Am feeling pretty low so forgive if I’m making it worse but idk if there is anything to live for. M told me “you have your kids, I have nothing.” But I never thought living for my kids was a reality because I felt I made my kids life worse. I am not actively pursuing my own demise and I do push back against the SI and I notice joy as much as I can. But idk if anything is worth living for. I feel disposable and replaceable. I don’t choose life. I choose death (thank you csa) but I don’t get to have it. This break up with M is forcing me to choose myself. I don’t want to die over it. But if I could I think I would choose non-existence. But wouldn’t it be weird if you could choose to die but then you got to see what would happen if you hadn’t chosen death? So, something I heard about “choosing” to stay is being curious about what might happen. I laughed today with my students and it felt genuine and was a moment of relief and forgetting. And even though I had to return to grief, I did get to experience that. So, I guess trying to see the cycles? Idk. Sorry this is so rambling. It’s hard for me to conjure real hope because I’m a teacher and I’m forced to do it as my job, so when I’m alone I fall into a more nihilistic mindset, as a kind of counter point. I want to say that what you are feeling is perfectly understandable in light of all that you’ve been through. I think most csa victims feel SI and experience addiction. Pedophilia is the destructive force of life. Sorry if I got your story messed up I thought you said you experienced csa in another thread.
