Partially Unconscious During Rape. So Confused!

[purgemeofthepain]

I have a couple questions for you all that you might be able to help me with.

I was unconscious for most of the terrible ordeal that being raped was. I was passed out drunk and although I have plenty of sort of clear recollections of what went on, a lot of important aspects and details about it (about 90% of it actually) remain in my subconscious eating away at me and causing all kinds of damage to me in the emotional and psychological sense, yet I can recall them well enough to piece together the attack. (I say they are important details because I can still feel the pull of my body towards different motions and patterns that seem to be engrained into my bodys memory from the experience).

I woke up enough from the haze to realize what was happening and try to defend myself but it's all very blurry. I recall a huge sense of pain and terror. I know he was restraining me and hitting me. But it seems I have this HUGE need to finally find out and remember EXACTLY what happened more clearly. Specially because this experience has left me so confused (even if it happened more than 12 years ago) about my sexual preference and even gender orientation.

You see, I can't be sure at all, buf I have this vague notion that I might have LIKED what he did to me after a while. I don't know if I was FORCED by him to pretend I liked it, or if I did it out of pure fear for my life, or if I honestly did like it. This has got me thinking that I might be gay after all, or at least bisexual.

Sometimes the thought of being gay seems "honest" but as I mentioned in my "black or white, all or nothing" behavior thread, I go from one extreme to the other rather quickly, sometimes within minutes. So yeah, its all very confusing as you can tell.

On to the question tho: should I do something to try and remember everything once and for all? If so, what methods could I use to achieve that? Hypnosis therapy? Self hypnosis? I've heard it can help. And also: Do you think I should just let it go and chalk it up as "yeah, I was attacked but it doesn't really matter exactly what happened, as long as I heal from it"? Would it be "asking for trouble" to get in touch with those memories?

I don't think I can properly heal until I remember it all. What do you all think?

 

[RussH]

Have you considered hypnosis? It might be something that will help you remember.
I would not question your orientation based on this one experience. You were, as you said, drunk and their are most likely a whole host of emotions all rolled up in this experience, that I personally would not use it as a measuring stick for anything regarding who you are.

 

[Springer80]

It is a difficult thing to consider but the fact is, that the body can experience sexual arousal independently of whether you want it to or not. That doesn't mean that you liked it, or condone it or wanted it. I was 12 when my father started abusing me, I had no experience of sexual arousal and it was incredibly hard to understand that whilst I was terrified, horrified and totally repulsed and frozen with fear I also experienced arousal. It sickened me for along time, to have such polarising feeling from my mind and emotions being against my body.

As for sexual orientation and gender confusion, it is pretty normal to feel so scared and confused and betrayed by your body that you want to move to something that is safer. Fancying women all of sudden because they are not men, they don't pose any threat of rape and therefore are safer is totally understandable. Intimacy should come from safety, sexual expression should flow out of respect.

 

[Candleflames]

I can identify with much of the suffering you describe. I too remember very little of my rape as I was drugged. For years I tried to recall what exactly happened. What I found helped the most was to simply talk about what I do remember. When I got that out in the open my mind could start to fill in some of the gaps. I still don't remember most of what happened, and because of the intoxication I never will, but I know it did actually happen. I've learned to let that be good enough. Have you been able to talk about what you do remember to a therapist or in a trauma journal?

You didn't specifically ask but wrote about distress with possibly having enjoyed parts of the rape and I want to assure you that is not the case. The body reacts to sexual stimulation whether you want it to or not and can even orgasm. I struggled with this for a very long time, too. I thought there was something terrible and sick about me because my body reacted as if I was enjoying myself. If it hadn't I could have endured even greater damage. This has nothing to do with either of our sexual identities. It's just how bodies work.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have the belief that one can not fully recover every detail of trauma. I was drugged and kidnapped while I was traveling in London. The only fact I can remember is that I sort of came to, realized that I was in serious danger. At a stop light I was able to flee. I don't remember any interaction of this guy before the instance. I think I was at a pub but even that is questionable.

I don't feel curious to try to recover the whole story. All I know is that I hate to be stuck in traffic now

 

[Friday]

Even the straightest man on the planet, if his prostate is "milked" (pressed on in a certain way) will orgasm. Women are a little trickier, but even then, regardless of what you actually think/feel about the situation or person involved... Your body can respond, even to the point of orgasm without any say so from you. Especially if your brain is in any way disengaged (drunk, drugged, asleep, unconscious, undeveloped -like a child prepubertal, or damaged), because then what you think & feel about it doesn't enter into the equation. It's pure nervous system response to stimuli. That's just science.

___

Most of the sex & sexuality research I've read indicates that sexual preference appears to be a bit of a double bell curve. With most people being bisexual to some degree, but that few people are relatively "equally" bisexual. Instead, most people run at about 80/20 or 90/10. Very very few people appear to be "actually" homosexual or heterosexual. Even though most people tend to identify one way or the other. So you've got the double bell with the fewest people being 100%, most people grouped at one end or the other, and then a statistic minority (about the same as 100%) in the 40-60 middle range. Makes it look like a wonky M.

It's also why you have a lot of people banging on about choice. "Sure, dude, we get it. You chose to go out with women, even though you're attracted to men. Not everyone is bisexual."
( :D Gotten me into some fun fights here and there).

<grin> Then there are some very quirky outliers! One of my professors is in the field and two of her friends she uses for show & tell. One is a lesbian, the other is not. They've been together for decades. The partner who is not, isn't even on the bisexual range. She is in no way whatsoever attracted to women. But she fell in love with her wife and is (very demonstrably) attracted to her. ((Female arousal isn't as easy to track as men's, but there are very definite physical reactions. Pupillary, blood flow, secretions, etc.)) Lab testing proved exactly as she said; she's very attracted to men, not at all attracted to women, and very attracted to her wife.

Point being: Sexuality and sexual identity tends to be a very fluid creature.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Have you considered hypnosis? It might be something that will help you remember.

Yeah, I've heard hypnosis can "unearth" hidden memories from your past and I wonder if I should try it. Do you have any experience with it? Anyone else here tried it? I'd be curious to know more but don't think it merits me making a whole new thread. I'll definitely read up more about it online and search the forum. Thanks for the suggestion @RussH .

the body can experience sexual arousal independently of whether you want it to or not. That doesn't mean that you liked it, or condone it or wanted it

This gave me a sense of relief because as much as I knew that some women (hadn't read/heard about men) experience orgasms when they are raped, I couldn't give myself the same consideration or put myself in their shoes, since it can be and probably IS a bit different for men, but thanks for helping me realize this @Springer80 .

Fancying women all of sudden because they are not men, they don't pose any threat of rape and therefore are safer is totally understandable.

I've liked women from the time I was very young, but I've been wondering if it's a lie or just a matter of them being safer than men. Almost ALL of the abuse and violence I've suffered in my life has been at the hands of men. I am TERRIFIED of them. And being one is something that I seem to resent. Not to the level of wanting to get a sex change or considering myself trans, but yeah, I wish us men weren't so damn threatening and prone to violence. I hate that, because I see the same things in myself.

I still don't remember most of what happened, and because of the intoxication I never will, but I know it did actually happen. I've learned to let that be good enough. Have you been able to talk about what you do remember to a therapist or in a trauma journal?

I think I also need to accept that I won't ever remember the full event, no matter what I do. I have talked about this with my family (parents, sisters) and with two different good friends. But as you all may know, it's not something that comes up often and as much as I feel the need to talk about my PTSD, my issues, this event, what makes me who I am, etc with them, I can't do that any more than I already do, cause I risk making them sick from overloading their brains with these things.

I wish I had a therapist I could go to. I might start CBT therapy soon, but can't really be sure when, it all depends on my paranoia and fear of going out. A trauma journal seems like a great idea tho and I will definitely start one here soon.

Point being: Sexuality and sexual identity tends to be a very fluid creature.

This again is one of the many things I KNOW with my brain and my mind but can't seem to apply to myself, only to others. I had heard that most people are bisexual to a certain degree, but still. I never give myself the benefit of fair and balanced consideration/judgement or whatever you wanna call it.

My extremist nature also drives me to think I'm either FULL on, 100% gay, or the other end of the spectrum. There's no in between with me. I'm scared cause now, even my breathing is following this pattern at night. I even breathe well and deeply, or not at all. I end up gasping for air cause my body seems to shut down and "forget" to breathe! I'm afraid of nightfall these days again. But yeah, that's a whole different story.

Thanks everyone for the great replies and I'm sorry you all have had to go through all this crap in your lives.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop me if I'm wrong, but I thought hypnosis wasn't particularly recommended for PTSD? I could've sworn there were threads to this effect, but I could be wrong. I have never tried it personally, so I can't say one way or another.

There are a few threads on sexual identity as related to past trauma. Reading through them may help you. I know I have struggled in this regard, and its something that only other sufferers going through similar struggles will understand. That is, I don't recommend talking to someone just in the gay/homosexual/lesbian population in general, as you may get a few hateful "we're born this way, you can't be turned gay" sorts of comments. But yeah, trauma can and does cause sexual confusion.....influence?

 

[Go Hungry]

Purge... Do you snore a lot? Because what you describe as happens when you snooze is Sleep Apnea, which is a serious medical condition in itself. Not related to trauma at all, but definitely something worth seeing the doctor about. I know I felt a hell of a lot better once I was getting it treated properly.

And I'd just like to chime in that my sexual identity was completely wrecked by one of my abusers too. I'm still trying to put it back together. You're not alone man...

 

[Springer80]

That is, I don't recommend talking to someone just in the gay/homosexual/lesbian population in general, as you may get a few hateful "we're born this way, you can't be turned gay" sorts of comments. But yeah, trauma can and does cause sexual confusion.....influence?

Interestingly, there is a new study out regarding this in the UK (I have a link somewhere if anyone is interested), I haven't read it but have seen some discursive comments from professionals and unfortunately there are very few leading members of the LGBT community that want to enter into open conversation about it.

 

[Springer80]

I thought hypnosis wasn't particularly recommended for PTSD?

Me too. Don't get me wrong I've wondered about it sometimes when I've felt desperate for a quick fix, but I've never pursued and the thought of actually doing it frightens me.

I am a big believer in the mind only lets out enough for you to cope with at it's own pace. Trying to circumvent that is like trying to decompress at too faster rate. I would be very scared that it would tip me over some kind of edge that would damage me seriously i.e. psychosis/hospitalisation.

If it was ever going to be an option I would have had to find someone so ridiculously qualified and experienced they would probably be so high up in the field I wouldn't be able to finance it anyway.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

I never thought of it that way @Springer80, maybe I'll remember more in due time. I DO get pretty freaked out when, through exercise that grounds me, I come closer to feeling my body better, which results in feeling the trauma more clearly. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to remember it all fully yet. Thanks!