Hi, my name is Barbara and although I don't know how long I have had PTSD, I am finally aware that I have it.
One of the doctors that treats my chronic pain conditions has been telling me for over a year that I have it. That same doctor finally convinced me to go into therapy and the psychologist tells me I have it. I am fighting the diagnosis and I don't know why. I guess because it has ruined my life and I am grieving that lost woman. They told us in my trauma group that we will never be the same and that we have to go through the stages of grief. Well, I am bouncing around those stages like a spastic rubber ball.
My PTSD is coming from a lifetime of traumas that just seem to be neverending. I now suffer from chronic pain and a host of other illnesses, along with the PTSD, that have kept me in my home for most of the last year. I am just coming to terms with the idea that I am disabled and will probably never be able to work again. Shouldn't be a big surprise to me considering that going out my front door causes severe panic.
I keep hearing that line "If people knew what was out there hunting them, they would never leave their homes." Hunting us....that thought plays through my head a lot. Narcissists, that is who is out there hunting us. I seem to have a big ole neon sign on my back that says --- come abuse me, I can take it. I'm intelligent, intuitive and have a terrific sense of humor and somehow that has made me a target. My kids tell me I'm just too nice. That is just sad. I have to become mean and aggressive to keep these people away since they are "special" and the rules don't apply to them.
I've dealt with a long of anger this past week. I have a laundry list of traumas - child abuse, death of my sister, depression, abusive ex-husband, scleroderma, hysterectomy, fibromyalgia, central retinal artery occlusion (stroke that blinded me in one eye), chronic pain, family members who are emotionally void, loss of depth perception, loss of ability to drive at night, abusive boss who was hell bent on destoying me, loss of job and now being darn close to bankruptcy. The list just never stops.
I think the final trauma that sent me over was the diagnosis of primary immune deficiency in my grandson. I can see our future with this child and it is grim. Because this is an x-linked disease, there will be no other grandchildren. He is a little blond angel and my heart just breaks a little everyday as I watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with this and watch the things that my grandson has to go through. He just started having focal seizures this month. We have all been holding our breath for 6 years wondering when it was going to start. It looks like it has started.
So, I am glad I found you people. I've been told I have a long road in front of me. I have a psychologist and trauma group now, I have filed for disability and made an appointment with an attorney for when SS makes that first denial; I have made contact with a woman who has already made the journey, has written a bestselling book about trauma and is helping me via email. And now I have this forum. I know the support is out there but isn't it amazing how all over the place our thoughts are and how much we deny?
I have group tomorrow. Last week it set off an explosion of emotions. I'll let you know how this week goes.
Barbara
One of the doctors that treats my chronic pain conditions has been telling me for over a year that I have it. That same doctor finally convinced me to go into therapy and the psychologist tells me I have it. I am fighting the diagnosis and I don't know why. I guess because it has ruined my life and I am grieving that lost woman. They told us in my trauma group that we will never be the same and that we have to go through the stages of grief. Well, I am bouncing around those stages like a spastic rubber ball.
My PTSD is coming from a lifetime of traumas that just seem to be neverending. I now suffer from chronic pain and a host of other illnesses, along with the PTSD, that have kept me in my home for most of the last year. I am just coming to terms with the idea that I am disabled and will probably never be able to work again. Shouldn't be a big surprise to me considering that going out my front door causes severe panic.
I keep hearing that line "If people knew what was out there hunting them, they would never leave their homes." Hunting us....that thought plays through my head a lot. Narcissists, that is who is out there hunting us. I seem to have a big ole neon sign on my back that says --- come abuse me, I can take it. I'm intelligent, intuitive and have a terrific sense of humor and somehow that has made me a target. My kids tell me I'm just too nice. That is just sad. I have to become mean and aggressive to keep these people away since they are "special" and the rules don't apply to them.
I've dealt with a long of anger this past week. I have a laundry list of traumas - child abuse, death of my sister, depression, abusive ex-husband, scleroderma, hysterectomy, fibromyalgia, central retinal artery occlusion (stroke that blinded me in one eye), chronic pain, family members who are emotionally void, loss of depth perception, loss of ability to drive at night, abusive boss who was hell bent on destoying me, loss of job and now being darn close to bankruptcy. The list just never stops.
I think the final trauma that sent me over was the diagnosis of primary immune deficiency in my grandson. I can see our future with this child and it is grim. Because this is an x-linked disease, there will be no other grandchildren. He is a little blond angel and my heart just breaks a little everyday as I watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with this and watch the things that my grandson has to go through. He just started having focal seizures this month. We have all been holding our breath for 6 years wondering when it was going to start. It looks like it has started.
So, I am glad I found you people. I've been told I have a long road in front of me. I have a psychologist and trauma group now, I have filed for disability and made an appointment with an attorney for when SS makes that first denial; I have made contact with a woman who has already made the journey, has written a bestselling book about trauma and is helping me via email. And now I have this forum. I know the support is out there but isn't it amazing how all over the place our thoughts are and how much we deny?
I have group tomorrow. Last week it set off an explosion of emotions. I'll let you know how this week goes.
Barbara
