accurate.

Then a few weeks ago she told me we couldn’t email anymore except for scheduling matters. I asked if I had done something to cause her concern in this regard. She said she was sorry, it was her fault for not being clear about email but that she was becoming more and more uncomfortable with email use generally in her practice and again apologized for not being clear about it. She said I might take something the wrong way and then she alluded to some vague type of liability issues. I thanked her for being honest but it bothered me that she was putting herself in a position of doing my thinking for me - I use email all day at work and am very careful so I didn’t like her deciding I might take something the wrong way. I told her it had been helpful to me for the time we exchanged email but that I accepted her decision and understood she felt uncomfortable. I said I would not continue email checkins.

A couple of weeks ago I spoke to her about my hesitation in disclosing anything to her anymore - and I asked her if my disclosures made her uncomfortable. I said that it seems that I disclose things and then gave examples of her reaction and the fact that we never come back to these things. She was quite defensive at first advising me that I was the one uncomfortable and was projecting my shame onto her. I know this isn’t the case and I know once she got past her defences she also knew it wasn’t the case. I kind of appreciated her reaction because i could actually see how far I had come on my own - I didn’t get defensive and I felt compassion for her especially because listening to her struggle, I felt so sad for her thinking she seemed like a very wounded and lost person. I could see she was feeling a lot of shame - maybe feeling blamed by me somehow that she wasn’t being a good enough therapist - so I backed off.

I guess the final straw came when she was away for a few days - after she told me we weren’t going to be able to email any more, she sent me an email from her trip with a picture. I sent a brief reply acknowledging the email. When she got back I thanked her for sending the email and said it helped me feel more connected and I appreciated it. She replied, ‘did I send you an email?’.

At that point, my soul just felt sick and I knew this was one drip too many in the glass.

Is there something wrong here and if so, is it me? I am having trouble coming up with a clinic close by or specific trauma therapists and I am at a point where I am feeling a bit sorry for myself wondering if I will be able to find someone to help. Were my expectations too high for therapy?

 

[Vuzad]

That sounds like a way more personal relationship than anything I've ever had with any of my therapists. I've never communicated outside of our scheduled visits and would never have any knowledge of anything personal about them. I don't really expect a lot from them because I feel like they are basically an employee...not a friend. So I don't get emotionally attached to them. If I'm unhappy with the service, I give another employee a chance. Reminds me of my dating life actually. It really sounds like her inexperience is responsible for her setting unrealistic and (slightly) inappropriate boundaries. She set the standard, realized her mistake and then had to back off leaving you confused. I don't think you did anything wrong. Your post reminded me of why I tend to avoid disclosure with inexperienced therapists. They are still learning and I am sometimes too vulnerable to be their lab rat.

 

[Dodip]

OP here. Thanks for your reply. yes, confused for sure. the disclosures I made to her were things that had happened to me in the past. I was thinking she suggested email check ins because she wanted to find some way to help me connect with the process since I was fairly fearful of therapy contact. I won't be going back though - I think I learned my lesson.

 

[Dodip]

OP again. I just found a link to a 'trauma therapist' 80 miles from where I live - it might not be so bad if I didn't go more than twice a month. I might check him out. I am still covered under my husband's benefits so that's a positive.

 

[Voworu]

This therapist sounds very wonky, and you're right to trust your instincts that something is amiss. I've seen quite a few trauma therapists and none have communicated via email, and most limit texting to things along the lines of confirmation of appointment times, changing appointment times, or the like. Everything else stays within my session time unless I'm in crisis, and then I could call. It was my responsibility to manage my symptoms outside of session.

I see a lot more people online saying that they communicate via email with their therapist, and overall I think this is a very negative thing. For one, the therapeutic world is a very emotional place and the nature of text is that in the absence of explicitly stating "I feel _____", words can be misinterpreted and misconstrued, thus creating issues in therapy that would not be there had the issue simply been discussed verbally during session. The other thing is that the goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and by encouraging constant communication via email, the therapist is thereby creating a dependence when the real goal is independence. I understand that some people need more support than what is given in once or twice a week therapy sessions, but what I was always told was in such a case, I needed a higher level of care and would need to attend a day program or go inpatient. I know this may seem like a pretty rigid way of viewing therapy, but its more of the "tough love" model and yes, it did work for me as it forced me to get better rather than making me more dependent on others.

Sorry if I went off on a tangent here, but I don't think that was a very good therapeutic situation for you. I think that you can find a better therapist!

 

[Dodip]

Thank you for your reply Voworu. I hadn't been to any therapists before but I had done a lot of reading and also read a lot about people emailing or texting their therapists. I thought it was normal - I honestly didn't know what to expect. Funny how the experience can replicate childhood where the people that were supposed to look after things didn't. At least in this case, i got out of there before anything worse happened. Maybe I can see this as a 'corrective' experience if there is such a thing by looking not at being disappointed in myself and feeling foolish for having stayed so long but focussing on being strong and courageous enough to have made the decision to leave.

 

[Porove]

It sounds very wrong. She sounds like someone who is possibly just training, and making a lot of mistakes a long the way. Maybe one day she will be a decent therapist - but at the moment she isn't.

You sound like you've handled it well, but you are the person that the service is meant to be helping, so I would find yourself another therapist.

 

[Dodip]

Thank you Porove. I think I think I got caught up in that 'classic' dynamic of relationships -ie, holding on because maybe she could be the ___________ (insert name of relationship here). I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach and more fearful of therapy right now but I am still pushing forward looking for other possibilities. I liked her, yet I know this is a business and we need to have professionals that can work with where we are at. But I do have sadness about the way it turned out. I guess that's just normal to feel that way.

 

[Utid]

It is normal. The one psychiatrist that I felt helped me the most is the only care provider that I feel like I mourned a loss with. Having to move on from that caregiver felt like a break up. It took me a little time to feel ready to look for another Dr.

 

[Nuki]

Thank you Utid. Yes I understand what you mean about mourning the loss. I did like her and I liked that she was offering some things to help but the entire process of therapy left me feeling stripped of my confidence and the skills I worked hard to build up over the years. I hope that it's only a matter of time before I 'live' in that place of confidence again.

 

[Mejumez]

I actually had a similar experience with a student therapist, whom I had a good rapport with. I was one of her
placement subjects', for her course.

We had a good rapport there after the first session and I knew I wanted to continue with her...plus it was free, which at the time was helpful to me. She agreed to continue sessions with me and this went on for nearly a whole year...meeting up with her at her house, and then at her university, in a private room, where sessions were held.

We also had an email allowed relationship, but I don't recall really contacting her for more than just letting her know I wouldn't be able to make a session or to change the time or something like that. The only other reason I emailed her was after we decided to dissolve the therapist/client relationship, as I felt as though it had run it's course. She asked me to give her a sort of letter of recommendation and I hammed it up but later realized I didn't give a very well rounded and honest description of how she went...from my perspective.

I actually found some of her behaviour to be a bit lacking in healthy boundaries as well, but never spoke up about it. I guess I didn't really give my impressions much credence at the time because I was just happy to be seeing someone I felt comfortable with, and not having to pay, when I was just getting past being homeless and had started to cut ties with my parents at that time. I was still in a bad place though, looking back, so it may not have been the best decision?

Anyway, a few things you mentioned did seem inappropriate of her...but I guess it's the whole 'just new to the game' thing as well. We made the choice to go with someone who had little experience, and I think it really highlights that it's important to go with someone you feel comfortable with, but also if they don't have that much experience, then there are bound to be some things that leave you a bit iffy.

With mine, she tended to give some rather judgemental opinion voice, in regards to some decisions I had divulged with her. I could see where she was coming from, but couldn't work out whether that is actually good therapy...offering opinions based on her own moral code, and trying to teach me in a way, to go with what she thinks, rather than listening to me and my reasons and not judging me...which would have helped me a lot more I think.

 

[Dodip]

Thank you Mejumez - your point about that we chose someone without a lot of experience and the trade-offs that come along with it really resonated. I sure learned a lot about what some of those tradeoffs are or can be. Like you, I was so happy to find someone I felt comfortable with but I can see how the inexperienced boundaries ended up being just bad therapy. I did mention things to her about boundaries and her to reaction to things but I was careful not to blame (I think) because she just struck me as so ... vulnerable and 'little and scared'. That may be my projecting on my part but i figured if she felt as vulnerable and little and scared as I did then judging her wasn't going to help the situation. I felt I could see a lot of her vulnerabilities in addition to her inexperience and I didn't want to see how vulnerable she felt. It kind of broke my heart.

Mejumez, did you end up going for therapy with someone that was more experienced?