General What's Allowed?

[Determinedone]

Hello everyone!

I'm new to the site. Could you please give some insight into what you should and shouldn't tolerate with ptsd? My spouse returned from deployment 18mths ago and hasn't been the same, an is in denial.

Things like not coming right home after work in fact coming home hours later, answer in the phone or txt when HE is ready. Hangin out with new friends and not revealing who they are and outburts of rage for no reason especially when I ask about our marriage. At this point I've done my research and he has almost all the symptoms but wot seek counseling, as he feels I'm the blame for his unhappiness. Another symptom by the way. Which causes me to be alone and lonely even when he's rite here. Occasionally he will spend a few hours with me but it seems to drain him

 

[Nicolette]

Could you please give some insight into what you should and shouldn't tolerate with ptsd?

Pretty simply - anything else you wouldn't normally tolerate. You need to make more allowances and be more empathetic but you shouldn't compromise how you expect to be treated.

 

[Nicolette]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ideal-carer.13746/#post-173982

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-a-reality-check.13743/#post-173979

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-we-choose-not-to-see.10797/#post-152942

 

[Determinedone]

We've been married 21 years. We've got the marriage everyone dreams about, until he returned from back to back overseas deployment due to work. Now he seems to e an empty shell.... Disrespect shovanistic comments, withdrawn from everyone me, kids, close friends and family. Sleeps with the same cover they far him while away and refuses to talk about why he's so full of rage. I'm confused.... Because he's never been disrespectful to me ever. Yet due to his lack of communication I can only research and try to slowly get close to him. As soon as he starts to open up an be the man I knew he seems to go into overload and shut down.

Is inability I handle touch and affection a part of this? Along with rage and secrecy, paranoia?

 

[BlueOrange]

Touch and affection can be very hard to take when you're angry and you're frustrated and you don't know why.

We at this site can help you understand what to expect (without therapy, more of the same. With therapy, things get difficult at the start, but should improve after), but what you can tolerate is up to you.

It sounds like your basic approach is a good one. Researching and taking it slowly is definitely good. Don't wait until you're completely out of patience before confronting him - if you're exhausted, it will be harder for a confrontation to result in a good outcome.

 

[Momofthree]

If you are concerned for his safety or yours you can get counseling through the military without it being a 'blemish' on his record. You can either go to medical and ask your primary care to help or you can go to Army community center (I'm assuming he is army each branch has the same resources under different names) and get counseling their. Once you have that set up the counselor can recommend a therapist for your husband if it looks like he is going to need one (which he most likely will). PTSD is a huge concern for the military and they are getting better every year about taking the stigma off of it and not allowing it to ruin careers. There is a lot of support out there for you as well. Even if he chooses not to seek help you can get help yourself through the same places.

 

[Determinedone]

If you are concerned for his safety or yours you can get counseling through the military without it being a 'blemish' on his record. You can either go to medical and ask your primary care to help or you can go to Army community center (I'm assuming he is army each branch has the same resources under different names) and get counseling their.

I don't feel in danger. Just confused more than anything because I can't seem to understand how someone could be so rude and just cold hearted and not realize what they're doing? I guess the more I read an talk with everyone on here along with the counselor, the more I will understand. It's just there are times when I try and talk to him that he just ignores me while looking right at me and will talk about something else?

Unfortunately he's not military, he's a DOD employee so he doesn't have many options. He's a private person anyway so all of this is making it worse.

 

[Justmehere]

I suggest all supporters to get therapy. Yes, for the supporters to get therapy. 1.) ptsd is hard to deal with under the best of circumstances - and it usually gets worse before it gets better and every supporter needs their own support 2.) it helps the sufferer to see that it's ok to ask for help 3.) it helps break through denial that there is a problem and it's impacting others.

If he is DOD he still should have benefits that cover therapy....

I think you may have to set some boundaries before he will break through his denial (denial is a way to cope with pain) and while it will help both of you in the long run, it's tough to do and things get harder at first. So I would actually suggest looking for support for you as well as for him as you both go through this tough time.

 

[Determinedone]

I've been seeing a counselor for about 5 months now. She says her specialty is PTSD yet some of her advice I don't necessarily agree with. For example she says when he begins being disrespectful and saying hurtful things to get my keys and leave for the night. Shut my phone off and when I return tell him I left because he couldn't stop disrespecting me. I've never done this since we've been married and I don't wanna strt now. Another thing is it normal for them to threaten to leave a lot? Saying thing aren't working out ? He almost seems to use this to keep me from pushing him to talk. He's never left, and I truely feel he wants to stay. He's always saying I'm trying to see how things go if it's gonna work out. He also likes to add this rude comment every now and then when I'm making plans. He says yea if were together? Then he looks at me almost like he's enjoying hurting me. This part makes me angry this isn't him at all....

 

[Nicolette]

For example she says when he begins being disrespectful and saying hurtful things to get my keys and leave for the night. Shut my phone off and when I return tell him I left because he couldn't stop disrespecting me.

Totally disagree as it just encourages bad situations - eg he is disrespectful, you leave, he then gets to isolate in the comforts of home and you're inconvenienced.

I agree with leaving the room telling him you won't be spoken to like that and to let you know when he is willing to talk to you decently, otherwise you will not listen to him. Then go about your business at home in another room.

 

[Nicolette]

Another thing is it normal for them to threaten to leave a lot? Saying thing aren't working out ?

Can be. Maybe he is either testing you for an 'out' or may it's seeking reassurance using negative dialogue?

 

[Determinedone]

Can be. Maybe he is either testing you for an 'out' or may it's seeking reassurance

Testing me for an out? He's made some many comments since his return home that I'm not sure what he's doing or thinking. For example I tell him I'm here for him and I'm a strong woman. He replied one day with well let's see just how strong you are.... were about to find out. Then on my
Birthday he was really sweet. I told him I enjoyed him that day and his response was I couldn't be an asshole on your birthday that's not cool. I've gotta give you a break sometime.

If only he would open up or talk to me so I know how he feels. It would be nice to also be able to speak to someone who can explain from his pov what's going on in his head. There are so many variables, is it another woman? Did he just get used to beig isolated and can't cope with his family and day today stress or is it PTSD and I just need to be patient? I love him and i don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon....