Hello everyone,
I hope this finds you safe and calm, even though some of the posts on this site can trigger some dark thoughts. This post isn't particularly deep, but I felt the need to share something today. About a year ago, a family member thought it amusing to trigger my PTSD, saying things that I would never share with anyone who faces similar challenges to those we encounter every day. He stated that he had arranged for me to be attacked by one of his friends, that he had done things to the body of a dearly loved person who raised me, and a whole slew of other things that were completely horrid. I had been undergoing extensive EMDR therapy at the time, which wasn't working particularly well, and these things in conjunction created the biggest meltdown I've ever had. I lost my boyfriend, my graduate school placement in a dream program, and quite frankly, my mind for a little while. It was a profound humiliation, and of course, I took it very hard. Of course, the family members who found the process of triggering me to be entertaining still attempted to make it worse. Fortunately, I have an attorney who is aware of the situation, and will pursue them if they attempt similar things in the future.
Well, next week I start a different graduate school program. It isn't my dream program, although it is an excellent one. I haven't found another boyfriend since that time. At first, it was profound depression due to what I had lost. Now, it's more about being depressed regarding what I'm finding :P Doing my nails with a couple of girlfriends seems like a lot more fun these days than pretending that I'm normal during a date.
I look at myself in the mirror some days, and see someone very different than those attackers would have seen so many years ago. Looking over some medical records recently, I realized that I have had PTSD for more years during my life than I was healthy. Years ago, I would have stated something like "than I was myself". Being a young person who had skipped many grades, and who was on the path to studying astronomy, composed the greater part of whom I believed myself to be. But that was no more the person that I was, than watching too much television composes my person to be today. But it does hurt. I feel like everything could have been different, if only the rapists had gone to jail. But that wasn't what happened. That's not what happens, most of the time. I am not alone. Many women have seen their attacks turned into jokes, and their hearts have been broken by those who question their stories. Forbearance should be the byword for the survivor who must walk through this world as if through shadows.
If we are but shadows of who we were, those things would still exist, that a light be cast on them to create a dim obscuration. But I don't think that is true. I think we still have our light, deep down. We're just cautious. Maybe we're a little bit scared. Maybe we have good reasons to be fearful. Maybe some part of us is smart enough to keep quiet that which is sacred. PTSD is a heavy rock to drag around. I just think that we develop muscles to carry that weight, and that some of the coping mechanisms we develop are actually good for us.
In recent years, many of us have gotten used to the idea that the general idea of someone who has PTSD is one of a monster, or a ticking time bomb. It's nice to see that the media manages to obscure absolutely everything. I'm not sure about what the general public thinks, but these days, I tend to react with real malaise when so little reasoning is employed. I've always believed in human rights and civil liberties. But if people are to be victimized for surviving trauma, then I believe we should keep these things confidential. It makes me sad, because everyone should feel safe to be themselves and speak their truth. But that isn't really the world we live in.
Last night, I was caught off guard when reading some Facebook posts about a young woman at Columbia University who is dragging around the mattress she was assaulted on until the school kicks the man off campus. He was apparently attacked 3 girls, and the school has done nothing. But my reaction wasn't that of my friends, which was dismay and disbelief that administrative faculty could be so blind. Like many women, I experienced this type of organized stupidity for myself. My reaction was very real pain in my stomach and concern for the young lady. She is brave, but placing herself in the path of so much stupidity and cruelty. I wished that someone could have been there for her, and taken that mattress away so that she could heal. It shook me. But we all fight on, in our own way. Poor child. I hope she wins.
My coffee is almost done, which means I'll be off. Thank you to whoever put this site together. It is very comforting to know that you can post something anonymously, and get something off your chest.
Be well and take good care of yourself.
Genie
I hope this finds you safe and calm, even though some of the posts on this site can trigger some dark thoughts. This post isn't particularly deep, but I felt the need to share something today. About a year ago, a family member thought it amusing to trigger my PTSD, saying things that I would never share with anyone who faces similar challenges to those we encounter every day. He stated that he had arranged for me to be attacked by one of his friends, that he had done things to the body of a dearly loved person who raised me, and a whole slew of other things that were completely horrid. I had been undergoing extensive EMDR therapy at the time, which wasn't working particularly well, and these things in conjunction created the biggest meltdown I've ever had. I lost my boyfriend, my graduate school placement in a dream program, and quite frankly, my mind for a little while. It was a profound humiliation, and of course, I took it very hard. Of course, the family members who found the process of triggering me to be entertaining still attempted to make it worse. Fortunately, I have an attorney who is aware of the situation, and will pursue them if they attempt similar things in the future.
Well, next week I start a different graduate school program. It isn't my dream program, although it is an excellent one. I haven't found another boyfriend since that time. At first, it was profound depression due to what I had lost. Now, it's more about being depressed regarding what I'm finding :P Doing my nails with a couple of girlfriends seems like a lot more fun these days than pretending that I'm normal during a date.
I look at myself in the mirror some days, and see someone very different than those attackers would have seen so many years ago. Looking over some medical records recently, I realized that I have had PTSD for more years during my life than I was healthy. Years ago, I would have stated something like "than I was myself". Being a young person who had skipped many grades, and who was on the path to studying astronomy, composed the greater part of whom I believed myself to be. But that was no more the person that I was, than watching too much television composes my person to be today. But it does hurt. I feel like everything could have been different, if only the rapists had gone to jail. But that wasn't what happened. That's not what happens, most of the time. I am not alone. Many women have seen their attacks turned into jokes, and their hearts have been broken by those who question their stories. Forbearance should be the byword for the survivor who must walk through this world as if through shadows.
If we are but shadows of who we were, those things would still exist, that a light be cast on them to create a dim obscuration. But I don't think that is true. I think we still have our light, deep down. We're just cautious. Maybe we're a little bit scared. Maybe we have good reasons to be fearful. Maybe some part of us is smart enough to keep quiet that which is sacred. PTSD is a heavy rock to drag around. I just think that we develop muscles to carry that weight, and that some of the coping mechanisms we develop are actually good for us.
In recent years, many of us have gotten used to the idea that the general idea of someone who has PTSD is one of a monster, or a ticking time bomb. It's nice to see that the media manages to obscure absolutely everything. I'm not sure about what the general public thinks, but these days, I tend to react with real malaise when so little reasoning is employed. I've always believed in human rights and civil liberties. But if people are to be victimized for surviving trauma, then I believe we should keep these things confidential. It makes me sad, because everyone should feel safe to be themselves and speak their truth. But that isn't really the world we live in.
Last night, I was caught off guard when reading some Facebook posts about a young woman at Columbia University who is dragging around the mattress she was assaulted on until the school kicks the man off campus. He was apparently attacked 3 girls, and the school has done nothing. But my reaction wasn't that of my friends, which was dismay and disbelief that administrative faculty could be so blind. Like many women, I experienced this type of organized stupidity for myself. My reaction was very real pain in my stomach and concern for the young lady. She is brave, but placing herself in the path of so much stupidity and cruelty. I wished that someone could have been there for her, and taken that mattress away so that she could heal. It shook me. But we all fight on, in our own way. Poor child. I hope she wins.
My coffee is almost done, which means I'll be off. Thank you to whoever put this site together. It is very comforting to know that you can post something anonymously, and get something off your chest.
Be well and take good care of yourself.
Genie
