We Become What Our Parents Want Us To Be C-ptsd

[ms spock]

They needed something to blame, so I became the problem. :(

Being the family scapegoat is no fun at all, I truly and deeply empathise with you to a nuanced place of understanding. I wish I didn't. I wish you hadn't gone through that.

 

[ms spock]

Makes a lot of sense. I relate to most of that. Mute in some cases, invisible sometimes, totally ashamed of needing anything, felt most powerful being successfully anorexic. Feelings, boundaries, or having a self of my own wasn't always okay either.

I want to have better relationships, but I don't make much effort. I compulsively find more meaning and safety in projects and distractions and don't find this really in human relationships. I've had a few good friends come and go, but the closest I consistently get to feeling connected to humanity is relating to the art of dead composers, artists, and writers... The rest of my life has mostly been isolation and I don't know how to change it because it's like I'm just missing parts that would let me make consistent efforts in relationships. I'm stuck in this place of not knowing how much I accept or what I am supposed to try to change.

You speak the language of my heart's deepest quandries.

I wasn't an anorexic but I do have an ED (Eating Disorder).

 

[ms spock]

Scapegoat here. Sucked.

I read you and I nod with acknowledgement and understanding. But I do it to myself now. I took on my parents/abusers ideas and as @shell once said I am relentless.

 

[ms spock]

So for now, I am just trying to have a good relationship with me.

This is the perfect place to begin @shimmerz, and thanks for starting a thread which means I feel real and my experience exists. Tricky complex trauma stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

@Ms Spock , although I thought I was insane when this PTSD re-kindling occurred - I have recognized that each and every one of my reactions and responses has a real life reason (maybe many). That in and of itself calmed me enough to continue working through this stuff with just enough grounding that I could stand back and say 'this too has a cause and I will trust it'. It has held me in good stead.

Tricky? Oh yes.

 

[The Albatross]

As a child perhaps this is apt. But on emancipation it is bunk. I am not bound as an adult to the roles assigned by my parents or family. I have choices.

 

[Chava]

I am not bound as an adult to the roles assigned by my parents or family. I have choices.

I'm not bound by any roles either and I realize that. But if simply growing up to an adult and knowing I have "choices" was enough to change everything, probably I wouldn't need therapy. Denying my needs FEELS GOOD. My whole body-self gets past and present glued together. Tell someone in a flashback they have "choices." Early trauma for some people is sort of an ongoing gluing of time like that, but often on a body or deeper personality level. Knowing I have choices helps. But it's not like I knew how navigate them. I chose to be in relationships. I didn't have boundaries. I chose to have boundaries and isolated myself. Call me a dumbsh#t, but I've needed help navigating all of my options and finding my "self" within them. I chose to take better care of myself and the energy turned into chronic pain...so that, combined with not wanting to space out so much (never my choice), helped me choose to ask for help.

 

[user27357]

somewhere along this road I heard something that has vibrated in me ever since: Our parents are the people that tell us what the world will think of us.

My parents world was one of trying to fit in at all cost. My fathers stories of high school and college are tales of conformity at all cost. No undue attention, total compliance, a desire to understand, follow and enforce even the smallest rules of normalcy.

this meant total control over every appearance. He critiqued everything about me because anything I projected reflected on him, I heard that so many times growing up I can't remember not hearing it at least once a day. My mother was a buffer, she wasn't afraid to be seen coming out of a theater that was showing a movie that someone else might think was too racy or modern, she might let the car get dirty without feeling like it needed to be parked inside, I could wear jeans with torn knees out of my own yard and read books without worrying about someone elses opinions about the subject matter or sensibilities of the author, and when I liked music she bought me a guitar but only if I promised not to play it when there was company or take it with me anywhere, dad was embarrassed to be associated with the music of the 60's in any way

Mom died, sadly. Dad, in his search to follow the rules, found the strictest religion he could and remarried a woman that represented the very tightest form of that religion available.

Yes, we are what our parents want us to be, to a degree.

I am not religious, I don't follow rules unless they make sense to me, I don't care who disagrees with that unless they wear a badge, and I play music every day, music my father would never approve of. Just a few examples of how my life is not a representation of what the man that donated the sperm that created my existance wanted for me (him).

But I struggle daily with the criticisms he pounded into me. I left home at 14, 38 years ago. I still find myself under the feeling like I need to be doing something different because what I am doing isn't good enough for dear old dad.

I tried to impress him right up until the day I realised that even if I was exactly like him it wouldn't be enough because he was more embarrassed by himself than I can even imagine being.

No doubt, our parents can help us live or cause our demise or any path in between.

 

[scout86]

.

But if simply growing up to an adult and knowing I have "choices" was enough to change everything, probably I wouldn't need therapy.

For me anyway, a big part of what therapy has been, and is, is being made aware of choices I haven't seen, or assumptions that I've made and didn't have to, etc. It helps to have an objective observer, who's "on my side" ask me if I was aware of something that I actually WASN'T aware of, until he brought it up.

Awhile back, I said something about "being different". There was a pause, then my T said, "You say that like it's a BAD thing." (another pause) Then he said, "well, it's not." Which left me to wonder if he really meant it or if he was just saying that because being supportive is part of his job. LOL I actually think he might have meant it. What do I do with THAT?

 

[shimmerz]

What do I do with THAT

I come up with this a ton. I am different. That has always been my choice as I don't want to be the same as everyone else. I love differences in others. so why not myself?

 

[Chava]

My therapist helps me work on becoming aware of choices. Part of it is that awareness, but also learning skills I never had before...like calming or soothing without self-destructing in some way (self harm, or even starving is soothing after a while because it subdues everything). So choices is about behaviors we already know or have learned, in many cases...and it usually requires some practice or new feedback loops to make the really good choices feel "good." I'm still bad at taking helpful action during major meltdowns, but at least I reach out and am beginning to understand that my moments when I feel extremely immobilized are more like a longstanding freeze response...so finding ways to move beyond that, usually by becoming aware of different impulses or needs, separating them, and trying to respond. It's like major science if basic needs for safety, nurturance, etc weren't initially met...hard to even recognize and feels complicated to a pretty embarrassing degree. So often having a normal human need has just made me feel ashamed and often really crazy because that was probably roughly how I've felt forever. Easier to tune out lots of stuff and never develop that awareness. Therapy helps.

 

[shimmerz]

having a normal human need has just made me feel ashamed and often really crazy because that was probably roughly how I've felt forever

This is such core stuff and for myself I truly was not aware that I even had the option of having any needs. I find it is helpful for me to be able to timeline these things, have glimpses of how long I remember feeling some type a 'same theme' feeling.

is being made aware of choices I haven't seen, or assumptions that I've made and didn't have to, etc.

I had a friend who taught me to say STOP when someone was hurting me. I won't go into details but I have to be honest I will never forget this. He stopped in the midst after he continually asked me what I needed to do to have it stop and I was literally like a child and my brain just didn't understand. It was spinning and spinning trying to understand when he said was simply trying to have me speak a word that said 'stop'.

We stopped and I was shaking and just about to pass out and he looked at me with kindness and said - honey can you say stop? I froze on the spot - stared at him as if Einstein's theory of relativity had just been discovered and I said - "I can say stop?"

Wow. Just wow. It changed so many things as the following day and since I have been able to use the word stop (perhaps more than people want me to).