Confession - I don’t have much to live for

[arfie]

i don't trust myself with living beings much though because i do them more harm than good, at least from my own point of view.

empathy. i have paved far more roads to hell with my good intentions than i have solved problems. in hindsight, i believe this is another byproduct of my trying too hard. my good intentions seem far more effective when i stay humble and come from the heart with minimal effort.

 

[Rose White]

Am feeling pretty low so forgive if I’m making it worse but idk if there is anything to live for. M told me “you have your kids, I have nothing.” But I never thought living for my kids was a reality because I felt I made my kids life worse. I am not actively pursuing my own demise and I do push back against the SI and I notice joy as much as I can. But idk if anything is worth living for. I feel disposable and replaceable. I don’t choose life. I choose death (thank you csa) but I don’t get to have it. This break up with M is forcing me to choose myself. I don’t want to die over it. But if I could I think I would choose non-existence. But wouldn’t it be weird if you could choose to die but then you got to see what would happen if you hadn’t chosen death? So, something I heard about “choosing” to stay is being curious about what might happen. I laughed today with my students and it felt genuine and was a moment of relief and forgetting. And even though I had to return to grief, I did get to experience that. So, I guess trying to see the cycles? Idk. Sorry this is so rambling. It’s hard for me to conjure real hope because I’m a teacher and I’m forced to do it as my job, so when I’m alone I fall into a more nihilistic mindset, as a kind of counter point. I want to say that what you are feeling is perfectly understandable in light of all that you’ve been through. I think most csa victims feel SI and experience addiction. Pedophilia is the destructive force of life. Sorry if I got your story messed up I thought you said you experienced csa in another thread.

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

I really appreciate everyone's replies in this post. I wish I could provide more details but it's rather complicated and at the same time without them not much is clear.

 

[NicoleLynn]

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts, and one of my main reasons for not having killed myself is my mother. I think about how horrible she would feel if I died. I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mother, however. Sometimes I feel like I am living for my mother.

 

[Rhuby Red]

I spent 20 years in depression, feeling like life was meaningless and I was just waiting until it was over. Anhedonia meant nothing brought me joy or pleasure or interest. The best I could have was not having to perform normal. Just sitting on the couch watching tv and eating was at least like putting down some of the weight I was lugging around looking like I was functioning. But still ... I still felt bored by the meaninglessness of everything, and the effort life demanded of me - and for what?

Not wanting to devastate and destroy my mother is the reason suicide was off the table for me. I thought about it a lot, but usually in the context of "it seems like the solution. So why am I not? What is stopping me? How bad would it have to get before it became a real option?".

We all have our own stories, histories, journeys. My 20 years of depression and anhedonia and meaninglessness finally lifted when I discovered that my mother AND father and both NPD, my boyfriend of 8 years (whom I thankfully had broken up with) was also NPD (we return to what feels familiar), and the one person who made me feel safe as a child/teenager was a male teacher who I hadn't been allowed to be close to of course (I know appropriate boundaries), and whom I had lost with great devastation and grief when I finished high school. 20 years later, finally understanding, I went and found him.

When the important and meaningful thing wasn't allowed to be important and meaningful in my life, nothing could be.

Life is still life. Ups and downs and challenges. But I am alive again at last. And that awful 20 years of waiting, hoping, seeking, trying to sort myself out and feel like life had meaning felt like a really long time to wait. But now.... I am so proud of myself for sticking with life and making it through that huge darkness, and arriving here were my life finally feels like it makes sense again.

Don't know whether any of that gives you anything for your own reflection on yourself. Maybe, maybe not. But it's what I've got.

I really hope you can find your way through and to meaning for yourself. I'm so sorry this cPTSD mess happened for you. It sucks so much, and is not your fault.