Just to be clear, I'm not a troll or trying to seek attention or information for a novel. If I didn't have these concerns, or symptoms that I never had before in my life, then I would be doing other things than posting on here.
I admit that I can feel really passionately about some things, and maybe over dramatize them, but that's not me just trying to be a drama queen, it's just the way that I am. I've never been a hypochondriac either, and until these symptoms came up I had experienced one 3-month period of severe depression (related to self esteem/body image). When my last symptoms came up, I was depressed and anxious for a week and a half, then a after a couple weeks I was very depressed (and suicidal) for two more weeks before coming out of it. Now with my symptoms this time, I've had on/off periods of depression. So I know that even though my normal tendency is to be upbeat and positive, I am prone to depression. I can believe that, since even though everyone experiences depression in their lives, people with creative minds tend to be prone to it.
I was with the therapist for about 45 minutes (went over time on a 30 minute free consultation), and her first questions to me were "How are you feeling?" (I told her my emotions had been all over the place and I wasn't doing well) and then after a minute, "So did you have prolonged abuse or was it a single incident?" And I answered, "I've never had sexual or physical abuse. I had an abusive teacher." Right away her response was, "Yep; that'll do it." She also asked me what my interests in school are, and I said "creative writing." She said that it's surprising how many people with ptsd are writers. I don't know how true that is; I know that from reading on here some people seem to be interested in art and writing and other creative fields. I have thought about whether she was trying to brainwash me into thinking I have this just to get my money. I know that talking with her would just be paying 80 dollars an hour for a talk, and her trying to improve my self esteem which normally doesn't need improving. The thing is that when I was 14 (and 15 and 16 especially) I did have low self esteem, due to being made fun of and having an insecurity that I didn't even know existed being publicly brought to everyone's attention. So when my mind gets triggered to feeling like I'm in danger of that guy again, then I go back to being that little girl and the fear and stress and anxiety come back, even though I know it's years later and I've grown up so much since then.
She asked what "triggered" me, and I said over a year ago in August 2013 my sister and I were sitting in the parking lot and this guy gets out of his car right next to my (tinted) window, and I could've sworn it was him (it could easily have been, because I know he's "teaching" in the area now even though when I had him as a teacher we were both living clear on the other side of the state). Immediately I blushed for no reason because I thought he saw me, but it wasn't just a simple blush like 'Oh, I know him, can't believe I'm seeing him after all these years). I felt scared and on guard, and looked away in the hope of him not seeing me. It was almost like I was 14 again and he was standing there making me blush. We drove home that night, and I started seeing images of that classroom tied with depressive feelings and THE WORST anxiety I'd ever felt in my life for a week and a half straight. I mean, racing thoughts, not able to find comfort anywhere. In fact, I didn't even know what anxiety was until then because I'd never had it. It was then that I really started thinking about memories that I realized I'd been repressing and trying to forget about ever since I'd left that class. I mean, I really hated him for all those years.
She specializes in bullying, self esteem, CBT, ptsd, transgendered issues, etc. as compared to the other psychologists in my area who mainly specialize in trauma, ptsd, childhood abuse, depression, etc. and some "therapists" and "counselors" who also specialize in gender issues or self esteem. The therapist I saw is a "Liscensed Mental Health Therapist." I also told her (since I'd been feeling a lot of guilt and emotional flashback type things) that if I'd known at 14 what I do now at 22 (that I could so easily have switched out of that class instead of putting up with it, then I would have. But, it was my first year of high school and I'd never switched out of a class before and didn't even know you could do that. I thought I had to put up with whatever teacher they gave me). And the therapist said, "It's interesting you say that, because you don't know how many people come in here and say, "If only I hadn't been wearing such a short skirt," or, "If only I'd switched out of that class." Then she told me that it's never the victim's fault, even if they feel the need to blame themselves.
So I did the 15 question test, rating on a scale of 1-5 how much I felt each of the symptoms, and I tried to answer as truthfully as possible. For one question it asked about insomnia and nightmares, and I put "3" even though I never really have nightmares about him (he does pop up in my dreams now and then and I know that I really can't stand him and he makes me uncomfortable, though I don't know if any of them have ever been a nightmare. I usually don't have nightmares). A couple nights prior though, I was having really bad insomnia (don't usually have that either). I was tossing and turning trying to escape emotional flashbacks (including rage at him, even though I usually don't have rage) and even a flashback like I was reliving sitting in that classroom with him saying all those things to me and my class laughing, and even though I'm confident now and all his comments were completely childish, if I'm in a moment where I'm feeling like I'm that 14 year old again, then I'm gonna be hurt by those comments.
It's like, imagine going your whole life having everyone treat you right for the most part, and you consider most people to be good people and trustworthy, and then all of a sudden you have this completely evil person treat you like crap, leave you with unwanted, scarring, emotional memories and make you hate him, and then you go on with a damaged ego and worry that someone is gonna treat you like that again. You have to overachieve and obsess over your body image just to feel like everybody else, or even unique and important. And it takes a long time to feel like you fit in. You even develop new relationships with people and learn again that most people are good people and life is normal, but you're still gonna have reminders of that one evil person in amongst all those normal, good, trustworthy people. He's gonna intrude into your thoughts when you don't want him to, and you're gonna hate his picture, his name, and everything you associate with him is going to make you uncomfortable, even any short bald man who looks like Billy Joel, only less handsome. I'm not even sure I can consider Billy Joel handsome, because he looks so much like that guy in the face. I can't even look at the cover of my Billy Joel album without being reminded of him, even though I love his music.
As for dissociation, I've read that it's periods where you completely zone out and can't remember anything, because that is what a young child's mind would do if they were in the face of danger. I don't have that. Depersonalization sounds more fitting, like long periods of time where you don't feel like yourself and you're watching the world go by but you don't feel engaged in it and you can't feel the "spontaneity" of the present time. The therapist said some people describe it as watching the world go by as if being "under water," which I didn't exactly relate to, though.
There was also one point when I was telling the therapist about the conversation I'd had with my mom when I'd first suspected having ptsd, and how my mom had dismissed the idea, telling me that everyone goes through depression from time to time, and that as long as the teacher didn't sexually molest me, I should be fine. Sometimes I get nervous when attention is focused on me, so I mentioned halfway through telling the therapist this that I'd lost my train of thought, and she said, "That's common with ptsd."
She also said that the type of flashback where you zone out and literally relive the moment is very rare. Is that true?
And does she sound reliable? It was like she was saying I have full-blown ptsd because of my scores, my symptoms, and the details "abusive, bullying teacher at age 14." I mean, the symptoms I've been having are real and my concerns are real (I'm the only one inside my head, so I would know). And I don't wanna use all my rent money for a self esteem boost, because that's not what I'm looking for. Is it normal to have obsessive, intrusive and painful memories about a person and a place that you hate (not to mention the anxiety fear, worry and depression)?
I'm asking these questions because I really don't want ptsd, and I mean that with no offense to anyone here or the awful things you've been through because of evil sickos out there, and the fact that I'm genuinely confused and concerned.
