Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Pops]

Good thread...

Again, as I have said before, I can only go on my own experience but this is what I have found.

We have always had a fantastic relationship, a genuinely warm and loving one with lots of fun and laughing and, as naff as it might sound, we are each other Best Friends too so we did all sorts together.

Apart from being incredibly upset and angry on his behalf, my first thought was "what is this going to do to us".

6 months later, the reality is nothing.....it has made us stronger if anything (if that was possible) and "us" is still the same. We still have fun, we still laugh, we still do things together....it's just maybe the long walks are shorter or the frequent weekends away are reduced by a few and replaced with weekends at home where we have as much fun. And of course, now, we also have bad days but we don't let them take over. If he is having a bad day, I know what I need to do to help.....just be there and act normally...don't fuss any more than I would and depending on the trigger, do nothing.

He also knows me well enough to know when I'm having a bad day and he then becomes the one to cheer me up.

If it happens to be that we have a bad day together, I remind myself that how he feels is a million times worse than how I do and look around at how lucky and blessed I am in life and that usually works for me.....

We are very lucky in the sense of although he is suffering quite badly, he is of the character where as much as possible he tries not to let it affect him too much. We are also lucky in the level of after care he is getting though and I feel that has enabled him to deal with it the way it has...a different counsellour, a different treatment programme and who knows what may have happened.

Above all though, its just a case of being there for each other and having no expectations of when and if things are going to go back to "normal"...

 

[Deleted member 1606]

Be straight up. PTSD is a condition of loss of trust or loss of control. In the long run, honesty is the most comforting thing for a sufferer.

"I care about you, and want to continue helping you, but what's the best way for me to get what I need?"

But making him set the rules, you're reinforcing the idea that he must take responsibly.

Be compassionate; be honest.

 

[TLight]

Karma;
I think that is good advice. As a sufferer, I know I need a strong partner to be honest and lay it on the line with me and not let me get away with any BS.

As long as I trust my carer (which takes time), then I can trust that what they are telling me is not some sort of manipulation or character assassination, but a sincere effort to help me out when I'm in a negative spiral.

 

[Nicolette]

I know I need a strong partner to be honest and lay it on the line with me and not let me get away with any BS.

That is a crucial point Tlight as otherwise a Carer can enable a sufferer. I'm always nice to Anthony but I'm tough in relation to letting him getting away with milking PTSD as an excuse for anything. I do know when he is genuinely sick but still I hold him accountable for his actions. Generally the only time Anthony now gets ill is when there are external triggers as he manages his PTSD so well. Actually the other day I said to him he was 100% better than when I first met him. Of course he asked why and to that I replied..."because you tell me what is going on so I don't have to guess and get it wrong"! I believe that by him verbalising his feelings or struggles it actually helps him acknowledge them quicker than when he used to internalise it.

 

[TLight]

Hum, verbalizing when I'm struggling to someone who cares for me and doesn't judge me.........that seems like it would be really healing.

I think I will do that with my friend Chris. We are going on a trip together to visit her family for Thxsgiving.......I know I will struggle since just being around people triggers me, especially when they are talking about growing up, etc. I think this is good advice Nicolette.......I will just verbalize to her when it's happening i.e. "I feel like i'm spinning off the planet now." I will tell her not to have to necessarily do anything about it.........but just telling someone and having that accepted........I can see how incredably healing that would be..........as long as they don't judge you.

 

[Nicolette]

but just telling someone and having that accepted........I can see how incredably healing that would be..........as long as they don't judge you.

Yes TLight....I think it is something you are wanting now in your life with all your questions about relationships. You have an illness and you know how terrible it is and I am sure some sufferers think why would anyone want me? Well, the truth is you are still a person. The illness is something that you live with but you need to ensure it does not define you and stop you having a life. Once you accept you can trust someone other than yourself and they don't judge you, then you may find things change even quicker. Just remember to dip your toes in and don't just jump. If it doesn't work out its because the person is not the right one for you....not that there is something wrong with you.

 

[missy8888]

I will say that if one chooses to be a carer (and it is a choice), then it's so important to have your eyes open. I think a carer would have to have an excellent support network which could include counselling (as it does for me). Of course you would want support from your partner, I mean that's what a partnership is right? I am learning that when my partner shuts me out, I need to look inwards because I can only control what is going on within myself in this moment. I can choose to feel hurt and neglected (and it happens because I'm human), and or mI can choose to remember that my partner is a wonderful supportivean when he is able, I just can't plan when that's going to happen...(wish I could)! "Through good times and in bad" so they say, I am learning to just take it one day at a time.....sometimes 1 hour at a time. The thing to remember for me, is that he has been there for me, and will be again.

Awe, your post really made my day. That is such a positive way of trying to look at things. Good luck to you.

 

[patientsuccess]

I'm a husband of someone with PTSD - her PTSD kicked in a couple years after we were married when her Mom died and memories started coming back from childhood. We do struggle with inability to have a healthy relationship. When I am personnally struggling, as happened recently when my jog situation was in limbo for almost 2 months, she has been able to provide some support, but still needed me to provide the same level of understanding and support to her as before.

I have found just having a group of men at church whom I can express general needs (no specifics generally) and receive prayers and encouragement from, has been a big help to me. Might be some other context for others, but knowing other men care about me helps tremendously. I did not have this for the first 12 years of our struggle, but for the last couple of years it has helped me to continue to hang on. Before that it was just my belief in my purpose in life and that some good would come from our life together.

Everyone's different. This is what has been working for me. Hope it helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome patient, :hello:

Every good resource helps.
There is much info in the Carers' Section.

Peace and best wishes to you, you sound like a wonderful husband and you bring up a very good point: "..(she) still nedded me to provide the same level of understanding and support". How very difficult that is!

Hope you will find much understanding and support for yourself here. :smile:

 

[eyesopen]

Thanks

This thread is very useful. This idea that he is just not available to me for support is one that I am struggling with a great deal right now. I am fairly emotionally strong, but everything that has been happening lately has really sapped a lot of that strength and I sometimes find myself sliding into self-pity or resentment. Why do I always have to be strong and keep things together while he falls apart? It is good to know, at least, that that pulling back and unavailability is not a reflection on me or how much he cares for me, but rather of the illness. It helps to take it less personally.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi eyesopen

I don't recall welcoming you to the forum....so welcome :smile:.

I have been where you are at and while all manner of logic tells you the way things are it does not change the feeling deep inside of you. Nor does it help you satisfy your needs.

What I personally learned, was the more I took things less personally, situations which previously ended up as issues did no longer as I just chose not to invest myself in them, which in-turn helped Anthony just deal with the PTSD issue rather than me as well, which then in-turn meant he got better sooner, which then meant he was around "normally" more often and his capacity to support me increased. Does that make sense? I had to stop feeling that he was responsible for supporting me and then I "demanded" less which actually then made me feel less resentful and Anthony got better sooner as I was not adding to his stress at the time....which resulted in him being more supportive than what he was previously. It was a real win win in the end. I do acknowledge that it is not always possible to do as I said as things which occur in life can often be untimely however, it works for most of the time.

 

[Cindy]

Nic how TRUE this is!

"Well, the truth is you are still a person. The illness is something that you live with but you need to ensure it does not define you and stop you having a life. Once you accept you can trust someone other than yourself and they don't judge you. Just remember to dip your toes in and don't just jump. If it doesn't work out its because the person is not the right one for you....not that there is something wrong with you."

This is right on the money! And the last sentance needs to be engraved on my forehead!

As a sufferer I can only read these posts in awe for the carers that deal with our external responses and moods. It takes a magician to read people as you all are trying to train yourselfs to be. I commend your efforts and admire your strength to endure with us the good and the bad.

Cindy