Have successfully talked with therapist about it. Hinted about it at first, because it was incredibly difficult with panic attack sensations and tears and other extreme states. I work with a male therapist so in some way this was even more difficult (even though I very deliberately am working with a male therapist, conscious that it enables access to my trauma in specific ways without fully triggering me - we've talked a lot about that too)... anyway yes I talked to him about it. It was one of the most relieving and validating moments of therapy so far and has built up a kind of trust there. As a trauma therapist, the body experiences are just as valid, important and necessary to work with, and he values them just as much.
For me it is such a confusing experience for the body to do this and it feels like it creates really mixed drives and fears inside me; it messes with my instincts around what I want and need...
sharing with my therapist is part of how I'm learning to trust him. He has never mishandled these kinds of sharing moments. He knows they are vulnerable and affirmed my instinct that they are not inappropriate, too sexual to share, too much information, or wrong. Actually my instinct is really this part of body memory experience is a core piece to work through, at least for me.
I hadn't posted to this thread (until now), but when I came across it I showed it to him, and he said that this is not uncommon with clients he's worked with. Not uncommon.
Linking to this thread was helpful as a way to more explicitly say "this is happening for me, a lot". It's really difficult for me to talk about when this body memory experience happens in therapy sessions, in person. It feels scary still (but part of the work to fully trust this therapist, who I know can be trusted though not all the parts know that).
But I feel like the first step was to talk about this happening. How body can feel pain and wetness there at the same time. That this happens. I have a feeling that if I was in a session and said that this was happening at that very moment, that he would treat it 1. as very important information that I felt safe enough to share and 2. as information that leads to talking about other things. It doesn't become the focus because it is a sign, and can lead to something really productive and deep.
I feel it necessary to process this with him, and myself because I think understanding it more will help keep me safer. To forgive the child in me who didn't understand what was happening. To grieve the ways this disrupted things in really pervasive ways. To be more protective and respectful so I don't confuse, for instance, getting wet with wanting what is happening. So that I can begin to understand this as a signal that I need to process some things - not react to the body and even self-re-enact abuse... does this make sense?
Quite recently I had a situation (with another person) where this body reaction happened and at the time, even though I knew that I was possibly confusing consent with what my body was doing, I ended up doing things I was really confused about whether I wanted, but the body "wanted" and while it didn't result in a clear assault (I didn't walk away feeling like I was used), it resulted in a lot of confusion, and ultimately caused memory-sense of past abuse to surface that now I need to process.
I'm grateful you all are talking about this. This needs to be talked about. It's one of the core pieces of internal distress I experience on a daily basis.
