During MDMA Therapy Session I Remembered I Was Raped. So Confused. Anyone Else?

[YourGuy]

So Im somewhat of a wierd case, I had PTSD symptoms starting on my early twenties. Its very argueable if there were signs before, looking back I can say there were signs but I remeber feeling normal overall.

The thing is it started all of a sudden, not in a very clear or explainable way which left me very confused, and for a really long time I just thought it was a combination of drugs i used to do with anxiety enducing enviroment and, well, just way things roll, IDK.

Later on (talking four years later) when I was absoloutley desperate I decided to go on an MDMA therapy session and got to remeber I was raped by a family member when I was a little kid (dont know what age, dont even know what happened, it just came to me as a topic - "you were raped by this person, thats what happened".

Now that's so confusing, cause that just doesn't make any freaking sense, and it breaks me to think that way. This person ia very close to me and we still interact very frequently, and there is absoloutly no sign, emotional or physical ,that anything like that have happened between us ever, I still feel like I like him and see him as a good person as I kinda always did, and I have never felt unsafe around him.

Now all this confusion makes me feel like I have made it all up. I keep blaming myself for maybe just losing the abillity to comprehend life or maybe just becoming so anxious throutgh time that I just went lost, so lost my mind just made something up out of confusion and desperatedness.
Now even if it did happened, I dont understand the connection between this and what I experience in the present.

I dont understand why Im so confused all the time, being in my room going down a hole than going to the living room felling fine all of a sudden. Every tiny thing confuses me, and I literaly cant move on with my life or make any decision without getting burnedout by overthinks till the last breath of my last braincell. And I just blame myself for being weak cause I cant do things and handle life like other people does. I litteraly dont get it, and how those symptoms are connected to the trauma Ive been through. Like, I dont have any exact memories, I dont even feel like I have any real hard feelings to talk about or anything meaningful to say that would make me at least vent little bit. I just go around confused and hardly disfunctional, and than functioning fine and than going back to disfunctioning and it always feel like its my fault and I just cant relax and control my life and my brain properly.

Im saying this still not knowing what is the truth, maybe I really am just overpanicking most of the time, but, IDK, I just found this place and wanted to share and see if anyone else feels the same, if thats maybe normal or maybe other people also experince this kind of stuff.

Thanks for anyone reading that far, wish you all well.

 

[Rose White]

Are you still going to the therapist that gave you mdma? Seems like you would process it with them.

 

[Friday]

MDMA is essentially chemical “trust”, which leaves people incredibly suggestible. Meaning if the only thing I had was…

it just came to me as a topic - "you were raped by this person, thats what happened".

I would take it with a margarita’s worth of salt.

You can tell someone who is rolling that their dog died, and for them? Their dog died. Coded as a very real memory, complete with the emotions attached, and even bringing their dog to them? High or sober? Actual, tangible proof? Won’t shake the “reality” that their dog died. Cognitive dissonance, and all, the brain just sort of holds both things as equally true. Sort of like the way dreams work.

Does that mean you were not raped as a child? Nope. You may have been. You may not have been. No way for anyone not there to know.

It just means I’d be very leery of accepting anything that came to me out of the blue, whilst on MDMA; as opposed to something I was very aware of & “just” couldn’t talk about, stand to think about, block out, and avoid even when I’m trying not to.

MDMA is a fantastic tool for breaking down walls. Unfortunately? That also means that natural defenses / critical thinking / etc. also come tumbling down. So in the wrong hands? Just by asking leading questions you can convince someone that the sun will rise in the west, and if you tell them it will rise in the west? Not only will they believe you, like a young child believes what they are told; but it will seem very very strange to see it rise in the east. For a very long time.

 

[Bamma]

YourGuy,

There is a major dichotomy among memory experts. Some believe the (popular to lay persons and many therapists) idea that people really do repress and can later recover traumatic memories; but many memory experts do not believe this is possible, or that it happens rarely. (This is why DID, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, is such a controversial diagnosis.)

One thing experts agree on is that attempts to help people recover repressed memories can lead to "false memories". Much harm has been done when false memories have been created. For example:

1) Criminal justice systems used to use hypnosis to help witnesses recover details of crimes that they had supposedly forgotten. It is now widely accepted that, due to false memory recovery, this was a really bad idea. (People are also particularly suggestible under hypnosis.)

2) There used to be a LOT of notoriety involved in therapists uncovering cases of DID (think of the famous books and movies). I don't think anyone contests that some overzealous therapists have "created" DID in (sometimes many) patients via suggestibility.

3) If yours was a false memory, then I am very very sorry that this has happened to you. If yours is false, then you know too well the damage that can sometimes occur when trying to retrieve repressed memories.

(Edit to add that the person above me posted while I was writing my response, so I hadn't seen theirs.)

 

[YourGuy]

MDMA is essentially chemical “trust”, which leaves people incredibly suggestible. Meaning if the only thing I had was…

I would take it with a margarita’s worth of salt.

You can tell someone who is rolling that their dog died, and for them? Their dog died. Coded as a very real memory, complete with the emotions attached, and even bringing their dog to them? High or sober? Actual, tangible proof? Won’t shake the “reality” that their dog died. Cognitive dissonance, and all, the brain just sort of holds both things as equally true. Sort of like the way dreams work.

Does that mean you were not raped as a child? Nope. You may have been. You may not have been. No way for anyone not there to know.

It just means I’d be very leery of accepting anything that came to me out of the blue, whilst on MDMA; as opposed to something I was very aware of & “just” couldn’t talk about, stand to think about, block out, and avoid even when I’m trying not to.

MDMA is a fantastic tool for breaking down walls. Unfortunately? That also means that natural defenses / critical thinking / etc. also come tumbling down. So in the wrong hands? Just by asking leading questions you can convince someone that the sun will rise in the west, and if you tell them it will rise in the west? Not only will they believe you, like a young child believes what they are told; but it will seem very very strange to see it rise in the east. For a very long time.

Hey, thank you for replying.
The thing is no one told me anything about it before. Actualy I would have never auggest anything like it myself and never mentioned anything remotely simillar to this in front of my therapist.
Also it didnt litelary came up as an empty topic. It came with very strong feelings of something tragic that happened and was a part of me but I chose to repress (maybe I should have wrote it in the original text lol, I was tired)
Anyway it still doesnt change the thing that I should take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Weemie]

people really do repress and can later recover traumatic memories; but many memory experts do not believe this is possible, or that it happens rarely. (This is why DID, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, is such a controversial diagnosis.)

I do feel the need to qualify this statement. There is significant controversy around "memory repression," not "memory recovery." The difference is that in a case of traumatic amnesia, clinicians are divided on whether or not it's possible to repress memories which are later revealed through intensive means such as therapy, dreams/nightmares, or substance use.

But, spontaneous memory recovery is normal. Humans simply don't remember, all the time, everything. We de-classify lots of memories in order to make room for new memories. That doesn't mean the original memory is repressed, it just means that it's not in your "active data." For example: I have some traumatic amnesia - I remember parts of my trauma, but not all of it. I have always had these memories.

Sometimes I have totally forgotten something, but then I'll "remember to remember it," and get information like names, places, etc. It's data that I remember learning at the time I learned it, and usually it's linear. If you've ever returned to a childhood playground and suddenly remembered your best friend from kindergarten that you hadn't thought about for years, and essentially "forgot," that's a normal memory recovery.

All of that is a normal part of memory processing that isn't very contested. The controversy around memory repression is particularly endemic to iatrogenic induction. That is, memories which are revealed through the course of some type of therapeutic treatment.

 

[YourGuy]

Are you still going to the therapist that gave you mdma? Seems like you would process it with them.

Yes, we worked through it but its still very confusing, some things suggest it really did happen, and other things dont.
I Also consider doing another session but that's very scarying me. Not because im afraid of dealing with the trauma but because im afraid of getting deeper into something that is not real.