Am I In The Wrong Here?

[Deleted member 27181]

I'm a little confused, frankly pissed off and feeling like I'm the worst person in the world but at the same time, like I haven't done anything wrong.

In November last year, I stopped speaking to pretty much all my friends. There was A, she had a tendency to lie a lot but nothing major and you got used to it after a while, there was S, who was just weird and a bit 'emo' and then there was, D who was weird and a bit pervy and just odd. I stopped talking to all three and only now has A messaged me again (a year later). She said she was worried about me and wanted us to talk and stuff again and after going a year with out having friends (and very little human contact in general) I thought why not, and we carried on talking. Ended up making plans to meet up on Friday with a mutual friend L, who I didn't stop speaking to.

I don't know why I stopped speaking to them, but I assume now that it was partly to do with PTSD and the whole disconnecting from people and such. Anyway, at the time I was with my boyfriend of 2 months and I promised him I wasn't going to speak to them again, I don't know why, like I said, but he made me promise and so I did.

I broke my promise. And now he's pissed. I understand why he's pissed, at me breaking my promise, but for the last year I have felt so alone and A was a really good friend to me. I was really happy when we started talking again. I told my boyfriend and he started acting really dickish.

He said I promised him, and that now I broke my promise and then ended up just saying 'I'll talk to you later'. And I'm kind of freaking out. And I feel like I'm betraying him by posting on here because I shouldn't be sharing personal stuff on a website, but I don't know what else to do.

His friends were mean to him a while back and he said he wasn't going to talk to them, then he started talking to them again and I had no objection other than "I trust you know what you're doing, and if you forgive them, so do I". My friends didn't actually do anything to me, didn't say anything or do anything that would have caused me to stop talking to them. So I feel like he's being a bit of a jerk and a hypocrit by saying I shouldn't have spoken to them.

Am I in the wrong? Did I do wrong by breaking my promise or is he being a bit of a overprotective boyfriend?

 

[digger]

Sounds a bit possessive to me. I'm confused why he asked you to promise in the first place? At the end of the day, who you are friends with is your choice. If they weren't hurting you, and he's no reason to assume they will now, then really it's none of his business. Does he have many friends himself that he sees without you? Perhaps he's feeling a bit threatened?

 

[desiderata310]

I'm with Digger on this one. Someone... ANYONE is dictating to you, a grown person, who you can and can not be friends with?! How DARE he!
That's just all kinds of wrong.
Sorry, touchy subject with me.

 

[marylouise]

Sounds more than wrong; this kind of possessive, controlling behavior sounds potentially dangerous. He seems to like having you socially isolated. I see red flags for the development of an abusive relationship. Maybe this won't happen (and it is good to hear you've been with him for over a year), but please be careful because the signs are there.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I agree. This issue sounds like he's renting space in your head. Yes, you can vent about your friends but it's up to you to decide to keep them or not.
The only info I don't have is why on earth the subject became an issue he made you promise about in the first place?

 

[shimmerz]

My SO has pointed out things that I was not seeing in others but never dictated what I should not do or who I should see. I guess I would have to ask what the difference between A, S, P and L are. Why is L okay? Are these males or females? I can understand someone taking issue with a 'perv' type personality however dictatorship is a horrible thing to be ruled by. You might want to think about whether you want someone around you who doesn't allow you to make your own decisions.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

We sorted it out, turns out it wasn't the friends thing he was upset about. More the fact I broke a promise and after a past issue, promises are a big thing to him. We both appologised since we both over reacted, but still.

And yes @Shimmers, A is female, S *D and L are male. L is okay because L wasn't a friend I hung around with at that time.. idk it's all confusing

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You say "overprotective", I say "controlling". The thing is, unless these friends are destructive in some manor, then your boyfriend should keep his nose out of it all. I did tell one guy to kick an online acquaintance to the curb because she was trying to destroy our relationship, and in that sort of situation I'd say its ok. But if he is just trying to protect you, then no, you are a big girl and you can decide who you associate with. He can have his opinion and he can tell you what he thinks, but the ultimate decision is up to you. Let him pout like a baby, cuz he's acting childish....

 

[digger]

More the fact I broke a promise and after a past issue, promises are a big thing to him.

That still doesn't answer the question of why he thought it was okay to ask you to promise that in the first place....

 

[shimmerz]

I second what @digger is saying. That promise is something that infringes on your boundaries. It is also manipulation. Having someone make a promise to 'get rid of people' is not something that ANYONE should do. In other words, the problem existed the moment he made you promise to get rid of them - not when you broke the promise.

If he was not happy with your choice of friends, he should have put an end to your relationship with him - not sabotage your relationship with them. Be very very careful.

 

[desiderata310]

I was married to that guy.
Take mine as a cautionary tale. It started out with little things, like how he LIKED my hair and his strong DISLIKE for wearing it short. It grew from there.
I understand that it may not be the same tale but mine ended with him choking me unconscious one night while he raped me because he was angry that I wanted a divorce and accused me of an affair.

ok.. stopping there...

It's a knee jerk reaction but there's something that makes me want to scream at you "RUN!"

LONG AND THE SHORT OF THIS: you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
NOTHING. Not even breaking some inane promise that he pressured you in to.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I made the promise to him apparently. I can't remember, I can't remember much of last year to be honest. But apparently, and he has the texts to prove it, that I told him to make sure I'd never speak to them again. So I don't know what's going on, but we made up and we have sorted it out. He's not manipulative, quite the opposite and this isn't him being manipulative, it's him doing what I told him to do (apparently) a good 8 months ago. He didn't pressure me into it, I never said that anywhere in my post. And to be honest, I shouldn't have written this post, I guess I expected to get replies saying he's controlling and manipulative but he's really not and he makes sure he's not due to the fact he tells me he doesn't want to be like my ex boyfriend.

I guess I'm going to let this post die since I get hurt by people saying stuff like this about him, he wasn't sabbotaging my relationship with them, he didn't make me promise like I thought he did and he certainly isn't upset with me being friends with them. He's not upset at all now anymore, we've cleared it up.

Thank you all for taking your time to post, it's appreciated. ^^

unless these friends are destructive in some manor, then your boyfriend should keep his nose out of it all

Funny thing is we all class different things as destructive. He found the fact I was staying out until 11pm in a city centre, with these friends, drinking countless red bull and dissociating and acting like I was in some form of manic episode, destructive. I didn't know what I was doing, it was all fun and games back then. I was still aware of what I was doing, I said no when a friend of a friend offered drugs, we didn't drink and I know all of this now (still patchy memory) and when I go out with them on Friday, I'll understand if my boyfriend get's worried. But like you said, and like I've told him, I can handle myself. And if I get the slightest bit out of sorts or anything out of the ordinary, he wants me to call him. Now that is protective, not controlling.