Is Weird Stuff Really Stuck In My Psoas Muscle?

[Chava]

Nope, just feeling really icky in my body as I wake up. But I'm going to see therapist soon. I might even leave earlier and stop to walk around a bit on the way (have to travel a bit from my location). Bringing my spiky ball along to squeeze in the car.

 

[Chava]

We did let some worms out then I "ran" to my grandparents farm. As soon as I crossed onto their farm (in memory of when they were there) I cried. Cried for safety, comfort, then cried that they weren't really there (and well, neither was I). But my therapist reminded me that with all our bad memories we need to work on finding the good safe ones, too. They can help us rewrite or rewire our body's experience of the trauma. Of course, if I had not be passed out drunk and able to runs several miles to Grandma and Grandpas they would have taken care of my. And Grandpa would have chased the boy down with a gun. My worms come from younger places but today it ended up in late-teen drunken rape...you know, feeling so helpless but also so stupid. I tried to kill myself shortly afterward.

So it was kind of neat running away from that f#cker and run,run,run,run,running to Grandpa;s...if nothing else, diffusing a lot of trauma energy. Squirmies have settled. They'll return. Some are stuck, sleeping in my feet. And my pelvis are is a disaster...makes me want to kill myself....rest assured my therapist knows....AND I'll haul my ass to the ER no problem if I'm going to kill myself. I actually LIKE the ER. I just feel too humiliated by my current pelvic problems...repeating phrases that I'm disgusting and I deserve this.......and yet remembering we're a team, I'll find a way to take care of all of my part.

ugggggggggggggggggggggggg

 

[Hope4Now]

@Chava can I send you (((((chava)))))?
I hear all the parts of you trying to heal!!! You are working so hard. I hope you are loving yourself. I'm so sorry you're struggling with these memories and wounded parts of you. You will find a away to take care of yourself. In the meantime, you have your therapist and us here on the forum to send our loving support.

 

[Hashi]

I think a sticking point for me is that my feelings (like emotions) are totally separate from my physical feelings or body memories. And general memories are missing or disconnected from feelings too. So any work with my energy or pain just seems mechanical for the most part. If anything,

You said this near the beginning of what's now quite a long thread. I've only skimmed responses, and I'm not sure if anyone has responded.

I think this is key. When I had somatic therapy my therapist taught me Focussing. There's a book by Eugene Glendin, which I read, then my therapist encouraged me to make connections between physical feelings and emotions. It helped me a lot.

I just dissociate or otherwise space out. I don't know how to get everything to integrate.

We dissociate when we don't feel safe. So if X makes you dissociate, what you need is not to keep trying X but to work on your safety skills so that you're strong enough for X.