Fading Into A Low

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know this cycle. Resist memory-memory comes- get irritable- lose hope. I hate it. I feel so alone and I feel like all I ever do is complain. I can't appreciate anything. When I am with people, I want to be alone. When I am alone, I want to be with people. I want to be positive and just go out and live life. But then again crawling up in bed and hiding sounds good, too.

Right now the low side is winning. I don't want to go low because I scare myself then. I know it's all part of the process, but it doesn't make it easier. I know to tell myself that "this too will pass" and "it won't last forever". It doesn't help lessen the sadness, hurt, and loneliness.

It's been two months since my last really low period so I guess that is good. Each low seems scarier than the last though so then I get even more scared. Probably the fear makes it worse.

The memory I have been uncovering is about childhood sexual abuse. I know it's real, but I don't know how to integrate that into a reality for me. I keep struggling with the same feelings of not being able to breathe that I have for weeks. I have had more frequent flashbacks- some I remember after and some I don't. I feel like I am always on high-anxiety mode. I also can't seem to sleep. Even when I do the world around me is not letting me.

I am sorry for the complaints. I just need to share how I am feeling on here because no one will know otherwise.

 

[Dana1010]

The memory I have been uncovering is about childhood sexual abuse. I know it's real, but I don't know how to integrate that into a reality for me.

I say stop trying to integrate it - that sounds like a neocortex activity, i.e., over thinking it. Why not find a quiet space to just experience the memory in its fullness, don't tamper with it, just notice the sensations, especially bodily sensations, and allow it to discharge?

Caveat: Poster not a therapist.

 

[mrsps]

You are not alone with your struggles! I have found that since going back to therapy (after a 6 year gap) I find myself getting low as bringing up all these issues from the past and going through them brings up sadness and feelings that I struggle to deal with. I live one day at a time and count down the days till my next appointment with my T. Its like she is the only person that I can really talk to that understands.
I spend a lot of time alone and wish I could get out more. But then I don't like going out to social events because I feel like everyone is judging me!
Im glad you are able to share your troubles on here :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

A couple questions....are you in therapy with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse? That is important, because it changes who we 'would have been'. Are you on medications for depression, and/or anxiety? If not, I believe they are necessary as you recover the memories. They are probably coming up, unasked for, and certainly not desired! We would rather keep them hidden, even from ourselves.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! There are THOUSANDS, and I believe that is a VERY LOW number than truly exists!

It is HARD WORK, but you CAN reclaim WHO you are, WHO you are meant to be, and LIVE in peace!!!

Blessings sent you way!!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Dana1010 - What I mean by integrating it is kind of that acknowledgement that it is a part of who I am. I know it's real, but it still doesn't feel real. The feelings feel real, but the truth doesn't seem real. Does that make sense?

@Confused Wingless - I am in therapy with a therapist who specializes in trauma (including childhood sexual abuse) and DID. I am not on any medications. The first time my therapist suggested the idea of medications I went into a severe panic attack. We've attempted to talk about it since, but I can't. Basically I have this believe that medication means I will die. Rational thinking? Probably not, but I have to trust myself on this one for now. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.

@mrsps - Thanks for taking the time to share and respond!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((JEK))) I respect your response! Has your therapist given you some 'grounding' techniques? Also, if you have panic attacks, there are some things to avoid that can 'set you up' for an attack. Maybe this will help.
The word 'HALT'...as a an acronym (I think that's the word). H = Hungry, A=Angry, L-Lonely, T=Tired.

Any of these things can put you in a state where a panic attack can occur. When I have mine, at least ONE of these things is going on.

PLEASE DON'T LOSE HOPE!!! I have struggled all my life with depression, anxiety, childhood sexual abuse, 4 marriages, the birth of a severely brain-damaged child, her 11 year life, full of ups and downs, and a traumatic death.

The human spirit can survive SO much, as long as we don't give up! I am 57 and have been in and out of therapy since my early 20's. It is WORTH every tear, every fear, and ALL emotional and spiritual 'weapons' you can find!!!

My life motto has become: "Never give up, and never give in!" You CAN overcome, if you stay in the fight!!!

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve First, don't worry about complaining; it's one of the good things about this forum, it gives you a place to vent your frustrations, and it has people that actually understand. So complain away.

Secondly. I mean this in the most purest, noblest way. I wish I could take you into a hug and tell you it's going to be ok, and that you will survive this. I wish that I could comfort you and make all this garbage go away, unfortunately I cannot.

The reality is you are dealing with a lot of issues, and as these memories come up it is going to cause discouragement and mental, emotional hardship. However just like the storms of the other night, they will come and make noise and cause discomfort, and then they leave.

These memories will never go away, but you will get to the place where managing them will be very doable. You will over come this just be patient, and keep holding on. You are not alone in this.

 

[scout86]

is kind of that acknowledgement that it is a part of who I am

Is it "part of who you are", or is it something that happened to you? Two different things, aren't they? It affected who you are, to be sure, but I'm not totally sold on the idea that it IS part of who you are.

Basically I have this believe that medication means I will die

I'm not on any medication and my T isn't a big fan of medication. But, if I told him something like that he would say something like, "You might want to consider coming up with a better way to think of that." Annoying as all get out, but he says stuff like that ALL the time. And, you know what? He usually has a point. Not that I have an opinion on whether or not you need medication. I don't.

You don't sound at all like you're complaining. You sound like you're telling us about what you're experiencing. NTW!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is it "part of who you are", or is it something that happened to you? Two different things, aren't they?

Yep, they are two different things. I think it is something that happened to me that has caused me to act/develop in certain ways. I am still struggling with words to describe it.

"You might want to consider coming up with a better way to think of that."

I have thought about it many, many times. There's more than just that "simple" statement, but again it is hard to put into words. Thanks for you thoughts.

 

[Dana1010]

It affected who you are, to be sure, but I'm not totally sold on the idea that it IS part of who you are.

Totally in agreement with this. I've been going through this with bad memories and regrets. It's like well, this is a part of me so I have to "integrate" it or apologize for it or find a way to shoehorn it into who I am today. But what I'm finding is that there's no place for it in my life today and I have to just walk away from it. If it was awful, I acknowledge that it was awful and let that experience of awfulness run its course. If I try to sugarcoat something it just keeps coming up, fighting to be seen for what it is.

 

[Seasounds]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve:

I like that you write, so that someone will know. That inspires me.

How to integrate a memory; great question, because when it is integrated, the memory is well on the road releasing. I can say that I am still on that same path with my current level of memories. The recipe (of tools) that have worked for me in the past-daily, weekly, or monthly (whatever i could trade for, or afford) done over time, have been:

• daily, after my morning rituals, I open to a memory, claim it is my truth, set my intention to accept it as a gift-so I can not get stuck in resentment, and so I can learn and recover more of 'myself' back. I end by imagining the energy releasing through my feet into the earth, and by imaging the earth's neutral energy coming into the souls of my feet.
• Get professional help to help emotionally process it (release related emotions, and get professional help, to afterwards, end with getting support to affirm my not being guilty, my goodness, and my inherent value.
• Get bodywork that helps my body soften, and move, and release the physical energy-that is related to the event. At different times, different massage techniques have been helpful: regular massage, deep tissue massage, Craniosacral therapy, Therapeutic Touch.
• Mindfulness meditation, if it calms, rather than aggravates me. It can help me connect to my spirit, which is deeper than all of my personal experiences-traumas.
• Regular walks, where i do a variation of a Vipassana walking meditation: with my inhale I think to myself, "I receive everything that has ever occurred in my life as a gift", and with my exhale, I think, "I release myself as a gift."
• Sometimes, integration occurs, by doing something that gives me 'what was lost'. Examples are: being strangled-taking speaking voice lessons; being held at gun point-taking a handgun safety class; being raped, attacked with beatings-taking Model Mugging (a specific self-defense class); fear of dying for sharing the memory, due being threatened if I did-sharing it at an incest survivor meeting.
• I just keep doing the work until, eventually, integration occurs, and the memory releases.
• Hang out in nature, and with calm people.
• Be patient, and be creative.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@change - Thank you for sharing what works for you. That is helpful. I feel so muddled on this path with PTSD sometimes.