Hello everyone, I'm new and I hope this is the right place for this kind o f post. I have been reading a lot of posts on this forum, regarding ptsd, recovering traumatic memories, fake memories and so on, but still I can't be 100% sure of what I am experiencing.
The doubt of having experienced a trauma such as molestation or abuse in my childhood came out when I was about 17 and my parents were watching a TV series (Law and Order, Criminal Minds, I don't remember which one) and one episode was focusing on a pedophile abusing some boys. I suddenly thought: "What if it happened to me too?". At the time I was already in therapy because I was feeling lonely and depressed, when I spoke about this with my psychotherapist and also what in my memories made me think of the possibility, he simply dismissed the idea, finding another interpretation to my memories.
Although I was told by this, later in my life (now I'm 22), whenever I would have a problem, and I would search about it, for example self harm, generalized anxiety, social anxiety and so on, seeing that in the causes might be also sexual abuse/molestation always made me doubt more and more. I know that having some disorder doesn't necessarily mean that happened to me, but still it's not enough to "cool down" my doubts.
So what made me doubt also are some memories I have (and always had) about my childhood and puberty:
- About 3/4 years old: I woke up in the night calling my parents, when they didn't answer, I went to their room and saw them having sex, I think I went to back to my room after. After this episode I was mocking my parents like "lol, I saw you making love" and I guess because that's what they told me, trying to explain what they were doing.
- I have a memory of a dream, in which I saw the head of a woman in my parents room eating a sausage like it was actually giving a fellatio to it. Really weird, did I see it somewhere?
- After my brother was born, I was 7 and he was probably 3/4 and I reenacted what I saw that time in my parents room, so I was on him, rubbing, and my father suddenly entered, and shocked asked what we were doing. Of course I didn't know that what I was doing was to be intended as sexual.
- When I was 8 I decided I didn't want my parents to hug me or to say "I love you" to me because I thought it was meaning I was a weak person.
- Age 9/10, I see in a trashy reality tv show a girl on a ladder and a guy grabbing her hips, and heard that it was a bad thing, and the girl got offended by it. Later I was on my bed, trying to reach something in my wardrobe and suddenly my father came behind me and grabbed me by my hips, I turned and gave him a nasty look, probably asking what he was doing and he answered "I was afraid you could fall" and later went complaining about my behaviour with my mom.
- Age 11/12, we were in the woods, my mom and my brother went peeing and I was left alone with my dad. At this point he said something really weird: "Now that we are alone I could do anything to you". I remember being scared but also reacting with a "whatever". I'm sure nothing happened after this, as or I reached my mom or I just waited for them to come back. What does this mean though? Since I have these doubts, this is my biggest. Did he want to scare me? I have also to admit that my father has a really awkward and dumb sense of humor, and that it could've been just a bad taste joke. That's also what my therapist thought.
I spoke with several people, presenting these memories to them, and they all thought it doesn't mean I was molested and that I'm just paranoid about it. Which is true, I think I could have a paranoia disorder as well, as I am pretty paranoid about a bunch of things.
Other signs that proves against my doubts:
-I remember pretty well my childhood and puberty and adolescence as well.
-I remember even the most traumatic events: I had a contagious illness when I was 9, that locked me to a bed, alone for two weeks, making me even more introvert, and when I was little I remember my mom receveing death threats, to her and her children, and I was very afraid I could die and the feeling of helplessness when the police could find these people (who maybe did just a phone prank?) and the feeling that not even my parents could protect me.
-My mom is a very apprehensive and anxious one. She would never leave me out of her sight, opposite to my dad who tended not to care so much for me as he used to forget to pick me up after elementary school.
I had many conflicts with them in my adolescence, mostly because I found out that my mother lied about taking the pill just to get pregnant from my dad, and since this I had always felt like I wasn't a lovechild, just a mean to her ends, and that my father didn't even want me.
Right now I'm studying in a foreign country and they have been very supporting and proud of me, and our relationship has improved a lot. But still I don't talk so much with my dad, as much as I actually talk with my mom, but I guessed it's always been that way.
I'm actually curious of what you think of this. Sorry in advance for the long post!
The doubt of having experienced a trauma such as molestation or abuse in my childhood came out when I was about 17 and my parents were watching a TV series (Law and Order, Criminal Minds, I don't remember which one) and one episode was focusing on a pedophile abusing some boys. I suddenly thought: "What if it happened to me too?". At the time I was already in therapy because I was feeling lonely and depressed, when I spoke about this with my psychotherapist and also what in my memories made me think of the possibility, he simply dismissed the idea, finding another interpretation to my memories.
Although I was told by this, later in my life (now I'm 22), whenever I would have a problem, and I would search about it, for example self harm, generalized anxiety, social anxiety and so on, seeing that in the causes might be also sexual abuse/molestation always made me doubt more and more. I know that having some disorder doesn't necessarily mean that happened to me, but still it's not enough to "cool down" my doubts.
So what made me doubt also are some memories I have (and always had) about my childhood and puberty:
- About 3/4 years old: I woke up in the night calling my parents, when they didn't answer, I went to their room and saw them having sex, I think I went to back to my room after. After this episode I was mocking my parents like "lol, I saw you making love" and I guess because that's what they told me, trying to explain what they were doing.
- I have a memory of a dream, in which I saw the head of a woman in my parents room eating a sausage like it was actually giving a fellatio to it. Really weird, did I see it somewhere?
- After my brother was born, I was 7 and he was probably 3/4 and I reenacted what I saw that time in my parents room, so I was on him, rubbing, and my father suddenly entered, and shocked asked what we were doing. Of course I didn't know that what I was doing was to be intended as sexual.
- When I was 8 I decided I didn't want my parents to hug me or to say "I love you" to me because I thought it was meaning I was a weak person.
- Age 9/10, I see in a trashy reality tv show a girl on a ladder and a guy grabbing her hips, and heard that it was a bad thing, and the girl got offended by it. Later I was on my bed, trying to reach something in my wardrobe and suddenly my father came behind me and grabbed me by my hips, I turned and gave him a nasty look, probably asking what he was doing and he answered "I was afraid you could fall" and later went complaining about my behaviour with my mom.
- Age 11/12, we were in the woods, my mom and my brother went peeing and I was left alone with my dad. At this point he said something really weird: "Now that we are alone I could do anything to you". I remember being scared but also reacting with a "whatever". I'm sure nothing happened after this, as or I reached my mom or I just waited for them to come back. What does this mean though? Since I have these doubts, this is my biggest. Did he want to scare me? I have also to admit that my father has a really awkward and dumb sense of humor, and that it could've been just a bad taste joke. That's also what my therapist thought.
I spoke with several people, presenting these memories to them, and they all thought it doesn't mean I was molested and that I'm just paranoid about it. Which is true, I think I could have a paranoia disorder as well, as I am pretty paranoid about a bunch of things.
Other signs that proves against my doubts:
-I remember pretty well my childhood and puberty and adolescence as well.
-I remember even the most traumatic events: I had a contagious illness when I was 9, that locked me to a bed, alone for two weeks, making me even more introvert, and when I was little I remember my mom receveing death threats, to her and her children, and I was very afraid I could die and the feeling of helplessness when the police could find these people (who maybe did just a phone prank?) and the feeling that not even my parents could protect me.
-My mom is a very apprehensive and anxious one. She would never leave me out of her sight, opposite to my dad who tended not to care so much for me as he used to forget to pick me up after elementary school.
I had many conflicts with them in my adolescence, mostly because I found out that my mother lied about taking the pill just to get pregnant from my dad, and since this I had always felt like I wasn't a lovechild, just a mean to her ends, and that my father didn't even want me.
Right now I'm studying in a foreign country and they have been very supporting and proud of me, and our relationship has improved a lot. But still I don't talk so much with my dad, as much as I actually talk with my mom, but I guessed it's always been that way.
I'm actually curious of what you think of this. Sorry in advance for the long post!
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