Ashamed Of My Behavior.... Advice Please

[LisaMarie0876]

I just found this forum today and this is my first ever post about ptsd so im a little nervous...Im not so good at talking about things but Im in desperate need of some advise from others who have been where I am now..
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now...been talking for about 1 1/2 years and been actually together for about a year...He's great! He has stepped in and become a father to my daughters and supports me in every way possible...now here is the dilemma.....I have ptsd....In 2006 my then husband and a friend of his brutally raped me...I didnt talk about it for 6 years...not at all. Actually I self medicated so I didnt have to feel and it worked great for a while. I am now clean have been for almost a year, Sept. 30th will be a year but getting clean has meant that I have to deal with all the feelings that I worked so hard to just make go away...I have major trust issues that have nothing to do with my boyfriend, I do trust him, but I still do things that make him think I dont and I dont understand why im having such a hard time letting the past stay in the past and just move on with my life. This ptsd is causing so many issues in my personal life and my professional life and I dont know what to do. Ive recently started seeing a counselor for the first time in my life and everything seemed to be going a lot better at home till this female friend of my boyfriends started flirting with him and even tried to get him into her bed...he didnt go for it and even told me everything that happened.....why cant i just let it go? He was honest and told me about it instead of doing what a lot of men would do and never say a word...Im afraid im going to lose the best man I ever been with because of my stupid reactions to certain things...I cant seem to help it but I know I should be able to. Logically I know my behavior is all overreactions but emotionally I get jealous (which ive never done before) and get upset over nothing really....I feel like im an anxiety attack waiting to happen...When things are good they are really good and I do great with not letting things bother me then other times I freak out...Is this all the ptsd???

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, @LisaMarie0876. I deleted your duplicate of this thread in the Help Desk forum because that forum is for assistance with the site itself; also, there's no need to post the same topic across multiple threads.

I think you first can take into account that you've done something very positive for yourself. Seeing a counselor is great.

I'm curious - is your inability to let go of knowing about this other woman flirting with your boyfriend the reason you feel like you are having the major trust issues that are interfering with your life? Another way to ask it is, was that event the reason for your recent anxiety? Or has that all just been happening?

Also, does this:

I have major trust issues that have nothing to do with my boyfriend, I do trust him, but I still do things that make him think I dont

mean that he has told you he is upset with you not trusting him?

 

[LisaMarie0876]

First, thank you for deleting the other post...once i realized that I posted it in the wrong place I couldnt figure out how to delete it...
I agree that counseling is a great first step even tho I do have an issue with talking about things...over the years I have kept it all inside and not talked about anything to anyone until my boyfriend came along. He makes me feel very comfortable and its easy to talk to him...he doesnt judge, just listens..
One thing I cant seem to let go of is my past, my abusive ex husband, the rape...this is where all my trust issues stem from, all I really want is to be able to not think about it daily, to sleep with no bad dreams and to move on and enjoy life....im hoping counseling will help with this. My boyfriend is the one who encouraged me to go and I love him all the more for that...
As far as this other female is concerned...she is his ex girlfriend from years and years ago but they have remained friends. i have no problem with him having female friends until they start messaging him calling him handsome and trying to get him in their bed...then i have an anxiety attack...a major one...again, I know he would never cheat - his ex wife cheated and we have talked about how that feels and that we'd never do that to each other - and she knows about me but just wont stop with the comments to him...he thinks I should feel flattered that other women find him attractive and I do - he is really a great catch - He has told me everything she said and did but Im having issues moving past it because she wont stop with her advances...
Yes, he has told me that he thinks I dont trust him and he gets very frustrated with me when he hasnt done anything...thinks he is having to pay for what my ex husband did. I try very hard to not take anything out on him because he is really a great man but Im having issues with just letting go of things...my counselor says its the ptsd but knowing whats causing it isnt helping the situation....i dont understand why some days im totally fine and other days my anxiety level is thru the roof and i cant let things just be..

 

[Sighs]

I don't have PTSD but I was unimpressed when a woman my partner dated a couple of times texted him. He has told her that we have moved in together but every once in a while she texts him things like "Hi! How are things?". Which to me clearly translates to "Hi! Are you single by any chance?". He just ignores her texts. She is being disrespectful to you by making advances when she knows he is with you and if your boyfriend allows her to do that then he is also being disrespectful to you. Its ok to say - "I'm not comfortable with this flirting."

 

[LisaMarie0876]

thank you for replying...he knows it makes uncomfortable, ive told him but i wont tell him who he can and cannot talk to or be friends with. Recently she has texted him asking for rides and whatever and he has told her no and she gets mad...he doesnt care that she is mad and my opinion is oh, well. He has made it clear to her that we are together, we live together and he calls my kids his step kids and he has even told me about conversations with her about me and the kids....she just doesnt get the point......urg........feeling frustrated...

 

[LisaMarie0876]

my ex is the stem of my trust issues and the cause of my ptsd....how do i not take these issues out on my boyfriend whom i love very much???

 

[Deleted member 20280]

When things are good they are really good and I do great with not letting things bother me then other times I freak out...Is this all the ptsd???

Dear @LisaMarie0876 thank-you for a frank introduction thread. As a sufferer suppressed for over twenty years I understand your frustrations. When I had up moments they were fantastic, when I had down times I literally crashed.

You are a brand new member of the forum. Anthony has written some fantastic articles (located in the Vault). Please take time to read not only those, but also to browse the threads.

And, Yes. This is all part of PTSD, especially in recently diagnosed sufferers. After diagnosis we plummet emotionally and can't see the light at the top. Please believe me when I say that we all have the capability to recover to the point of dealing with the day-to-day issues our own particular PTSD develops.

over the years I have kept it all inside and not talked about anything to anyone until my boyfriend came along. He makes me feel very comfortable and its easy to talk to him...he doesnt judge, just listens..

Again suppression of Trauma Memories is only too common in sufferers.

It sound's like you have a great supporter in your boyfriend, be gentle with yourself and with him.

I wish you all the best in your own personal PTSD recovery journey.

Kindest regards and :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurence

 

[racheldiane]

For me, it has been really really hard not to bring the trauma from my rape into relationships I have (I was raped by my ex boyfriend and his friends). I have found the most success by being as open as possible about my PTSD. When I'm not having an episode or strong PTSD symptoms, I talk to my loved ones about how my symptoms affect my relationships with them (I do this in all my serious relationships, including friends and family. I find that it makes my life easier, because if I have an episode randomly I can just say 'I'm having an episode,' and they know exactly what that means and what they can do to help. This isn't a strategy that works for everyone, btu this is what I do). I haven't dated seriously since the incident, but I *almost* started dating an old friend of mine, and I had this conversation with him before we started dating so that he sort of knew A. what he was getting into B. that I was hesitant to date because of all of my emotional stuff and C.) some of the specific things that I KNOW trigger my PTSD, and how to help me when I am triggered.

I'm bet you could think of a way to talk to your boyfriend about some of your specific triggers. It might take a little more counseling before you totally know what those triggers ARE and how to explain them (and you might not be totally comfortable having a conversation like this yet), but in the meantime you could talk to him about how your jealousy is tied in to your feelings about your abusive ex husband. Remember that just because your feelings are fueled by PTSD, doesn't mean they are any less valid or real than if they weren't. It isn't your boyfriend's job to tiptoe around them, but it is his job to be sensitive to them. He won't be able to do that job if he doesn't know it's his job, though. The best thing you can do is communicate with him about what he can do to support you.

I hope you figure it out! Remember that your feelings are not shameful. They make sense, you've been through a lot. Sometimes PTSD manifests itself in ways that make it hard to rationalize. That's okay. You're not a jealous, spiteful, or shameful person. The reactions you're having to this are entirely because of what SOMEONE ELSE CHOSE to do to you. It's not because there is anything wrong or bad about you. It's because your rapists did something awful that had an understandably systemic effect on you. Don't blame yourself for those feelings; they are not your fault. Being jealous is not a terrible horrible thing, either. I think it's natural for you to feel protective over someone you love. It's not like you are trying to control him, in fact, it sounds like you are doing the exact opposite. It is evident that you feel that your feelings are related to the PTSD, and I think some parts probably are. It sounds like (correct me if I am wrong) you are resisting an instinct to control him. The desire for control makes sense, considering the PTSD. Again, those feelings aren't your fault, you shouldn't feel shameful about them. And it seems that you are doing the exact thing that you should be doing by deliberately trying to give him the right to make his own choices (e.g. still talking to her when you wish he didn't). Partners should be able to each make their own decisions about those types of things, IMO. The messy part, is that while you are doing everything that you should be doing (working with a counselor, letting him make his own decisions, trying very hard to work through trust issues) , and he is doing everything that he should be doing (e.g. being honest with you, not cheating, making responsible decisions), you still feel shitty. This is where you should talk to him about your triggers. I'm sure if he understands how much this one issue is affecting you, he'll be totally willing to change without you even needing to tell him to. If he still wants to hang out with her, try to brainstorm some things that would make you feel better about it and share them with him-- if he truly understands that it's not as much about you 'trusting' him as it is about you feeling triggered and insecure, I'm sure he would be willing to make some changes for you to feel better.

 

[LisaMarie0876]

thank you both so much for your responses. Talking about things.....even the little bit ive shared here does make me feel better...wish i would have realized this years ago..urg...Your advice and guidance are greatly appreciated. while i do know that what happened isnt my fault at all i do feel very guilty for my behavior...even at times when its an anxiety attack and i cant control it...i feel like im not trying hard enough...i feel like i was so much stronger when i didnt acknowledge these feelings even tho i was in a bad place with the self medication....because im a wreck now....i know it will get better but does it have to get worse first??? i feel awful most of the time....
ive tried to tell him that i do trust him and that my actions have nothing to do with trusting him or not trusting him...its me and the ptsd and im working with my counselor to get it under control. The shitty thing is that logically I see what im doing and dont like my behavior but cannot always stop it....emotionally is a totally different story.......

 

[LisaMarie0876]

triggers.........i have no idea what mine are....i thought one was the dark....but that doesn't explain the whole jealousy thing.....im going to have to work on that one...thank you

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand the not wanting to tell your boyfriend whom he can and cannot be friends with, but honestly I don't think this can (or should) be a blanket rule. I was seeing a guy who was friends with another female and this female was being extremely destructive by trying to tear him and I apart. It got to the point where I said to get rid of her. Sounds bad on my part, right? Wrong. It wasn't ME who was in the wrong. She was in the wrong by trying to destroy something she had no right to destroy, and I was asserting myself and my rights by saying this behavior was unacceptable and that this "friend" would not be tolerated. Well, long story short, the guy told me that he ended things with the friend while continuing to be her friend behind my back. She continued her destructiveness and I found out. The guy finally "got it" but by then, I was done. The situation showed me that he didn't have my back or have any respect for our relationship because he was allowing some other woman to come between us. So now he is alone and whines about how there were no problems between us and that we should be able to just move forward while I have moved on and found someone else. Its not about controlling your SO's friends....its about your SO being disrespectful and not blocking that woman's arse. How would he like it if you were in continuous contact with an ex boyfriend who repeatedly tried to make moves on you, and you just laughed it off and told him he was being overly sensitive and should be flattered that other men want to bang you? Seriously, that's disrespectful. Don't let him put this crap on you when he can't be a man and put his foot down with his ex. This isn't about PTSD, so don't let your jerk boyfriend convince you that your inability to tolerate women chasing after him is a symptom of your disorder, because simply put, it isn't.

 

[LisaMarie0876]

Im not going to defend his actions because i dont agree with them but I will say that she is fully aware that we are in a relationship, living together and have been for a while now...What she does is facebook message him or text him when im not around...like when he is at work or when i am (he works days, i work nights) and she wont talk to him if we happen to see her out somewhere because she knows I have an LOT to say to her. He considers her a friend and nothing more but she did try to get him into her bed, sends him messages calling him handsome and wanting to know how his day is....flirting to see how he will react. The reason I dont tell him who he can and cant talk to or be friends with is because my ex did that to me...wouldnt allow me to talk to anyone. i know this is an totally different situation but i also know how it feels to not be allowed to do something...he says she told him (after she tried to get him in her bed and he refused) that she is impressed that he is faithful and finds it commendable but wants him to be faithful to her and not me....wtf...
From time to time I still do talk to an ex of mine and he has made comments that were out of line...I have asked him out of respect for my current relationship to not. Also told him that I value our friendship but that is where it must remain and I did tell my bf about this conversation and that I put a stop to the comments....y cant he or wont he do the same???