Bad Bad Couple Of Days... Weeks?

[Smile]

I'm in a really bad place mentally. Quit T about a month ago. Just found a new one & counting the hours to first app on Monday. getting nervous about spending day with niece & her kids tom (her hubby's going away overnight & she has 3, 1 being a newborn). She said it's totally fine if I can't make it but I know she's just being nice. And maybe it would help me to be there. But once I'm there I feel forced to stay. Bc I feel too bad to leave. So I either go for the whole thing or cancel out and feel like crap for it.

Think the weather changing has to do with it partly. That feeling of fall; winters coming, so cold, another school year... Ugh. I'm just... Dead. Was able to get some reprieve in sleep but now I don't even have that. I DREAD going to sleep, fight it off for as long as I can and yet I wish I could sleep the day through... It's too painful to be awake & conscious.

Why am I on a concuction of meds if I'm not better??? Even Xanax, my magic pill, seems to be having way less of an effect. Which scares me because that means I'll have to up the dosage and be even more addicted to it.

I'm not an 80 year old woman... Why does my life focus on meds???

I just want to live a gypsy life... Traveling and just loving every moment, meeting new & interesting people. But kinda hard to do when it takes hours for me to get the balls to leave the house to get food :(

 

[Chava]

If you're not feeling good can you talk to your doctor about the meds? I'm not saying meds are bad because I've found some that are helpful to me. But I was on a major med cocktail that I had to go off of cold turkey when insurance ran out. I was sleepless for a few days. But after things settled, there was like a "me" that emerged. I had a sense of humor again!! I want to be careful not to suggest quitting meds. But talk to your doctor. I know some of them can be very helpful for some people, while adding to numbness or deadness for others (I responded very badly to all of the SSRIs and SNRIs...and NNRI might have been helpful had it not created weird joint pain, not a very common side effect, but I get the weird ones). My doc won't prescribe Xanax or benzos to me because of my addictive history. So I have to survive my panic attacks. They have been horrid but getting a lot better because I've had to work on all kinds of skills in recognizing body sensations, and finding appropriate ways to respond. Basically, if your meds aren't working, talk to your doc and hopefully it doesn't mean just taking more. Hopefully your new T can help you with some skills that can help mediate some of your struggles.

I'm not looking forward to winter either. I have lots of nice lamps in my house and use the dark hours to work on artwork...kills the time and I enjoy it. Sorry you are feeling so stuck. How can you create an interesting life for yourself right where you are? What do you like to do? What would you like to learn how to do maybe? Winter is a great time for new indoor hobbies and projects, taking classes, learning new things, studying new topics, art journaling, finding new favorite music videos on youtube, being inspired from the inside....but let's hope it's a short winter. :coldfeet:

 

[Smile]

@Chava , thanks for conjuring up the image of a cozy, lamp filled living room! that definitely puts things in a better "light" :)

I don't "enjoy" anything right now. Past few weeks I was working on puzzles... They were like magic in that time just flew by. But now I'm bored of it. And I don't like that tge end result is someone else's picture. Yeh... I should force myself to start working on drawing again.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Think the weather changing has to do with it partly. That feeling of fall; winters coming, so cold, another school year... Ugh. I'm just... Dead. Was able to get some reprieve in sleep but now I don't even have that. I DREAD going to sleep, fight it off for as long as I can and yet I wish I could sleep the day through..

Have you tried bright light therapy? It sounds like everything got way worse when the weather changed, your symptoms also sound like seasonal depression; fatigue during the day, restless at night

 

[Chava]

Lighting helps me a lot. Like Teafleaf mentioned, there's something to it. I have some of the full spectrum lights and can use for a bit in the morning. They make me hyper or less able to sleep well if used at night, but I have several soft lamps on so the room I'm in feels warm and lit up. Exercise helps too, even if I have to sort of force myself. The long darker months are hard. I'm certainly seasonal affective, though not to a huge degree...just makes hard stuff a little harder, or a low mood a little more dull. I have to actively counter that. My winter activities are quite different from what I'd do in the summer.

 

[Smile]

Too much light bothers me lately. Must get more "soft lights"... Great idea.
Seasonal depression: I don't know. I'm definitely affected by the weather but I think we all are to a certain extent... don't think my "symptoms" are coming from that.

@TeaLeaf , what is bright light therapy? Never heard of it...

Thanks all :)

 

[TeaLeaf]

"bright light therapy" is just the term for the lamps with a specific level of brightness, usually 10,000 lux for white lights and set for a specific time interval, usually 15-30 minutes in the morning and sometimes also in the afternoon to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Its helped me a lot with seasonal depression, especially the fatigue during the day and restlessness and difficulty sleeping at night. I used to use a blue light but research has come out showing they are not safe for your eyes without eye protection and can cause long term damage.