Consumed with guilt

[beautifulpain]

Hi there:

I posted in my introduction a little bit about my background and I mentioned that one of my traumatic experiences was witnessing a murder. I've been having a difficult time with it recently and I'm really just needing to get it off my chest. I feel a huge need to talk about it, because it's something I've kept hidden for 12 years. But I am so afraid to go anywhere and discuss it. Even when I have planned to go in and talk to someone about that day, I always chicken out. I can't do it. And I endlessly worry that if the family was out there and, say, reading this post, they would despise me and.. I don't know, do something?.. I guess I was hoping some of you might have some insights for me. Or maybe some experience finally learning how to share something you've kept secret for a long time.

I think everyone right now thinks I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't sleep. I'm really jumpy. I have woken my daughter up twice in the middle of the night this week. Last night, it was because someone walked past my window (I live in an apartment block), which was creepy... but I think I can admit I over-reacted a bit. I moved like a ninja to evacuate my daughter. Then made her stay in the outside hallway until I ascertained no one was trying to break in. My heart was pounding. My ears were ringing. I spent the hours after checking the windows repeatedly.

I am having stuff come up about the domestic violence I've been through. But everything has led me into the Secret I've been keeping, which is:


I was twelve. I was getting my dad a newspaper. As I walked towards the corner store, this girl I had gone to school with and her mother pulled in to get gas. I went in to the store, picked up the paper, paid for it... and as I walked out the door again I saw a man leveling a sawed-off shotgun towards us from a car on the road. It was the father of this girl I went to school with, but while I knew her and her mother I hadn't met him before and didn't recognize him. I therefor had no idea who this man was or what he was planning to do. I just knew there was a shotgun pointed at my general vicinity. In that split-second, I panicked not knowing what to do. I thought if I turned back into the store I would draw attention to myself and he might shoot at me. I thought if I yelled I would get us all killed. I resolved to keep my eyes down and try to calmly walk away.. I thought I could warn people or something once I got myself out of firing range. But then I heard one shot go off and, behind it, this girl call out twice "Mom, mom!" And I remember asking myself if I should turn around and help them. But that's when a bizarre thing happened. I can't remember anything.

I spent 10 years not knowing I was there. Prompted by other people talking about it, I finally realized that I had seen them both there that day. But my mind never remembered the murder. I always remembered a kid throwing a baseball through a window on my way home. It took me that decade to finally ask myself if it wasn't funny that I should see them there right before and I had heard this deafening loud noise accompanied by a kid's cries.. and then oh snap I was there.

I started looking for old news articles and finally pieces came back. And, all this time later, I am trying to cope with the guilt I feel that I might have been able to have stopped her from getting killed if only I hadn't done what I had. That I walked away. And went home and couldn't even remember it. Asking myself what sort of person that I am.

This has affected me so long and I would like to finally have some closure. But I don't know where to begin. Where does a person start? And if finally sharing it with others is what I should do .. how can I find the courage to actually talk about it? I feel like if I go talk to a therapist or something they will be judging me and thinking bad things about me. But just writing it here is helping me right now so thanks for listening. And I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong area, sorry! :)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Really courageous to post this here now. Everything comes in its own time. So does opening up, it's pretty dramatic, what you went through. Makes sense that your brain shut it out to defend itself -it is not a choice you personally made.

Any kid would have done what you did. Possibly there wasn't anything you could have done. I mean, even if you had called out, the guy would probably have fired -seemingly he was so set on it, he didn't even mind that his own daughter (!) was there to witness it. Seems that he was pretty out of it.

I think you started getting closure by opening up about it like this. Probably discussing it on the forum will make it just a tiny bit easier to also discuss with others. I think you'll learn that no one here is judging, neither will most people, and least of all therapists.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think that guilt is a common thing among PTSD sufferers. I know I have a ton of it. You were twelve. I am not sure there is anything you could have done in that situation. You even said- you didn't recognize this man or know what he was planning to do. Maybe you could have shouted something and maybe it would have helped, but maybe not. The man had a plan.

I think you are taking the right step to tell the story. You don't have to tell it to everyone, but you can tell it to a therapist and if it's a good therapist, you won't be judged as having done a horrible thing (because you didn't). Once you can come to terms with this then you can start telling people you're comfortable telling.

I think it was really brave of you to post on here and I hope it does help you.

 

[beautifulpain]

Thanks guys for your support!

The shooting has been described as an execution. He had been stalking her and had planned this out, even allegedly joking about what he was planning with friends. He suffered mental illness after a car accident, which is likely why I had never met him. His wife had always come across to me as a very gentle person. She seemed really sweet. I still can't fathom why he did this in front of his daughter. They had been out shopping together. It was the middle of the day. A public place. And his daughter was right there. There were four other kids (thankfully not there on that day). I understand they were adopted by my ex neighbours.

It was a really terrible thing.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It sounds really horrible and I am not surprised that you did not remember if for a long time afterward.

 

[beautifulpain]

I found it really helpful writing it down yesterday and talking to you guys about it! I find that I am now able to clearly remember it. And remember details I had forgotten. I am feeling a LOT calmer now and was able to sleep last night. But still have it on mind. I clearly remember now that, when he couldn't get a clean shot from the road, he drove into the parking lot. I can now remember the sound of the tires screeching and the car driving off. I think that was what put me in a completely dissociated state. The moment when he drove past me, leaving his daughter screaming. I am still feeling burdened, both with guilt at how I could have done things differently, but I am also now wondering if I had been able to provide testimony if it would have changed anything. He was sentenced for second-degree, not first, despite pre-meditating and is eligible for parole in the next couple years. I don't know if the girl I knew completely did not see him (she had her head down when I walked by) or if she was also watching helplessly.. but all reports are only that he drove in, fired a shot, and left. It seems that nobody but me knows that he actually took a significant amount of time planning the perfect shot. He initially tried from the road, but then drove straight into the parking lot so he could get her at a closer angle. That whole time I was stuck in the open, nowhere to hide, trying my best to make myself invisible until I could get behind the fence. I hadn't meant to just walk away, I realise that now. I was so scared I backed myself in the open, afraid to turn around, and then had no choice but to try to walk to safety. Once there, everything just happened. What to do? Run back into the open and do what? What could I, a helpless kid, do for a dying woman and her screaming child? I couldn't cope with that.

I wish I knew a place I could go to take some flowers or something. It would be good, I think, for closure and to feel finally like I have done something for them. The only place I can think is to go back to the corner store.

 

[Tinyflame]

No you couldn't do anything, & 2 deaths would not have helped matters. Horrific. :cry: It was his actions. We can't always reverse, or prevent, or ameliorate or fix the fall-out from others choices.

Just a thought out there, maybe you could write her a letter. Or, just 'talk' to her & say how you feel?

I bet she would feel badly you ended up with ptsd. :(

:hug:

 

[beautifulpain]

Thanks Junebug. I am trying to work on writing a letter now.

 

[scout86]

Can you imagine another 12 year old in a similar situation? What would you tell him/her? What would you expect them to do? Would you expect them to have any experiences to draw on to help them make the "right" choices in such a difficult situation? Do you think this other 12 year old should feel guilt after witnessing such an event?

The murderer committed the crime. It sounds like his friends could have prevented it, if THEY had behaved differently. You have no way to know, even now, what went on to lead to him being convicted of 2nd degree rather than first degree murder. Lawyers and the justice system have their own way of handling these things. Perhaps, if it seems like it would help, you could talk to the prosecutor who handled this case. He/she may be retired, but they may still be around.

My T has told me several stories about people who have felt guilt, similar to yours, sometimes for many years. When they are able to go back and look at the facts of the situation, it's pretty common to find that there was actually, literally, nothing they could do. Sometimes we remember things in ways that make it seem like we had more power, control, and influence than we actually did.

I think you've made a good and brave start by sharing your story here.

 

[beautifulpain]

Thanks @scout86

Those are good questions. It's hard to imagine another 12-year-old in a similar situation. I think it really complicates it for me because her 13-year-old daughter was present. I try to think about what she went through. She just started screaming. There was a young man working at the store that day (he sold me the paper) and he brought her inside. I can't imagine what she would have been feeling told to stay inside while her mother was dying on the pavement. We were all really just helpless and none of us knew what to do.

That man says he just kept telling her "It will all be OK." Of course it wasn't. But he was just as much at a complete loss as everyone else was. I suppose I could ask if he ever regretted that he didn't do more to save her instead of trying to comfort her daughter and that of course would be ridiculous. Everyone was trying to get through it as best as they could at the moment.

At the time this happened, I had an injured arm. I had been told to wear it in a sling, but was embarrassed to be seen with it and wouldn't wear it. I couldn't move my arm for over a month. My stepfather had repeatedly thrashed me up against a wall. I managed to escape and he chased me through the house. I grabbed the phone off the hook, shaking, and tried to make a phone call before he came up behind me. I escaped and ran off and I can't remember where I went. I believe my biological father sent the police. This happened in the days before the murder. I had been sent to live with my biological and had been sleeping in the living room. I went to the gas station that day having already been subjected to violence repeatedly in my life. I responded the same way I had learned to.

I suppose if another person told me this story, I would not blame them for anything. I would feel immensely sad that this happened to them and they had to see something so immensely sad happen to someone else. I suppose feeling guilty and blaming myself is easier than admitting I needed pity when no one in my life was available to give it to me.

 

[Friday]

For me... A lot of my guilt is wrapped up in control / trust issues/ self defense mechanism.

In my head (and also in a lot of daily practice)

If it's my fault? Awesome! Then I can fix it. ((Not always or even usually, in real life, but this is how I look at things. If I'm to blame, I can do something about it, now... And I can prevent it from happening ever again.))

If it's not my fault? Powerlessness. Helplessness. Then I have to trust someone else to fix it. Heck, to even want to.

 

[scout86]

We were all really just helpless and none of us knew what to do.

Exactly! You know, the guy might have stayed to comfort the daughter for a lot of reasons. One possibility is that her mom was quite obviously dead.

You had a lot deal with at a very young age. Something that freaks me out is to look at kids who I know are at "significant" ages and see how young they really are. You might try that. Check out what a "typical" 12 year old girl looks and acts like. I've got to warn you, though, it really DOES freak me out.

If it's my fault? Awesome! Then I can fix it. ((Not always or even usually, in real life, but this is how I look at things. If I'm to blame, I can do something about it, now... And I can prevent it from happening ever again.))
If it's not my fault? Powerlessness. Helplessness. Then I have to trust someone else to fix it. Heck, to even want to.

EXACTLY!