Reporting Your Abuser - How Do You Muster Up The Courage?

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi everyone.
(I hope I'm posting this in the right forum. I couldn't find a similar thread, but if there is one already I apologize!)

I was raped almost three years ago and have only started realizing/accepting that it was rape a little over a year ago. I still find it very hard to put the blame on the rapist, as I've felt responsible for what happened ever since that day. I still make excuses for him, like "well I wasn't screaming", "I didn't literally say 'no'", and "perhaps he didn't realise I didn't want it", even though my trying to physically push him away, some of his remarks afterward and a few other things do point to him knowing exactly what he was doing.

Anyway, to everyone who has had the courage to report their abuser(s) (of course no matter the way they hurt/abused/neglected you; be it physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual): how did you get strong enough to do that? How did you prepare yourself? And are you glad that you did so?

 

[shimmerz]

This is a tough one because you may be staring down the dreaded 'nobody believes me thing'. I got a great taste of that when I repeatedly reported my abuser. I hate to say it because I would rather be telling you that there is justice out there for all. I found it most empowering (after being denied help over and over again) to simply know that I knew and they knew but it did help me to know that I tried to speak my truth. That was so important to me. Most important however, was that I knew exactly what happened and could work on what I had to do in order to tighten up my vulnerabilities. I am a work in progress and they are not. They both still abuse. I am proud, regardless of whether anyone heard me, that I did my best to speak up. I am not entirely comfortable with this posting as it is most likely not uplifting but it was my experience.....

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe knowing what you want to get from reporting is important. For example, do you want to see legal justice or do you want to know that you did report it.

If you want legal justice, how would you approach this? Police, private lawyer?

Just some thoughts that might help.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I agree with both of the posts above.

Also, depending on what country you are in, victim support, womens aid and rape/sexual abuse charities, often have independent advisors that can guide you through the process as well as support you.

I found out about reporting, but in the end decided not to, because it would have meant explaining what happened to my children etc. But, I didn't report at the time because of fear, and being told it 'was best' if I didn't say anything. So, to have considered reporting and found out about it, then to have made my decision not to report for myself, and for my family, was empowering. It was a decision for me, not for fear of them.

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhh! Right @Meadowsweet! Here in Canada they have an agency called DASA (Domestic abuse and sexual assault) which NOBODY - not the police, nor the hospital staff nor the lawyers nor - well anybody told me about. And get this. It was the floor above the hospital staff that were 'helping' me as I was actively being harassed and abused after I had left the house. They were fabulous! Safety plans and so much more. They also were very good at validating my experience. No judgement, just empathy and good solid advice on keeping me alive at the time. Meanwhile the doctors were telling me to 'take it easy' and that I was imagining things. We also have women's shelters here who do outreach work. Maybe you have agencies like that in the Netherlands.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and insights with me.

@shimmerz: your post was very helpful to me, thank you. I think it's very brave of you to speak up like that, even though your reports were dismissed like that. Correction: especially because you reported your abuser again after nobody did anything. That is very inspirational to me. You have all the right to be proud!

@ghotiff: that is a very good point. I don't know what I want yet. I know my parents would prefer him to be locked up for the rest of his life, but because I still feel like I was a part of my own victimization, the thought of testifying against him in court seems so wrong and terrifying. However, he might very well still be abusing others and if I can prevent that from happening in the future by reporting him and/or testifying against him, I will.
Seems silly, doesn't it? I would feel much more comfortable testifying if I knew I wasn't the only one, if I knew I would be taken seriously and that I can make a difference.
So far I'm just still terrified of even speaking of it. I cannot even say the word "rape" in my own language because that makes it too real.

 

[ghotiff]

I think I can understand maybe where you are at. You want to protect others and would add a voice to someone else's story, but are not comfortable to take the leading role?

Do you have resources to ask for legal advice on how this process might work. Maybe more information would help you work out what you want to do.

 

[shimmerz]

@Snowwhite, if you are not ready to speak those words, then my suggestion is to follow your gut. They say no guts no glory but I don't believe that to be true. I think it is more 'if you don't follow your gut, no glory'.

I feel lke I am hearing in your last posting that you may traumatize yourself more by continuing to pursue this issue in the system. The system is not fair and if you are prone right now to being damaged even more, I wouldn't suggest taking on the system. In so many ways, I realize that through all those struggles I had (and there were so many), it just dug me a deeper pit as I was more and more disappointed in a society that I thought, naively, was fair and just.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So, to have considered reporting and found out about it, then to have made my decision not to report for myself, and for my family, was empowering. It was a decision for me, not for fear of them.

That is a very brave thing to do, Meadowsweet. I'm glad that you found the strength and courage to make a decision that suited you best.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@ghotiff : yes, I think you're right. I'd want to take the leading role, though, but I'm too afraid no one will take me seriously. Which is not at all the biggest problem, of course.

@shimmerz : I agree with you that the system is unfair and that my statement probably won't change anything. But I do want to give it a try. I want to be able to look back and know that I did everything I could to get my abuser caught before he hurt others. Right now, I am by far too afraid to report it. But I'm trying to get together enough courage to do it. I still have a little less than 2 years left until the crime "expires" , so there's enough time, but there is a lot of work to do until I can get to the point of standing up for myself and reporting the rape.

 

[shimmerz]

Proud of you @Snowwhite. My only advice is that there is someone watching you throughout this process to monitor whether it is exacerbating your stress symptoms.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

With the help of the Ombudsman program I turned in my dad for his day care at his house. Five kids all very small. He moved away to another state after that. I live in the US so I do not know if you have that program. I was going to AMAK adults who were molested as children and they helped me. I disconnected from my entire family at that point and I have no regrets. My father died last year and he will never harm another again.

I think the others have given very good suggestions. It is very scary to go through the process but it was the best I could do.
I wish you the best in your challenges that you face and deal with every day. You are innocent and it is not your fault and you are not alone. Take courage and hang onto hope.