Sufferer Trauma survivor in search for meaning and growing stronger by the day…

[Luna_Moth]

Several years ago I was accused of something I never thought would happen. My mother blamed me for having false memories when I never mentioned anything of the sort, nor did I have any strange memories to go by.

Three years later I would find myself becoming triggered to the point of regression. I did not know what a flashback truly was, let alone somatic and emotional ones. I found myself in a state of terror, not knowing the true origin of where it came from. As they progressed I found myself in the state of a little child. I felt like I was 4 years old again with the same fear of loud noises. A symptom of PTSD that I also was not aware of.

Throughout the years I’ve been misdiagnosed with ADHD and auditory processing disorder. Pediatricians labeled me as a child who needed to pay attention in school and because of that my behavioral issues were overlooked as something that I would phase out of.

I never phased out of it, I repressed it.

I dissociated throughout my childhood and even had my father admit to me that I was put through Somatic therapy, a modality that focuses on addressing trauma within the body. Yet they deny that anything happened to me. Now at the age of 30 I have to pick up the pieces and deal with their bullshit because I’m not able to cut them off as of yet. I’m tired of keeping in touch with people who are in denial for their own selfish or shady reasons.

Alas, I have been reading a ton of literature on psychology and how trauma affects the brain. I feel like this is the start of my healing journey. In a way I’m glad I was triggered by someone, because without that I wouldn’t have gotten the correct diagnosis and the right help that I need.

I have also come to accept that I might not ever be able to find love, because I am emotionally stunted at a child’s mindset due to trauma.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the the forum

 

[Luna_Moth]

Welcome to the the forum

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be on these forums because many people here seem to remember their trauma while I don’t. It makes me feel like an imposter.

 

[ags1]

I can really relate to your story, and you belong on this forum.

I remember a lot of things, but not I think the core of whatever it was that happened to me. My older brothers won't talk about it. I suppose they think they are protecting me.

My memories should be "enough" but I never really feel that. I question myself and feel like an imposter. The memories that I do have are like photographs without emotion.

I think the imposter feeling is a symptom of PTSD. If you spend all your time masking your feelings and pretending to cope, you start disbelieving the feelings.

I found out about emotional flashbacks just a month or two ago. I had no idea what I was experiencing until then.

 

[HomelessJoe]

I'm not a therapist. But not remembering can be a blessing if you let it. Knowing can give you some answers. But knowing can be a living nightmare. I'm sure a therapist would encourage trying to recover those lost memories. So that you can process it and move forward. Again I'm not a therapist. I say bury it.

Focus on your health and whatever other stresses in your life. Those extra stresses brought out thoughts of PTSD. It is better if you can't remember. Your brothers are right to keep it from you if that's what they are doing. I'm sorry I'm damn sure you want to know. But once you open that box... I hope you find clarity and releaf in whatever you choose to do next.

 

[Luna_Moth]

I'm not a therapist. But not remembering can be a blessing if you let it. Knowing can give you some answers. But knowing can be a living nightmare. I'm sure a therapist would encourage trying to recover those lost memories. So that you can process it and move forward. Again I'm not a therapist. I say bury it.

Focus on your health and whatever other stresses in your life. Those extra stresses brought out thoughts of PTSD. It is better if you can't remember. Your brothers are right to keep it from you if that's what they are doing. I'm sorry I'm damn sure you want to know. But once you open that box... I hope you find clarity and releaf in whatever you choose to do next.

I understand where you’re coming from, but if it were me I would want to know.

I’m not a child anymore and don’t need any more protection. I just feel like if you’re keeping secrets like that from someone, then you obviously must feel guilty of something.

I can really relate to your story, and you belong on this forum.

I remember a lot of things, but not I think the core of whatever it was that happened to me. My older brothers won't talk about it. I suppose they think they are protecting me.

My memories should be "enough" but I never really feel that. I question myself and feel like an imposter. The memories that I do have are like photographs without emotion.

I think the imposter feeling is a symptom of PTSD. If you spend all your time masking your feelings and pretending to cope, you start disbelieving the feelings.

I found out about emotional flashbacks just a month or two ago. I had no idea what I was experiencing until then.

I have blips of memory where I would be bleeding from my vagina while going to the toilet at the age of 4 to 6. I thought I was peeing blood cause I didn’t know any better. I think I ended up telling my mom at the time and I don’t remember if she took me to a doctor.

Sometimes I wonder if I made it up because I feel so emotionally distant from it. Like maybe I dreamed it up, but I don’t know how a child would come up with that unless they witnessed something.

 

[Friday]

I have blips of memory where I would be bleeding from my vagina while going to the toilet at the age of 4 to 6. I thought I was peeing blood cause I didn’t know any better.

In a part of West Africa with a parasite in the rivers, people to this day, still think that men go through a kind of menses… and start bleeding from their dicks, the same way women bleed. It’s not that. It’s that it takes 10-15 years for the parasite to cause bleeding whilst peeing / spotting without peeing. Girls bleed once a month. Boys bleed every day. That’s just “normal”. Western medicine is having difficulty convincing the fishermen to take antiparasitcals, to kill the parasite. And these are grownups. Not toddlers.

What’s normal? Not knowing any better? Is. Completely. Relative. To. Your. Experience.

Aloha! & Welcome to the community!

 

[Luna_Moth]

In a part of West Africa with a parasite in the rivers, people to this day, still think that men go through a kind of menses… and start bleeding from their dicks, the same way women bleed. It’s not that. It’s that it takes 10-15 years for the parasite to cause bleeding whilst peeing / spotting without peeing. Girls bleed once a month. Boys bleed every day. That’s just “normal”. Western medicine is having difficulty convincing the fishermen to take antiparasitcals, to kill the parasite. And these are grownups. Not toddlers.

What’s normal? Not knowing any better? Is. Completely. Relative. To. Your. Experience.

Aloha! & Welcome to the community!

Thank you!

I don’t think I peed it out. I was just unaware that I had a urethra. At that age I assumed women peed out of their vaginas lol. So I assumed I was “peeing out” blood when I wasn’t.

Regardless, I think I was dissociated as it was happening, which is another reason I question if I might have been molested.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
@Luna_Moth - content warning removed. No need for them here. Most threads contain distressing content. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[Friday]

Thank you!

I don’t think I peed it out. I was just unaware that I had a urethra. At that age I assumed women peed out of their vaginas lol. So I assumed I was “peeing out” blood when I wasn’t.

Regardless, I think I was dissociated as it was happening, which is another reason I question if I might have been molested.

Nah. It’s a HELLUVA kidney shot, or a massive infection, that causes pissing blood.

My point was mostly that… in this one particular region? People thought pissing blood was NORMAL. For hundreds of years, or longer. Maybe thousands. As long as people had lived along that river, it was NORMAL. (Then western anthropologists & doctors come, and tell you it’s wrong??? Ummm???) Meanwhile, you were a toddler, at 3-4. Everything is normal, at that age. It’s ALL new. You see. You experience. You expect. That’s human.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Mod note:
@Luna_Moth - content warning removed. No need for them here. Most threads contain distressing content. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

Btw how do I add a tag in the Other Disorders section? I’ve been trying to list it under ED.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

Btw how do I add a tag in the Other Disorders section? I’ve been trying to list it under ED.

It will be an option when you create the thread in the relevant forum.

When you have questions like this? Hit us up at Contact. We can talk you through it without highjacking the thread:)