Forge Meaning, Build Identity

[desiderata310]

http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are
I would like to be able to "forge meaning and build identity" or at least find some relief from all this but I don't know how. None of what has happened makes any sense.

There is a guy who works as a tech at the theater who has combat related PTSD. He knows why. There is a greater good that was gained (or at least that is the meaning he has forged) by what he now deals with. He can point to it and say it had a meaning and he has found his PTSD to be a blessing.

I see no such advantage to the way I feel.

Last weekend I couldn't even leave the house and I can't tell you exactly why. Right now all I seem to be able to do is just barely keep the panic at bay.

I don't know the answer.

 

[Hope4Now]

It surely would be easier if we knew the ultimate meaning of all this mess we're in. I suppose each of us must consider constructing it for ourselves, within ourselves. Nobody else is going to do it for us, because it is our own experience. When the symptoms are really bad, though, it is nearly impossible to get a perspective beyond just moment-to-moment get-through-it and survive. And any "meaning" that arises when we're activated like this is likely to be pretty dark (in my experience at least). But the symptoms do abate more or less, and those moments are (I've found) the openings to reflect on how our experiences are shaping us.

Sorry if this all sounds flakey. I am not a religious person, but I am deeply spiritual and try to keep my heart open to the bittersweetness of the human condition. The "meaning" of good and bad experiences emerges eventually, if we allow ourselves time and space to reflect on it rather than hunting it down with pinpoint precision. We are all suffering and struggling on this life path together, but most of us don't know it/can't see it. And many of people aren't interested in "meaning." Life with PTSD feels very lonely and isolating and frightening most of the time. I am forever seeking out people who are reflecting on these kinds of questions and issues, because I have found that talking and writing about them helps my own unique "meaning" to emerge.

There's no answer in what I wrote...and you didn't actually ask for an answer or advice, so apologies if this post does nothing for you. I salute you for seeking a deeper sense of your life experience.

 

[desiderata310]

@Hope4Now I guess I didn't ask for answers! I don't expect anyone to have the answer for me or my story.

I am frustrated because it seems I am regressing instead of making progress in therapy: extreme panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and actions, flashbacks. Before i started therapy, i had my moments but i was mostly... Functional.

I am worse than I have been ever.

I did want to share this video.

It did start a conversation and seemed to excite my therapist who felt that this spoke directly to why he loves working in therapy and EMDR so much.

He felt I am making progress and I simply can't see it.

 

[Hope4Now]

I understand your frustration. I get these little moments when things seem to be getting better, and then slammed down again by all the examples you mention, and the hope goes dark. I am sorry it is so hard for you right now. It is good that your therapist feels you are making progress. Can he give you any examples to help you see it? Truthfully, I feel like a little kid in therapy--I need things repeated to me, I need affirmation and validation and reassurance pretty constantly. Trauma work at whatever stage (and I'm still early in) is REALLY hard and stirs up so much stuff it makes me feel completely crazy. I feel MUCH less functional than I was before I started therapy, but for me what was "functional" was actually making me sick...if that makes sense. Thank you for sharing the video.

 

[StellaBlue]

@Hope4Now I am frustrated because it seems I am regressing instead of making progress in therapy: extreme panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and actions, flashbacks. Before i started therapy, i had my moments but i was mostly... Functional.

Yes.

 

[desiderata310]

It's cold comfort knowing I am not the only one who feels like they have lost their mind.

 

[Hashi]

OK, I'm not good with video as a medium anyway, but his robotic Stepford Wife style of delivery means I've stopped at about a minute.

Based on that minute, the title, and what you've said (so shoot me, I don't have an auditory learning style and hate videos - but I have given the concept of meaning a lot of thought), I would say that this whole idea of meaning is problematic for me. I think it can be helpful and I think it can also be oppressive and unhelpful.

I think there's something which is the meaning we give things, and I think that's separate from this. I am interpreting meaning here as something like purpose. In that sense, I don't see any meaning for me in what I've been through. I don't see meaning as there ready to pick up, and I don't see it as something for me to forge. I can see that my experience and my healing may have meaning for other people, and I reject that for myself. Personally, I couldn't care less about the meaning my experiences have other people. Other people's feelings have little impact on mine. For myself, nothing can ever make what I've been through worthwhile - it can never have any meaning that I care about.

For me, acceptance is much stronger than meaning. This isn't a life I would have wanted, but it's the life I have. If you want me to somehow be appreciative rather than just accepting, I would very strongly challenge your right to ask that.

In fact, meaning is an additional burden that I have to accept - someone else's meaning, that is. If someone else finds some meaning here, fine. Don't expect me to be glad of that.

And - sorry to say - don't expect me to think that having a child with disabilities is the same as being traumatised by the kinds of things that me and other people on this forum have been traumatised by. With a child with disabilities, you might have all sorts of "challenges" I can't imagine. Vice versa. If the first minute had mentioned my kind of trauma, you'd have got my attention. If not - different planets probably. That's TED talks for you.

 

[ghotiff]

@Hashi

nothing can ever make what I've been through worthwhile -

I so agree with you. Acceptance is an important step for me .... but gratitude (or anything similar) no way.

 

[Valentino]

TED often provides full transcript of talks, sometimes in multiple languages. I imagine this is to help accommodate people who prefer other formats instead of just video, or for audiences with different primary language.

This talk has a full transcript available here: http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_sol..._lives_make_us_who_we_are/transcript#t-386670

Some excerpts that may be interesting:

When we're ashamed, we can't tell our stories, and stories are the foundation of identity. Forge meaning, build identity, forge meaning and build identity. That became my mantra. Forging meaning is about changing yourself. Building identity is about changing the world. All of us with stigmatized identities face this question daily: how much to accommodate society by constraining ourselves, and how much to break the limits of what constitutes a valid life? Forging meaning and building identity does not make what was wrong right. It only makes what was wrong precious.

Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist who had nearly died in prison and had spent many years in solitary confinement, told me she was grateful to her jailers for the time she had had to think, for the wisdom she had gained, for the chance to hone her meditation skills. She had sought meaning and made her travail into a crucial identity. ... Ma Thida said, "We Burmese are noted for our tremendous grace under pressure, but we also have grievance under glamour," she said, "and the fact that there have been these shifts and changes doesn't erase the continuing problems in our society that we learned to see so well while we were in prison."
And I understood her to being saying that concessions confer only a little humanity, where full humanity is due, that crumbs are not the same as a place at the table, which is to say you can forge meaning and build identity and still be mad as hell.

We don't seek the painful experiences that hew our identities, but we seek our identities in the wake of painful experiences. We cannot bear a pointless torment, but we can endure great pain if we believe that it's purposeful. Ease makes less of an impression on us than struggle. We could have been ourselves without our delights, but not without the misfortunes that drive our search for meaning. "Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities," St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."

One of the other mothers I interviewed when I was working on my book had been raped as an adolescent, and had a child following that rape, which had thrown away her career plans and damaged all of her emotional relationships. But when I met her, she was 50, and I said to her, "Do you often think about the man who raped you?" And she said, "I used to think about him with anger, but now only with pity." And I thought she meant pity because he was so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing. And I said, "Pity?" And she said, "Yes, because he has a beautiful daughter and two beautiful grandchildren and he doesn't know that, and I do. So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."

 

[jmni]

I don't want to establish myself as the worlds biggest critic but I don't like TED talks. Each one that I've watched has a deep ethical message at the end and I think it's a bit too touchy feely much of the time. So I don't watch them.

Despite that I am interpreting the gist of this video as a reference to people being defined by their past. On the one hand someone like Eckhart Tolle says we don't have to be defined by our past. Meanwhile people tell us traumatic incidents don't have to define who we are. But no matter what, I feel that my past has defined who I am. Its inescapable and I don't want to accept it but I can't avoid it. On the other hand, my past will never change. And I hate my past. But it just is what it is. At least I am able to look at it an analyze it from different angles at this point rather than head on the way I used to have to. And I know 'what happened' does not equal 'me.'

 

[StellaBlue]

I don't know how to add the @Hashi, so assume it's there. To me (and I didn't watch the video) finding "meaning" means making sense of it. I've tried to articulate how working through (slowly, not done yet) my trauma(s) has caused my memory to become more "linear" - like things are falling into place - this happened because this happened because all of these other things happened. It's very consistent with my concept of karma - karma is not about retribution, it's about interconnectedness. So "meaning" to me is not about "oh God shut the door, but opened a window" sort of BS...but rather...hey, this is making some sense to me about what happened and why I reacted (and continue to react) in the way I did.

 

[Go Hungry]

I tried to find meaning for years in some of the things that happened to me, but I gave up, as constantly re-hashing and examining them only made me fall deeper into misery. I dedicated upwards of 10 years trying to figure out the reason behind one series of events. But in the end it just came down to abuser and a victim. There was no meaning, no purpose, just one person taking advantage of another. So I quit. Honestly I rarely even thought about those things until my PTSD got kicked off again, now they are bubbling back up.

I think part of it is that I've never really gotten the chance to write it down and explain it. Sure I've been over the narrative thousands of times in my head, but never really explained it. But I've got this diary thing now and at some point I'll try and put it down. But I don't expect some epiphany to come from it. Just maybe a base point from which I can try to define myself rather than continue being defined by the experience. This may be what the guy was talking about after all.. Hmmmm... :wacky: