Narcissistic Friend

[Hydrotroop91]

I have a friend who also has PTSD and we have similar situations that happened to us. She knew I was PTSD before I did ad before I was diagnosed. At first she seemed supportive and helpful but now I feel less and less supported each time we talk. Is this normal for other folks with PTSD not to be so supportive? Or is this someone I should just not rely on anymore?

This past weekend I noticed how much she talks about herself and interrupts our conversation between our circle of friends to take it over with her stories. I finally trusted the other member in our trio to open up and we had an amazing conversation. Then she came over and bulldoged the conversation. She keeps saying oh you'll get there and dismissing my concerns or telling me bout her stuff. I can't get a word in and it upset me and the other person because we couldn't finish our conversation. I'm sick of her calling me out for being four years younger and telling me I'm over reacting. How do I deal with this? My therapist is trying to get me to open up to more people and I thought she would be one of my new people. I've only got a few people I talk to at my church other than these two. I feel like I'm stuck on the Stacy show. Not the hey we're all vets show. No wingman concept from her. She also left us in the dirt when hiking and then left me alone during a panic attack and then acted like she was better because she made it through the challenge. The other person at least wrapped me in a jacket and handed me a cig until I stopped shaking.

I'd love it if we could be better friends because I know that since she has been through the same exact thing she will know what I have been through. My other friends do not understand but try and I would love it if someone could finally know what I am talking about in person so that we could support each other instead of being alone in person. I know I have you guys lol but would like face to face interaction. Plus it would make my therapist happy lol. Or is it better not to get to close to other people with ptsd and same trauma?

Plus I think she is a bad influence. I notice I am wanting to try more things that are not 100% safe or good for me. I also feel like she thinks less of me because I have not done everything she has or know a lot about it. Which is frustrating and reminds me of bad relationships with friends in the past where it was unhealthy for me and I felt very small in the relationship and unimportant. But she also is the one who helped me meet the other person in our trio and we are a power group.

 

[nursenurse]

With friends like that, who needs enemies..? I think you are trying too hard around the wrong person. If that person influences you in a negative way, it is time for you to shove off and move on. This isn't kindergarten and life is just too damned short to be worried about a friend like this one.

 

[NarcSis]

The thing with people with PTSD is that, we're still people and just because we've faced trauma does not mean we are all going to suddenly become caring and gentle souls - if your soul was rotten to begin with, well, you can see what you have to work with.

There are also other ways you can look at it, perhaps some people with PTSD are afraid to relapse and so she is projecting her fear and anxiety onto you by being "mean" and telling you to buck up. Once you're out of the hole, it's kinda hard to imagine what it was like being back in that hole, it's like purposely forgetting. You're experience of symptoms could be a trigger to her which may suggest to her a time when she viewed herself as "weak" and that may anger and frighten her on some level.

Whatever the explanation, the issue is not yours, it's hers and all you can do is to make attempts to try to protect yourself from further wounding that can complicate your recovery. It's up to you to decide if pursuing this friendship is in your best interest or not. I'd say not, but I can't make those little decisions for you, part of healing is learning to reconnect to what you feel, trusting in your own decisions again and getting connected back to yourself again in these little ways.

What you describe sounds like it hurts you a lot, so here are some virtual hugs because I think you need them. You are not trash, you have worth and you have the right to find your peace in your own way.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Sounds like she brings up a lot of negative rather than positive. In my opinion, friends are people who make a positive contribution to your life. They challenge you, but they don't look down on you. They cheer you on, and don't try to win from you. I completely agree with nursenurse.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I hate to say it, but my two of my friends in recovery confronted me over the very same thing about five and a half years ago. I was completely caught off guard. I knew these friends seemed somewhat distant from me but I didn't know why. A lot of it was from being in therapy where everything was about me. The therapeutic relationships blended with reality and this became my new normal way of interacting with the world.

I don't have narcissistic personality disorder, and from what I've read about your friend, she doesn't sound like she has it either...it just looks too familiar to me. Again, I was caught off guard when my friends approached me. I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't know I was coming across that way. Even as they were telling me everything I did, I was thankful, which surprised them. They were terrified of confronting me and thought I would lash out at them. On that night, they said that if I wasn't willing or able to change, they couldn't continue the friendship.They personally prepared themselves for that, and thought that it would be our last conversation ever. I totally understood that. Immediately, I worked very hard at focusing on others. It was a long journey, and took a few years, but I'd like to say I'm recovered from that. These friends are still my friends today.

I continue to be thankful that they confronted me on this!

I don't know if your friend will be as receptive if you choose to confront her, but I will say that she will listen. You will be talking about her favorite subject, after all. ;) Even if she's angry, she will think about it. Go ahead. Give her an ultimatum. You just might save her from herself. A therapist will not catch this, because therapy is supposed to be all about the client.

I hope this helps.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to what radicalgratitude shared. Both parents though were narcissistic... I likely learned the "style" and used it as a barrier though it is not actually part of my authentic personality. For me it was a means of defending/self protecting.

True too, it was something I needed called out by others, as my therapist didn't.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ptsd isn't a basis for a friendship. It is not a bonding factor.

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Okay thanks for the help gang! Another mutual friend was saying the same thing so it isn't just me feeling this way. They actually joined me the one time to protect me from what they thought she'd do. We just talked about it. I know it isn't a bonding factor just would love to have someone to talk with.

 

[The Albatross]

If you are in a place where you would like to try some things that are not 100% safe, a friend is a good place to start. Just my opinion. Observations are observations... but that's not the point (whether they are shared or not). If you're friend's behavior is bothering you, what is the lesson you are called to learn here and if you are a friend, what are you called to say to her?

Part and parcel of friendship, after all is being able to call attention to things out of love and caring for someone.

 

[nursenurse]

P-off and get out of my life....? :D

 

[The Albatross]

Interesting response.

 

[The Albatross]

... I'd love it if we could be better friends because I know that since she has been through the same exact thing she will know what I have been through. My other friends do not understand but try and I would love it if someone could finally know what I am talking about in person so that we could support each other instead of being alone in person. I know I have you guys lol but would like face to face interaction. Plus it would make my therapist happy lol. Or is it better not to get to close to other people with ptsd and same trauma?

Plus I think she is a bad influence. I notice I am wanting to try more things that are not 100% safe or good for me. I also feel like she thinks less of me because I have not done everything she has or know a lot about it. Which is frustrating and reminds me of bad relationships with friends in the past where it was unhealthy for me and I felt very small in the relationship and unimportant. But she also is the one who helped me meet the other person in our trio and we are a power group.

Worth salvaging, or attempting to level with or not?