Therapist Leaving, How Do I Handle This?

[Samantha_38]

I feel like I've somehow made a relationship mistake yet again.

I started therapy, for the first time ever pretty much minus a couple involuntary experiences growing up, 8 months ago. Not very long, at least not compared to many posts I have read previously. It is a long story on how I worked up the courage to even go into see somebody, and literally the opportunity fell from the sky and I took it.

Then I went through what is probably typical for anyone, especially first timers. I couldn't trust, I didn't even really know what "trust" meant. I didn't know anything going in on "rules" of what therapy was and wasn't. Who he could and couldn't be and why. I'm still not there I don't think, but I do have a better understanding.Despite this, and the fact I couldn't ever talk about anything in therapy and I struggled just to answer yes or no questions...eventually I did get comfortable.

He was a psychologist in the college I was going to. When I graduated he agreed that we could keep going until I moved to my new college, graduate school. Then he agreed to help me transition through email. Emailing back and forth is something we both did quite regularly previous to this. There were limitations of course. No "real" therapy through emails. No guarantee he would or wouldn't respond. He rarely responded when he wasn't actually in the office.As it went on there were more rules. No more asking questions like "do you care", "are you mad"....stop saying "sorry" so much. Things that I really needed to work on that he'd remind me of when I'd do it in emails.

He walked me to the "Women's Center" on campus to talk to a lady who deals with trauma and assault and the legal system. I was very against ever going to the legal system and he was very into trying to get me to at least give it a chance. I was still experiencing trauma at the time, which he knew, so there was reason for it.

I always asked if those things were normal, and he assured me they were. That he has brought other people to the women's center and he has emailed with other people. He did say it typically wasn't as many emails. Some days there were 20+ emails back and forth. It helped me though. I could talk in email much better than I could there, and it kind of gave him the questions he needed to ask I think.

I don't know it worked, and I understood he was my therapist. I moved and he agreed to keep emailing, not so much as a therapist more just to help me get established in this new place. New therapist, new school, hopefully meet somebody which I hadn't been able to do at my old school. The emails had to keep being less often, they had to be about things he could help with as defined by a lot of conversation over what that was.

I was struggling letting go, but I was getting used to it. He had told me that he would really like to hear from me and even have me stop by if I came back just to update him on how I was doing and what was going on. I held onto that, knowing the emails would need to stop soon but at least he wouldn't just be another person who just left.

2 days ago he told me he got a new job. The emails will have to stop next Friday, and it's not appropriate for us to communicate on his new work email or to meet at this new place. Not even if it's like 3 years from now. Granted I know 3 years from now I may not care, but right now I do care about that.

He makes it sound like this should not be hurting me like it is. It's normal, that's how therapy is. I get it, but I don't. I can't help that it's tearing me up inside. My "abandoned button" has been pushed. Where did I somehow make him more than what he should have been? I don't completely get relationships, I know that. I get major things like "don't hook up with your therapist...or your boss, etc." I don't get why one work email is different from another. And why this apparently meant WAY more to me than it does to other people, and him.

I'm feeling completely alone, like I'm going back to square one with nobody again. He keeps saying I did nothing wrong, but if I did nothing wrong than why is this not "normal" for me. I just do not want him gone forever to basically become my imagination. It's like the 8 months never happened now. I have to say goodbye by Friday and I don't know how to do that, especially not through email. I've never said goodbye to anyone, they always just left without telling me.

I'm in process of finding a new therapist, but I'm afraid this is going to happen all over again. What did I do that made this so important to me, that I shouldn't do with the next one, so that when it ends I won't feel like this again?

 

[mrsps]

Im so sorry this has happened to you and I feel your pain. It is really hard when we get attached to our therapists and they leave before we are ready to leave them. If you can find a new T asap so you can talk through these feelings with them. I totally understand the "abandoned button" I would be devastated if my T stopped seeing me for what ever reason. Please understand you are not alone with how you are feeling ((hugs))

 

[Friday]

This is one of those things where therapy imitates life: It's natural for people to come and go in our lives. It's both right and good that they do. Even though it hurts, sometimes. Even when it hurts a lot.

Ever heard the phrase: "People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." ?

A reason is easy. Toilet is broke, need a plumber. In school, class is taught by a professor and other students have been assigned to it, sick and go to a doctor, asked out on a date and your seeing if you like each other, book club, thesis panel, traffic cop, annoying neighbor, best friend in college, trauma therapist. These are the people who are in our lives, for sometimes brief and sometimes long periods of time, for a very specific set of reasons. It can be a passing encounter or a deeply meaningful one. But they are in our lives for a reason.

A season is longer. Those people tend to wear multiple hats, but not always. They usually start out as "reason" people. A classmate, a teacher, a coworker, a guy trapped in the elevator with you... But for whatever reason... Their role usually changes. They become a friend, mentor, lover, neighbor, spouse, etc. But not always. Sometimes they were the boss for 5 or 30 years. The therapist in school.

A lifetime is unknown. We never know who is going to be in our lives for a lifetime, because we're not done, yet. My husband was only in my life for a season. My dad's father died when he was a kid. Sometimes the people we think we'll have a lifetime wih, we only get a season with.

Sometimes it's easy to let go of people when they move out of our lives. I almost never become attached to the pizza delivery guy. But I've dated some truly amazing men that made my life better for knowing them, I've had teachers that changed my life, friends I wouldn't be here today except they were there then. All of these were losses. Some I felt more keenly than others. But reasons change, seasons end, and (hopefully) my life isn't over, yet.

It's not that others don't feel the same pain, or worse. It's that it's your own pain. Our own pain always hurts the most. Because we're the ones who have to feel it.

 

[Jane.l]

I understand your hurt - this is really tough for you and would feel the same as you do, abandoned and like I did something wrong but it's not the case - it is just life and things change all the time however much we wish otherwise .

Well done for looking for a new T, I understand your reluctance to start over and not wanting to feel vunerable again, I think you may have to spend some time talking this over with your new T .

I feel you need to try and say goodbye, you may regret it later if you don't and the worst has happened , he is leaving , so maybe it will bring you some closure . I really feel for you , our bond with our T can be very special and unique.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you everyone.

I still just don't know how we get to Friday and in an email saying "goodbye". How do I not just want to send another email directly after screaming "come back"? It'd be one thing if he was leaving and there was ever the possibility that I would ever see or talk to him. Even if it was a slight chance. I wish I could just forget all of it because in one week it'll be like it never happened anyways.

@FridayJones - everything you said helps a lot. Well in the sense that I still feel terrible but somewhere that helped. I actually laughed at your statement, "I almost never become attached to the pizza delivery guy". Almost never? Sounds like a good story.

Anyways thank you everyone. It helps to know this isn't necessarily "abnormal". I still don't know how to move on from it though, probably because there's no part of me that wants to move on from it. I don't want it to end.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I moved to the next state and kept up driving an hour and a half to see my therapist. I couldn't bear leaving him but I wasn't going enough, I wouldn't let myself get triggered because I had a long trip home. This went on for years. Finally I had been to the ER too many times and they convinced me to find someone local. I still e-mail him maybe once every two years and by now he isn't really on my radar at all. You'll be better off in the long run to find someone convenient to you. Being in school, you may move on again. There are good therapists everywhere.

 

[scout86]

and it's not appropriate for us to communicate on his new work email or to meet at this new place.

That sounds like it probably pertains to workplace rules and expectations, rather than him saying "Get out of my life and stay out." Pretty common, really. It's entirely possible that he'd like it if you checked in once in awhile as time goes on, because he more than likely DOES care how you're doing. Just not with the office email. On the other hand, he may have a personal rule about how he contacts people (a boundary.)

@FridayJones said it well! When you meet people in life, you take what you can from the experience and give what you can too, then you move on. Moving on can be sad and you definitely miss people sometimes. But, you are moving on TO something. The rest if your life is ahead of you. It more than likely contains a lot more significant people and relationships. (Even if the past doesn't. That's at least part of the reason for therapy, isn't it?)

Meanwhile, you always have the assorted folks here to hang out with.

 

[Samantha_38]

@KwanYingirl - I do get that finding someone here is more convenient. I also moved states, but its like 5 hours away. I was actually already driving an hour and a half when I was regularly seeing him because that's how far away my school was from my house. I wish I could update him every 2 years like you do. That's what I thought I was going to have. That's what he actually said I would be able to do, but that has apparently changed.

@scout86 - Honestly I hope you are right! But he's obviously not going to give me his personal contact information. There's no way to check in. It's not like I even know where he's going, just that he won't be at this current place any longer. I hope he'd like it if I do check in, but there's no way for me to check in, I've thought and asked about everything I can come up with, he's said none of them are appropriate "ethically". I'm having a hard time seeing where that's ethically different from what he was already saying was ok before. He just said it's because it's a different place, so it could be that place. I just don't know how he could want me to, and then at the same time give me no option of doing that.

The only thing I haven't ask, and am afraid to even bring up is what if I just found his contact information on the internet because you can do that for almost anyone, and then just mailed him something? Something he'd never have to respond to if he didn't want to. I don't want to accidentally make things worse though by doing that in a year or whatever, if I even feel like it that far down the road. Right now it seems like I'd be counting down the days, but I do hope that will change. I know I'll be tempted to do that at some point, so maybe I should just ask what would happen in that situation. I'm nervous that makes me sounds kind of "stalker-ish" though...like maybe I'm more messed up that I know for even considering that.

Trying to move on like you all have said, but it has not been an easy last few days and they don't seem to be getting any easier as the time keeps ticking down.

 

[scout86]

it has not been an easy last few days

It will get easier though, trust me. Might take awhile, but it will.

Hard to say what's going on exactly. There are "ethical issues" with therapists having any kind of relationship with a client, post therapy. Regardless of personal feelings. It sounds to me like different therapists draw the line in different places. He may be a person who draws a hard line and you just have to accept that. Like you'd expect someone else to accept it if you did the same. You might, at least, ask "If I meet you on the street a year from now, can I say 'Hi'?" Just to check out his reaction. I live in a fairly small town. At the first session, my T asked, "If I meet you in Walmart, what do you want me to do?" I was sort of surprised, but he said it can happen and different people want it handled differently. He'd be ok with what ever I wanted.

The connection you have with your T is real and it's important. But, there WILL be more connections with other people, really there will.

If it makes you feel any better, I once had a mentor and friend say "Get out of my life, but stay in touch." What do you do with THAT? No introduction, no explanation, just that. He didn't word it exactly that way, but that was the gist of it. I have no idea what I did and this happened many years ago. I've thought about it a lot. No idea. He's on Facebook. So am I, but I figure if he wants to know what I'm up to, it's up to him to ask. I think you're in kind of the same situation, but maybe for a better reason. Not easy, but it's part of life.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you @scout86 ! I think I will ask him something like that. I don't think that will probably ever happen, but you never know.

I hope you are right about there being more connections. I have done the first "intake" appointment with this new therapist he has been helping me get set up with. I'm not sure I'm into her. I can usually tell pretty early on whether or not I'm going to be able to really open up. Some of it I know has to do with a strong personality, which she seems very quiet and reserved. Anyways I hope if even not with her, you're right, and I do connect with someone else again.

This is just so hard, and parts of this whole therapy thing seem very pointless....learn to trust someone with anything and then feel terrible when you have to let them go. That might be because I'm new to this whole therapy thing.

I did email him tonight apologizing for some of the things I first said when he told me. I tend to shut down when things hurt and say things to push people away at that point. I'm starting to hope he'll agree to talk on the phone so I can say goodbye for real. Now to figure out how to do that...

Maybe slowly starting to accept this more.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Samantha_38 Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one...

 

[Justmehere]

I have lost a dear therapy relationship twice. It ended up to be a good thing in the long run. Oh, but it can hurt so bad in the meantime. The first time it happened, it hurt beyond all reason. I thought my world was ending. The second time, it hurt too, and I worked to let go, mourn, and it actually helped me grow a lot. Frankly, I thought it would hurt forever. I wondered about the point of it all too. Now, I think of her for a moment now and then, but not in a way that hurts. I just feel glad for all that I learned. It's been good to move on.

My only advice is to try to see it like a graduation. It's an ending and a beginning. A chance to move into the next chapter of healing.