Talking about/ partially talking about/ refusing to talk about trauma in romantic relationships

[Ecdysis]

I'm struggling with this question at the moment: Is it okay to refuse to talk about much of my trauma, in romantic relationships?

So, I'm 48 now and my stance on this has shifted over the years... When I was very young, pre-trauma-therapy, I didn't talk about my trauma at all in romantic relationships... Basically because I didn't talk to anyone about it, not even to myself internally.

Then, after I started trauma therapy, I was in a long relationship that lasted 15 years. This partner went through thick and thin with me, had childhood trauma of his own and we talked about ALL of our respective childhood traumas and all the effects, openly.

Then, in my late 30s, I got into a relationship with a partner who I shared the basic outline of my childhood trauma with, he shared the basic outline of his childhood trauma with me. We also shared much of the emotional impact it had on us. This partner was quite insecure and sort of controlling (which is why we ended up breaking up) and halfway through the relationship, he started pressuring me to tell him "everything" about my trauma. I felt really uncomfortable about that, for a variety of reasons. One was that I felt I'd worked through so much of my trauma in trauma therapy, precisely so I wouldn't have to talk about it so much anymore. Another reason was because it didn't feel right sharing this stuff with this partner... Somehow, there was a vibe where it didn't feel right to me. And also, I wanted this relationship to be about other things. But he kept on insisting, which ended up leading to a fight. He felt like I was "holding stuff back from him" (which, yeah, I literally was) but it felt inappropriate and controlling to me, for him to insist on being told all the details of my trauma. He ended up being really jealous of my ex partner who in his eyes had "been allowed to go through all of trauma therapy with me"... I remember being so stunned about this, because I think my ex didn't really experience going through trauma therapy with me as a "privilege" so much as a burden, really... Anyway, in the fight we had, I did end up telling him some details of the trauma because I felt so exhausted by his pressuring of "If you don't tell me, it's proof that you don't love me" but I really, really resented being put in that position and that whole episode ended up being the "beginning of the end" of that relationship.

I've often wondered about this since then... Because these days, I don't want to discuss "all" of the trauma or "all" of the effects it's had on me and my life, anymore. I'm willing to say a few things, so that my partner has a fair idea of what the issues are. I don't want my partner to feel like they're in the dark or like it's some crappy mystery, or something. I'm also willing to share how it impacts me emotionally and am defnitely willing to address and work on any and all ways it may impact the relationship.

But apart from that, my trauma and its impacts feel really "private" to me, these days.

At the same time, because it's such a huge part of my past and the impacts on my life are also pretty major, I feel like if I don't talk about large chunks of it, then it's like I'm lieing? Lieing by omission?

I've been in two relationships since that weird relationship with the pressuring to talk about the trauma... One, with a partner who also had major trauma (worse than mine) and we talked about a lot of it openly, but also both felt absolutely no need to know all the details. It felt natural to share what seemed important or relevant and to just leave the rest be.

The other relationship, also with someone with some childhood trauma... I shared a basic outline of my trauma, he shared a basic outline of his, and that's as far as we got with that. I was okay with that but I'm not sure my partner was. I think he felt like I was not being fully honest/ fully open. At the time, I felt deeply conflicted about this. Because on the one hand, I thought yes, that's true. There's a whole lot of trauma details and trauma effects/ impacts, that I'm literally not talking about. It does feel dishonest in a way. However, at the time, I couldn't put into words that "All the stuff I'm not sharing is trauma-related". i wasn't not-sharing random stuff... I was just refusing to talk about a lot of trauma-related stuff...

Now that I've worked out that's what it is - I'm refusing to talk about trauma-related stuff in detail - it feel a bit less like I'm lieing and a bit more like a reasonable stance to say that I'm willing to give an outline of my trauma and I'm willing to share some relevant details and i'm willing to work on any impacts it has on the relationship... but beyond that, it's off limits, as far as I'm concerned.

What and how much I share also depends on the other person... If I can tell that they're good at dealing with certain issues/ are non-judgemental about certain trauma-related things, then I'm fine with sharing them. For example, if a partner says "I have panic attacks sometimes" then I'm okay saying "Yeah, me too" and talking about it openly. If it's someone who I know doesn't really "get" that topic, I won't talk about it much... I might just mention it briefly, if it happens...

But I don't know if that's okay...?

Maybe I am just lieing by omission? Maybe if I was more courageous and honest I'd share it all? Or at least most of it? Maybe I'm a coward?

I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it.

If it were just a few, small details, I think it's wouldn't be an issue.

But it's a lot of trauma-related stuff. Which makes it feel like a problem.

 

[Roland]

I think it depends on the relationship how much is shared, when, how, etc, but generally speakin or nothing is both unhealthy (extremes).

I told my husband slowly as we were dating, he needed to know since it affects my life drastically. But to this day, my husband doesn't know a blow by blow because he doesn't want to know and I'm fine with that. He knows what he needs to know, I share when things come up in the present day that's tied to the past.

Where like if you have a partner more willing to discuss trauma you can talk about more but it's not safe or healthy to be pressured into saying everything that ever happened.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

This is a great topic. When I was practicing law my policy was to just let the person say as much or little about it. I did not ask questions unless I was preparing a restraining order and then it was just about the basics. I have such an aversion to violence that it is hard for me to hear about violence.

In my own marriage early in our relationship my wife said something happened with a neighbor when she was a little girl. She also mentioned being abducted by several guys when she was a student at University of Chicago. I never asked for any details but it sounds really bad. In the 30 years we were together she had reoccurring nightmares. I would wake up and she would be in the fetal position murmuring like a terrified little girl. I would reach over and gently touch her shoulder and say “Betsy, you are having a bad dream”. She would bolt upright and say everything was fine and then go back to sleep. It was always the same. I never asked what the dreams were about and she never offered any explanation other than saying they were nothing.

Now I am the opposite. I feel like I have to be completely honest and vulnerable about what is going on inside me and all the childhood stuff. I tell her everything, even the ideation.

So I think everyone is different and every situation is different. For me, right now, I think it is important to be a completely open book with all who are close to me.

 

[Movingforward10]

With E for 20 years. I thought I told her at the beginning. But she never heard it and I said one vague sentence and never spoke about it again for another nearly 15 years. It wasn't lieing. It was that I just wasn't ready.

And then as I worked through it I told her more.

I don't think you need to look at it as lieing by omission. But sharing what you want and when you want. I kind of think that if you are ready to share and the other person is ready to hear, then it comes out the way it was meant to?

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @ all

Yeah, I feel so conflicted about it... There's a whole bunch of stuff I'm willing and able to say, but there's sooooooooooo much more that I don't want to talk about.

I think probably, most of us find that *at some point in our lives* and *with someone* we feel an innate need to share our stories that make us who we are.

I had that in the 15 year long relationship that I was in while I was doing trauma therapy.

If I hadn't had that, I think I'd probably carry that innate need in me still and would probably be seeking a partner that I could talk about it "all" with (not necessarily all details, but all the major things that are important).

But I feel like I've been on that journey, I've done that... And I don't think I can do it "over again" with a new partner, just because it might now be their time to deal with the issues around "what happened in childhood" (for them) and thereby wish me to talk about it in detail too.

Maybe I'll have to talk to my T about this... Work out how I can say at least a BIT more, maybe?

I've just got this really strong urge deep inside that "NO... I am not talking about all of this trauma stuff yet again..."

Like I said, an outline feels fine, anything relevant or anything impacting the relationship feels fine, but everything else does not.

But I know this includes stuff that others would likely find unacceptable to not be sharing... And it makes me feel like I'm lieing by omission... Ugh...

 

[Roland]

Thanks @ all

Yeah, I feel so conflicted about it... There's a whole bunch of stuff I'm willing and able to say, but there's sooooooooooo much more that I don't want to talk about.

I think probably, most of us find that *at some point in our lives* and *with someone* we feel an innate need to share our stories that make us who we are.

I had that in the 15 year long relationship that I was in while I was doing trauma therapy.

If I hadn't had that, I think I'd probably carry that innate need in me still and would probably be seeking a partner that I could talk about it "all" with (not necessarily all details, but all the major things that are important).

But I feel like I've been on that journey, I've done that... And I don't think I can do it "over again" with a new partner, just because it might now be their time to deal with the issues around "what happened in childhood" (for them) and thereby wish me to talk about it in detail too.

Maybe I'll have to talk to my T about this... Work out how I can say at least a BIT more, maybe?

I've just got this really strong urge deep inside that "NO... I am not talking about all of this trauma stuff yet again..."

Like I said, an outline feels fine, anything relevant or anything impacting the relationship feels fine, but everything else does not.

But I know this includes stuff that others would likely find unacceptable to not be sharing... And it makes me feel like I'm lieing by omission... Ugh...

I don't think it's lying. You share what you're comfortable with and when, an outline not the details. Even someone that doesn't like hearing about trauma, should be okay with an outline if they love and care about you (I think anyways). But not as a first date you know this is a more serious conversation for a more serious relationship. As the relationship deepens so is your sharing amount/level/comfort. There's a huge difference between going into more detail as it comes up over time, and as is relevant in the relationship, or when it's on your mind, vs. okay I'm going to just purge everything blow by blow birth to present of all my trauma. I think supporters can understand that.

 

[anthony]

Is it okay to refuse to talk about much of my trauma, in romantic relationships?

Yup. A partner doesn't need to know the ins and outs of your past, just the bare basics they need to know / you want them to know, otherwise, its from meeting onwards.

 

[Jade-]

When I was married to my ex he ended up using my traumas/abuse against me and I regretted sharing everything with him.

In thie relationship I am in m now I have been sharing what I I feel is necessary. Like, hey I have a hard time with kissing because to this day I can still taste my dads tongue in my mouth. And many other examples I would rather not say right now. I share because I feel he deserves to know why I act/react the way I do at times.

There's been times he's asked questions, like once asking if I had been sexually abused by my dad. I didn't feel the need to really answer or offer any details. I mean, saying I can still tatse my dads tongue makes it pretty obvious anyway.

After what my ex did, using my crap against me, I don't llike sharing details with anyone anymore.

 

[Rose White]

I don’t want to share details with my new partner. I shared that I’m no contact because my dad wasn’t a good person. I also shared that he was way too aggressive with his corporal punishment. Idk if I will share about the csa.

In my case I have recovered enough that I have resolved sexual triggers and am able to place boundaries well enough and getting better at it. My partner is so far from reminding me of my dad it’s like they’re from different planets.

 

[arfie]

i reserve the right to decide as i go and feel no obligation whatsoever to explain myself. this goes for my best beloved sis, my husband of 45 years and whatever other person wanders through my life.

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

But I don't know if that's okay...?

Maybe I am just lieing by omission? Maybe if I was more courageous and honest I'd share it all? Or at least most of it? Maybe I'm a coward?

I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it.

I reckon it's you who calls the shots in any given situation because it's your trauma. If you're not feeling up to telling someone, listen to your gut. Your partner is not your therapist and also not trained with the skills to navigate this stuff in a productive way.

I also had an internal struggle as this and asked my therapist about it. Together we decided that it might not be appropriate to go into too much detail about my trauma with my husband because he doesn't have the same thinking as me regarding these things (basically hasn't processed his own childhood trauma and doesn't see any issues with his childhood).

There's also a thing called vicarious trauma where someone can become traumatised by someone else's traumatic experience. I've also experienced this - it's horrible. When I was a very young adult I googled abuse to try to make sense of what was happening to me (after my brother disclosed being assaulted by our step father) and I read too deeply into other people's stories. I thought that because those scenarios of hurting someone kept popping into my thoughts that it somehow made me a potential abuser. My psychiatrist at the time reassured me that I didn't have the intent and that was clear to him because my fear of hurting others was so intense. When I had a baby, some of this stuff resurfaced and when I tried to talk to my husband about it he also reacted, and asked me if I was going to hurt our son. This was deeply mortifying, hurtful and disappointing to that he didn't have the emotional maturity to really listen to my experience and jumped to conclusions.

I think any disclosure about your story has to be with someone you feel safe with and at your own pace. You're not a coward, you're a strong and resilient person with healthy boundaries who is capable of making decisions for yourself that are right for you in any given moment. If it's your trauma, you call the shots.