Is Weird Stuff Really Stuck In My Psoas Muscle?

[Springer80]

"Get off of my skin!"

Well this makes total sense. It's what you couldn't say whilst in freeze response. Mine is 'leave me alone' and sometimes if I'm dissociated or thinking about something I don't feel prepared for, the phrase just pops out of my mouth but I don't feel like I've said it.

 

[Chava]

My hands shake a lot in therapy...likely a "freeze" between wanting to connect and wanting to guard myself or push away. It's an icky place to be in, but I'm glad I feel safe enough to experience it in my hand, because finally I feel like a tiny bit of light is shed on all of my relationships, even if I haven't been able to repair this stuff yet. And even if it's always a little challenging, it feels less like I'm fundamentally messed up, and more like I'm that injured girl in the dream...

 

[Springer80]

I'm imagining worms crawling out through my skin...a little relief in that...and my little ball posture.

Sorry Chava, I didn't see your post first time. We must have posted at the same time again!
Take things easy won't you. I can't remember if you said you have a teddy or a pillow person but I hope you can get allow yourself the best relief you can manage at the minute.

Maybe the worms could be short beams of warm light. Glo worms perhaps?

 

[Springer80]

one is covered with a sticky tarlike substance that she is desperate to scrape off her skin, and another is all bloody and looks barely human and has no hands or feet

This just gets more weird. I went to a conference on trauma and the body earlier this year and the speaker, a survivor herself, told of the connections we are discussing. She recounted a therapy session where she was told to focus on her feet and a voice insdie her blurted out 'I have no feet!'

Also, my sculptures have no feet and stumps for hands, or no limbs, or hands that are puppets hands and pinned to hollow arms. This last one represent the guilt and shame of implied complicity, so you pretend to have agency when you don't.

 

[Springer80]

it feels less like I'm fundamentally messed up, and more like I'm that injured girl in the dream...

:):hug:

 

[Chava]

They are icky worms I am purging from my body. But I'm enjoying the windows open, evening light, sounds around the neighborhood, so not all detached with it.. Okay, time to really sink into my ball...and let the squirmies out somehow.

 

[Hope4Now]

Mine is 'leave me alone' and sometimes if I'm dissociated or thinking about something I don't feel prepared for, the phrase just pops out of my mouth but I don't feel like I've said it.

This has started happening to me. It is very disconcerting. Sometimes the voice is just in my head, but sometimes I say it out loud."Leave me alone" is one of mine too. It's laced with terrible fear and sense of violation. It still comes out in my head or my voice when my mother calls me all the time needing attention and for me to do stuff for her.

One day a few months ago, I was in the bathroom brushing my hair and all of a sudden I heard this voice in my head that said, "My mommy did bad things to me in the bathtub." And STILL I can't wrap my head around this. Only the vaguest memories. I think I dissociated back then because I do remember "living" on the bathroom ceiling. Very weird. I didn't think so at the time, but now I know enough about dissociation to understand that's what happened. Not sure I'll ever get an actual memory of what made that happen. Or of what happened with my father. A lot of bits and pieces are coming through that are very disturbing but don't seem real at all. What I've realized though, is that I actually remember the experience of emerging from dissociation...not the one where I went to the ceiling, but a different, worse one that plagued me until almost my teens. I actually grew to completely dread that feeling.

We're posting at the same time. I just read what you wrote about the speaker at the conference and about your sculptures. How weird is this. Good weird actually. I can't even begin to express how bizarrely comforting it is to know I'm not the only one with these strange body conceptions. I mean I'm sorry I am not alone because that means other people are suffering in the same way and I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But this is the first time I've shared much of what I've been writing today because I feel like it is way too weird. Thank you for continuing this conversation.

 

[Springer80]

Yeah, it's late here and I've got work tomorrow. Nice talking to you both. Hope you get the squirmies out Chava! Night all.

 

[Hope4Now]

Okay, time to really sink into my ball...and let the squirmies out somehow.

When I was working with my therapist on helping one of my inner children to "unburden" herself, he suggested imagining her taking all the gnarly icky stuff to a place where she could dispose of it permanently and be free of it...either in water, or into the air, or in fire. It's a visualization technique. It was pretty powerful. She didn't get rid of everything the day I did that, but it did make her seem a little lighter and freer. We haven't gone back to that activity for a while because I got pretty overwhelmed with some other stuff. I wonder if visualizing a way to dispose of the worms would help? So the focus is on not only getting them out of you, but also of assuring the ones that are released won't come back?

Good night @Springer80 and @Chava. Peace to you both.

 

[Springer80]

Not sure I'll ever get an actual memory of what made that happen

I have big black spots in my memory. I am not of the school of thought that you should try and drag every scrap of events into the light. I don't see the point. I remember the most horrific things in fragments so what good would it do?

I think feeling is more important than chronology.

Anyway, really must sign off now! I'm glad you don't feel as 'freaky' about all this.

 

[Hope4Now]

OMG. I didn't make the connection. I saw your artwork a while ago and it was AMAZING. Really stunning. I'm looking at it again. You are very brave. Goodnight and thank you.

 

[Chava]

Okay enough the morning (tension in lower back and legs but squirmies gone for now). My tense little ball added to upper back pain yesterday....I figured that would happen, but I feel like I'm strong enough to handle more of my own tension, as long as it doesn't drag on and on and on. I'll see my therapist today and hopefully we can work on the stuck energy a bit.

Thanks for taking me through yesterday and all your interesting thoughts and connections @Springer80 and @Hope4Now